Pourquoi?

A wise friend once said..."we live in a state of confusion...it's a guy thing...we tend to think on a level plane (point a -point b - point c) and when we have to think laterally it has the same effect as dropping a toaster in a bathtub..."

Well said my friend, what would i know, when it comes to reading the minds of the opposite gender, i am about as clueless as us gals come!

Crazy heart

Three weeks ago...

One afternoon i was taking a leisurely stroll and happily discovering the quaint and tres cher shops in my neighborhood (including a William and Sonoma, ok that's not quaint but i was happy to find it!) when i started feeling pretty winded. This lasted the whole next day so i reluctantly called my medical provider for an appointment. As i explained my symptoms on the phone they asked me to call an ambulance promptly ...to which i said, excuse me, but why on earth? All i wanted was a general assurance that i was good to go on my upcoming 10 day vacation avec mon petit ami, :-D, er, not a visit to a blasted hospital! My ticket was all booked, calendar cleared, clothes packed, ok, maybe not the last one, lol who am i kidding...but you get the idea!

Anywho, to cut the story shorter, i spent the next one and a half day in the hospital despite my wish, where i was poked and probed, kept up all night by multiple people checking on vitals at every hours, lost 15 tiny bottles of blood (well, it matters to me! i am very partcular about my blood!) and was handed the conclusion that i have a rather naughty heart that was sending out all kind of crazy signals on the EKG and stress test. "Oh well", said i, "when can i go home, i have a flight to catch". This statement of mine upset mini me very much (on top of the positive results of the tests) and the doc and her conspired to keep me until they exhausted all tests. So i missed my flight, pretty much starved the whole next day, went in many scanning machines and out, but finally proved my heart clear of imminent danger.

The next day i got on a plane.

Mmm...the next week was beautiful...

I can describe, but i would rather smile...and hum a tune...

...i know it's whimsical on my part
but this is how i feel sometimes
as if you were created just for me
my darling love...

So what if my heart is beating odd, i have beaten odds before...

:-p

That reminds me, guess which professor was awarded a full year of sabbatical leave (in a dry year like this at that!)? C'est moi! hehe, soon i will be taking off to mr. jones' city and then... France...

And then, oh i dunno...

:-)

Wish me luck.

Le mien

It was the day before yesterday.

Standing behind him, she was observing his hands.

Held in front of him was her airless bike, upside down, as he was trying to find the right location in the spoke to reset the air valve. But all she could see were those hands, going in circles along the flat tire...once, twice, thrice...searching, moving its airless body to adapt to the right position...the musty smell of the bike garage, the sound of the elevators, now clunking up, then down and then clunking up again...the blue-steel watch snug against his busy wrist, the creases in her favorite shirt, created by his slightly bent posture...

Click. Why, he found it.

Air being pumped in ...rhythm in motion, changing, adapting to the space within...finding, filling, to the point when it can fill no more...

...she couldn't see his face.

Just the motion of his hands.

And then with one strong and swift jolt he turns the bike up on its stand. It stands proudly, chained to its slot, its round rubber legs now alive with air.

But hers have turned limp.

What can i say, sure as hell i still am, drunk on you, mon petit roi.

Two years...

...and counting.

Oh how shamelessly life goes on!

Choreiboiti

The only way to get through life is to keep moving.

Don't let it keep you down. Laugh in the face of fate, at bad hands dealt and all predictable unpredictabilites.

But just for a moment, let me stand still, allow me a moment to collect myself.

Not today

There will come a day when the splinters will be a part of her unconscious existence. We shall call them memories.

Until then, there will be work, students, her origin and axes. Her escape. Blue mountains and tall trees. Look up, see how dwarfed your pain feels?

She had a bright scarf around her neck. What was she hiding? Who could she fool?

"Are you ok, professor?"
"Sure, why do you ask, Alex?"

Run you stupid fool! Run for cover, for rain is on its way.

She'll be safe once she enters the car...take the long crowded route home, there is no hurry, just be one with the car, following along in a dazed stupor. No mind, no thought, no thought, no pain.

Last night

I finished the book i was reading.

Now i would just like to be left alone.

Turning point?

Gloomy day, no sun in sight.

Wasted one hour researching replacement grant laptop since school's authorized reseller doesn't keep the thinner than air sony i chose (:-) and might i say got approved!). The reseller's database was huge but devoid of any sense of style. Come on, just cause i am a university faculty doesn't mean that i'd have to buy into your taste. Seriously, the guy tried to sell this new brillo-proof HPs to me, like when will i ever have the time to do that kind of damage to my laptop?!! So yeah, in the end i have decided to argue my case and buy the one i chose in the first place and get reimbursed, i am certain that i shall win. Trust you me!

Have quite a few recos to write, in addition have evaluaions to do. Damn, and mountains of grant-related shit (i dunno why co-PIs exist cause they really do nothing in my experience so far). Not looking forward to the first batch of task, hmm...suffices to say these are not my star students. Although i try to accentuate the positive qualities in each one, it is not in my hand to turn the day into night.

Sigh.

L: Hey there girl-friend, a penny for your thought? Qu'en pensez-vous?
R: De rien.

L: Aww, you could tell me.
R: Je demande la vérité, even if it's not what i want it to be.

L: That's a fair expectation, so go ahead, figure it out, what's stopping you?
R: Il m'a dit que j'ai eu tort.

L: And do you believe him?
R: Non, la raison, il ne l'a pas.

L: I see. And you want me to be the judge?
R: Quel autre?

L: Alright. I suppose it's still about the p-trip. Or is it the cruise now?
R: Oui, principalement c'est le voyage, il m'a dit que c'était seulement pour les hommes, et les filles, c'était comme si elles n'etaient pas existées là. Mais je ne suis pas d'accord. Of course they were there. Je les ai vues avec mes yeux et en plus je les ai vues avec ses yeux. Il s'est amusé bien avec elles, bien sûr, quelle audace pour me dire autrement! Ben, je vous offre une petite exemple. Il m'a dit lui-même qu'une fille, elle était ses orielles pour la traduction, en ajoutant, that they "made a good team" And he dare tell me it was as if they were not there!

L: Mais oui, vous avez raison. One cannot enjoy something unless it exists for them. Eating a fruit from a tree is your admission that the tree bears fruit. Alors, il est encore jeune, mon amie, il ne comprend pas telle chose.
R: Help me then? Tell me what i should do.

L: Je suis désolée, i can only dispense judgement. La décision, c'est toute la vôtre!

Mute

Moon is like a tiny little sliver tonight. At least this week it's back in my sky.

My weekend started early and ended late. Mr. jones and i spent two of the four days in the beautiful beach town, a town where we were going to meet for the first time. Mieux tard que jamais, oui mon amie?

Tell me why then am i pensive tonight?

Ah, the cruise.

It was a cruise that followed the setting sun, led by its funny old captain - a veteran of sailing many a seas. As his voice got drowned in laughter and oohs and aahs, at sea lions passing by on a floating buoy or dolphins diving in and out of ocean water, champagne was poured into the glasses to reach the celebrating lips. Of groups - each a set sporting the exact same cardinality. The first prime number.

There were nothing but couples everywhere. If one came in matching tee-shirts complete with customized phrases, another were all dressed up as if they were on their way to some prom. Young, old, buoyant, shy, there were all kinds, celebrating the romantic notion, the fragile feeling of momentary oneness.

When the sun was about to set, and everyone was scurrying down to the bow to capture the golden beams of twilight as fragile as their togetherness, there appeared a boat at the horizon. Right by the setting sun. Three sails up. Picturesque.

Reminding me of the forgotten sail on ours.

Wrapped and tied around the boom there it remained, waiting patiently to let the wind free it of its fabric existence. Standing by the port side, i waited for the same freedom. It never came.

Then it was dark. The sail went to sleep in its anchored boat, tied to the boom, just like before. Nothing could touch it. Neither the waves, nor the wind, not even the collective exuberance of semi-drunk couples finding their steps in the moonless night.

I was quiet for the better part of the evening. I couldn't help it.

What was it that i wanted to paint?

There was no canvas.

For now

Guess who will be in town tomorrow, c'est mon petit ami!

I suppose we are still batting strong, en face des distances, oh yeah, we got distances of all kind, :-p, but geographical distance, yep, that's the killer one.

I wonder though what card will the age distance play. Eventually.

Mr jones. seems to think it's the one of the littlest importance, whereas mini me thinks the opposite. I don't know what i think, as i said when i am with him i am someone else. I feel like this little girl running after a butterfly, happy and carefree. Given my super young looks, we appear to be pretty much of the same age, lol ...actually sometime i come off as the younger of the two! Once i was trying to buy some little alcohol bottles from this downtown liquor shop, on our way to the movie theater, and the grumpy old man at the counter asked me my age. Handing him the money i said, "Don't worry i am old enough". His reply was, "I wouldn't worry if he was buying it instead of you, but i'd like to see your ID!" Mr. jones and i exchanged glances and broke down in laughter as soon as we left the shop.

Yep, i got angel face, and angels don't age, do they?

By the way, that reminds me of "The picture of Dorian Gray", a book i just finished. It deserves a post, definitely!

Now i do need to give my place some TLC, as well as feed me some lunch, so au revoir, mes amis, soyez-sages!

Read my lips

Would have been a super gloomy day what with pouring rain, freezing wind and mid-quarter blues, but i guess it was all worth it given what came next.

A beautiful rainbow that lit up the rain-kissed sky just before the sun went down.

An old student dropped by to pay respect to the old professorette (i have been teaching for almost 9 years now!!!) and brought me yummy goodies...mmm ...it was all good, but i liked the card better. It was a long letter of a card but the part i liked most was where he mentioned how my class gave him a solid prep for his MS studies, MMM...mais oui! C'est moi. I don't care if the majority flunk or cry murder on evaluations (some of them are downright funny though, e.g., a MS student complaining about having to study theories and proofs), i would never be the one to apologize for my standards. Math is an elite subject, and so it shall be treated. Make it work, or avidazen!

A PT faculty confided in me today that only 2 people in her 30+ class passed the mid-term which by the way she thought was ridiculously easy. Sigh, i wonder how many she will pass eventually, she has to get good evals to get her contract renewed. Ah, bloated grades, here we come! tsk-tsk, if this is not blackmail then what is?

Hmm, guess i am just irked by some students' low expectations of themselves, er, not to mention low abilities combined with consumer mentality toward knowledge. Keep it up and the next century will be in the hands of the up and coming non-US countries.

C'est quoi que je dit, ah oui, lisez-vous ma bouche!

Count 'em not

A year ago, on a rainy february friday i met mr. jones for the first time.

Le soir, c'etait tout magique...

If one is lucky, somewhere inside the adult self they retain the little boy or the girl they once used to be.

If one is really lucky, they chance upon the ones who can bring out that little boy or girl in them.

But if one is shamelessly lucky, they would also be the ones to return that favour to their person.

Nous avons toute de la chance...

De-funked

Another week of january is coming to an end.

I suppose i can say lots have happened during the span of these few weeks. The two almost broke up, but, surprise, surprise...only to find themselves back in each other's arms. Tsk-tsk, children! And then there was the whole facebook fiasco that i don't think merits a narration here, nope! But i won't deny that these two incidents along with the much debated P-trip were enough to send me spiraling into a state of deep despair and denial.

Although i went about doing my job by the weekdays, duly filed my sabbatical application, taught my class, never failed to attend or chair any of my numerous committees, cracked jokes with colleagues in the department hallways, worked on my grants and guided my advisees, i failed to guide myself out of that funk.

Come friday i would take to the bed and just stay there, feeling quite like the big blond, disenchanted, vacant and often in a mood to falter.

I fancied taking up drinking, but luckily or unluckily my lack of the alcohol breaking enzyme made this a rather bitter and short experiment. I even took a longing look at the unused bottle of sleeping pills and toyed with the idea of testing their might. But the uncertainty of me being able to see the results of the said test stopped my curiosity on its track. I started going to the gym with a vengeance only to come back with more energy to fuel my funk. I tried to get together with my friends, but the moment they left i was back in my funk.

I was still in there, as late as of yesterday.

Now i am not.

Wish i knew the reason but i think i have a pretty good idea.

Oh well!

Last friday i decided to drop my french course.

I had to go see about a boy. Yes, i am impulsive like that. I can get a last-moment ticket and hop on a plane and even leave my future behind. C'est moi, for better or for worse.

LOL, in college i changed my minor from physics to econ, all because of a boy. Man, i hated econ, there's no freaking comparison between that and physics, also it messed up my gpa cause i hated it so and could never bring myself to open a book.

Well, to my credit, at least i have been consistent over the years!

But this friday i am regretting that decision. I miss the challenge and the savory taste of new knowledge.

Savez-vous?

I made one resolution in December 2009.

Can it be called a resolution if it's something constantly on your mind but you can't bring yourself to do it?

D'oh!

Oh well. I will think about that one later. Instead let's mull over my last night's dream.

It was a dream without a break until dawn. There were many a social gatherings with known and unknown faces. But there was no mr. jones. Instead there was a young tall guy, classically handsome, apparently some big-shot who had my attention. And judging by comments of other people, he was quite the ladies' man, reserved and focused though he appeared.

I never heard his voice, but i remember talking to him. Walking hand in hand, at times stopping to say hello to people, running around in the rain and hiding behind a pillar to steal a kiss.

As my dream progressed he started to age. And i started to lose clothes.

By the end of my dream i had not a stitch on me. Yes, yes, i know the interpretation, vulnerability and all.

But what do i make of his transition?

There was something temporal about it. Then again, what is more temporal than a dream?

Ce soir

Happy Birthday, Blog!

Tenez-moi

cachez-moi

dans ton abri

car il pleut

sur ma ville

ce soir

Que faire?

Change of plan.

Going 'to see the queen', er...rather the new baby in London, and that old cutie pie nephew of mine! Spur of the moment decision of course, the tickets can vouch for that haha...but oh all the fun we shall be having! You can't put a price on that.

Mr. jones will be hiking in the Andes with his usual group...shhh...the pack has been infiltrated by some female partners, thus losing its all male charm, tsk-tsk,what can i say, such is the repercussion of getting older! Me, now i can completely understand a trip just with your own gender :-p call me old-fashioned, but it's a whole different kind of fun that merits a chance. Try it!

Of course i would be mixing it up with the chosen other gender pretty soon before i jump on that pond crossing plane next week. One more day before my visit to mr jones; which by the way was also a spur of the moment decision, given how he just visited me this last weekend! But this time the spur was his.

Wow, all of a sudden i feel pensive.

C'est pourquoi, mon amie?

Tu sais.

Oui, je sais. Mais que faire?

I feel like a fish who can't run any more and is about to be reeled in...

Dites-moi

Wow, finished grading two days early, talk about a paradigm shift in my work ideology!

Also, i did a kick-ass job on the french composition course, ah oui, even tho i missed quite a few classes, (going to Paris mid-quarter and nursing mini-me back to health, one after the other), making me think at one point that i was falling behind my standards. Hey what can i say i proved myself wrong! So watch me beam! :-D

Hmm...

Sigh1.

I was supposed to leave country for a few weeks but my travel agent ate my ticket, so now i can't go. Hmm, no worry, you see, i believe in karma, so the man shall pay one way or the other, but malheurusement pour moi now i have to see the inside of a small claims court ...bleugh!

On the plus side, i get to see mr jones before he leaves for his trip to le continent plus bas qu'Etas-Unis...in addition, i can take it easy for a few days before the grinding starts anew. Perhaps ponder here and pick up some unfinished research stuff i pushed off to the back burner (which was subsequently switched off haha eek!) I am also designing a webpage for my new grant, so i am hoping to be very creative this break!

Sigh2.

More than 60% flunked the college algebra course. In that lucky (able?) 40% there were 1 A, 4 Bs, 6 Cs. The A and Bs went to students of a certain race, and I knew it was coming. Nevertheless, this always gives me a pause. And I can't attribute it to good study habits of a certain race, because there were some very hard working students in the 60% that didn't make it. Hmm. Je ne sais pas c'est quoi! Truly it makes no sense, but it's a pattern i see over and over, and as mathematicians we are trained to trust patterns. Patterns repeated lead to rules. Of course in maths it has to be 100% true before it can be called a rule, but allowing some error tolerance for human subjects, this is no short of a rule. So far.

What does it take to be successful in math? Let's analyse. LOL. Sorry, i am just laughing thinking of the upcoming pun, but seriously i think that it's very important that one has an analytical brain, first and foremost. Reflecting on what is done is no less important than the doing part itself. Students who get bogged down in the how part and leaves the why to bite the dust will not succeed. Secondly, knowing a new concept is not enough, one must connect it continuously with the old. It's a language where there is a logical structure, singing out of tune will only make for cacophony. Thirdly, make no assumptions, be creative and cognizing enough to cook from scratch on a blink's notice. It's a fine balancing act. One cannot drop one ball and carry another like it's possible in some other subjects, hehe, no disrespect. Lastly, math is art, not science, let the beauty of its highly abstract nature dazzle you without baffling. :-P C'est comment? Seulement celles qui tombent amoureux de la langue ce savent!

So yeah. Tall order, i know, but if one race can continue to succeed at it then why can't the rest? Tell me?

Mmm

Getting ready to write that final paper in french...so here i am, to get my writing engine going!

My crazy quarter is slowly coming to a semi-halt, still many things to be done, including grading, but that's that. Whine i shall not.

It has been really cold since yesterday, tonight we shall even enjoy some freezing temperature, runaway leaves continue to adorn every street and structure, mountains are graced by unprecedented fresh snow causing merry snow-boarders to call in sick. I am on the phone with my gas company. My goal is simple; i have a desperate need of my fireplace to crackle up those logs (faux, oui, mais c'est ça!) -keep me warm.

Ah, warmth!

Reminds me of our days in Paris. Some day i will sit down and recount, from the food to the places to the people to the man i was with. Someday. When i can breathe free and not have to count the beats.

For now, i will just think and smile.

S, my friend and younger colleague said something interesting the other day, on our usual walk back to the parking lot after a day or work. It's a boon, she said, to not have the blessing of mini me when it comes to mr jones. Makes us that much more appealing. Funny, huh? Now don't ask me what it means. That's what she said, with that trademark wink of hers, that i grew to love.

I wonder.

But no matter what, i am sitting here on a cold afternoon, alone and smiling away. Mmm...

C'est la vie!

Been busy courting life. I tell you, that's one jealous lover! Life, i mean.

Leaves me no time to myself - in particular, to ponder and wonder. So i am looking forward to my upcoming winter vacation, at least school will be closed. hmm. Need to catch up with my research and myself. I suppose mr. december will also give me a pause from being a student.

Well, for the time being.