Faultline

She thought she was never gonna grow up.

Then one day, she just grew old.

papa

i was gonna bring you home, papa.

but how come you didn't wait for me, papa? you gave up, you were tired, no, papa?

you sleep now, wednesday's child. sleep free. from all the want and worries.

papa, if you can hear me, i am coming home...wait for me

and i will see you there papa, and we will talk math, and you can tell me about all your new ideas, just like before

until then

you keep holding my hand, papa, don't let go.

r...

mr. jones, i miss you.

and everything about you.

the banters, the fights, the leg-pullings, the making-ups

the fire, the ice, the sun, the rain, the light, the darkness

my air...you took my air and i can't breathe

your voice...it's gone, and i can't hear anymore

empty. empty throne, dusty chambers, cobwebs of memories

where are you, mr. jones?

L'agent de voyage

Soon i shall be embarking upon a journey too long, spanning a time too short. To a land i wish were nearer.

I have agonized over it for the last three weeks. But i am calm now. On the surface at least.

I wonder why i canceled the ticket i booked over the internet and went back to l'agent de voyage. While i am perfectly capable of playing the e-game, it felt safe to have a mediator for this travel. A soothing voice.

Hmm. I suppose that's what god is to some people. L'agent de voyage to a faraway land. "The undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns". For a trip we are all destined to, yet afraid to make, his is the voice of reassurance. Don't worry, you will be taken care of. I will sort it out with the airlines, there will be hotel and even food if the layover is too long. You will be home and hopefully everything will be ok.

I am an atheist. Je ne crois pas en Dieu. Non. Plutôt en la bonté qu'il y a en chaque personne. Then why is it not measuring up, to the lim-sup for the humankind? Eh, don't ask me, i dunno! I suppose it's a price i pay for being cognizant. There is no voice for me.

I am going to see my dad.
Perhaps for one last time. But i am not ready for that.
I will never be ready for that.

Wish me luck. I am going to bring him back home.

Burning

I am mad at the world today.

I am mad at incompetence, insensitivity, insecurity, and pretty much all that uses "in" to inverse a good quality.

I have had it! And this time around intolerance is a virtue.

May my wrath burn those equal
Ones who impose injustice and ones who take it lying down.

Get away from me, everyone! Don't stand in my path.

That includes you, and you, and especially you! And me. Yes, me.

Burning. I am burning.

Wonderment

Last day of quarter for me. Well, class-wise. I am back home, but alas, still at work. But i decided to take a break and write up my french composition on the prompt "What will you do when you graduate from the university?" The one i said i was gonna fake.

Qu'est que je veux faire, après je finis mes cours à l'université? D'abord, je vais prendre les grandes voyages européens, que je me dois; pour beaucoup de travail à l'université. Je vais commencer mon voyage à la ville de Londres. A la gare en Londres, je vais prendre le train et arriver à France. J'ai toujours voulu visiter la France. Oui! Souvent je rêve que je monte la bicyclette dans le côte de pays de France (vous souvenez-vous, monseiur jones?) Quand en France, je vais visiter beaucoup de musées (Le Louvre, bien sûr!), et manger la bonne cuisine et borre du bon vin (Oui!). Je voudrais aussi visiter l'Italie, l'Espagne, et la Côte d'Ivoire (peut-être!). Je vais prendre les transports en commun dans tous les pays, parce que cela va me donner la chance de recontrer plus de gens et apprendre leurs cultures.

Je vais passer un mois et apprécier mes temps libres dans la belle Europe. Puis, je vais revenir et étudier de nouveau. Pour l'examen de Bar.

Qu'est que vous allez faire, après vos études universitaires?

Well, it's not really fake, except for the endpoints. In between
(me graduating from the university, me taking the Bar exam) it's true!

If you think about it, each life is rather an open set. N'est-ce pas? lol, mine is more like a union of open sets though...there are times when i cease to exist...

But i am trying. To hold my wonders within my runaway endpoints.

Away

Too many balls in the air, i am dizzy with responsibilities. Not been sleeping well. Sigh. Is that what it is? Je ne sais pas.

Rescue me? Tenez-moi et faites-moi mieux?

I need to run away...far away...far from this madding existence.

ooh!

omg! David Hernandez just sang my fav Celine Dion song...'if you touch me like this..." Dude's got pipes! I think it's between Archuleta, Hernandez and Johns. Ah, sorry, no girls for this year, even though some great voices. Hmm, Noriega is funny, hehe, remembering that 'umhmm' to Seacrest. Eh, i can't decide which group he belongs to! Great rendition of another of my fav song, "hello", but just the fact that i can't remember the dude's name might mean red flag!

p.s. i don't see any reason for DH to be disqualified just cause he used to be a stripper. I mean, hey, if Diablo Cody can get the Oscar...

Juste nous ce soir

Ah, i wanna stay under the radar tonight...je veux penser de vous avec moi. (-: Aimez-vous?

French class started looking pretty thin since the last exam, so today i asked a classmate about that. Seemingly half the class dropped the course! SAY WHAT! What's wrong with you, people? Funny, she compared it with the calculus course she is taking, saying that half her classmates there dropped as well (hehe ...she is unaware of the fact that one of these days she might just end up having me as her prof). But unfortunate for her (leo again!) i will just be teaching NA for the whole next year, undergradNA, gradNA1, gradNA2...and i figure by the end of that year i will be thirsty for some hardcore pure math! psych!

Hmm...maybe there is some truth in prof's claim that "math majors are not allowed to minor in french" after all...probablement.

Today i was paired with the Moroccan dude dans la salle de classe and he taught me some cool phrases. I was interested in pronounciation and useful phrases, and he was interested in finding out about the track of a ph.d degree. Talk about a quid pro quo!

Anyhoo, my apartment looks like shit (by my standard), and the curtains are still unhung. Haven't seen the gym since that 2.5 hour tryst en vendredi. And this is when we learned in class how people in France take it slow and relax, apprécient la bonne cuisine et le bon vin. Most of them vacation in France. That oughta tell you something!

Man, i am so ready to move there! Oui, je suis prête!

At least my windows will have curtains! Sûrement!

Hmm

Eh, workshop was a great success! How can i tell? My jaws hurt. Still!

Man, i haven't thought, wrote or spoke french in like 4 days!

Ce soir je vais écrire 7-10 phrases sur le sujet suivant.

Qu'est-ce que je vais faire après je finis mes cours à l'université.

I gotta fake this one. Hehe...i wonder.

The way we were

B: Ah man, i wish you were on!
B: I miss you!
A: Miss you too, r.
B: Hey kiddo! Hiding, eh?
A: Nope. Daydreaming, mr. jones?
B: lol I’m going to do that at work!
A: Ah! And what if someone gets wise?
B: Well I am going to do that tonight, tomorrow on the way to work, at work, coming back from work...lol
A: lol, poor you!!
B: Ah they know already, i blabbed a bit today…
A: Oops! To whom?
B: Told them how sweet you sounded, how much fun it was talking…
B: Few friends at work.
A: How many are we talkin about man?
B: Three really.
A: Ah i wish i could tell!
B: lol, it's fun trust me.
A: So tell me, what'd you say, what did they say?
B: Ah well they kinda know the whole story.
A: We have a story?
B: So they were happy for me, they thought it was all over.
B: Ah yea i mean i always mentioned things you’d tell me the next day
A: lol...some crazy math prof down south? lol
B: Ah hardly! We’re just crazy about each other- that’s all that’s crazy.

All that are

I am recovering.

Fancy that!

Mark Stewart, the singer/playwright i was gonna write about, said "For some of us, art is more real than life." It made me wonder...if that's what my curse is. I suppose it's a curse. For if "ignorance is a bliss", wouldn't insight be a curse?

The same haunting question of existence versus imagination dominated the debate between the most famous man of the last century and his not so famous literary counterpart, albeit in a different context. "Do we see it for it exists", or, "Does it exist for we see it"? The physicist in the later part of his life would concede to the poet.

Shakespeare paints the lunatic, the lover and the poet with the same brush in "A Midsummer Night's Dream". Ah, the three cursed minds drawn together with a single swift stroke...

"The lunatic, the lover, and the poet
Are of imagination all compact."

...offering a befitting portrayal of the poet ...

"The poet's eye, in a fine frenzy rolling,
Doth glance from heaven to earth, from earth to heaven;
And as imagination bodies forth
The forms of things unknown, the poet's pen
Turns them to shapes, and gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name."

Perhaps it's vain for me to claim that poets hold the insight for the rest of the humanity. But I think it is the simple truth. As Robert Browning once said, justifying vanity in proclamation of truth,

"But it's the simple truth; and as it's true, it shall stand".