Ce soir

Happy Birthday, Blog!

Tenez-moi

cachez-moi

dans ton abri

car il pleut

sur ma ville

ce soir

Que faire?

Change of plan.

Going 'to see the queen', er...rather the new baby in London, and that old cutie pie nephew of mine! Spur of the moment decision of course, the tickets can vouch for that haha...but oh all the fun we shall be having! You can't put a price on that.

Mr. jones will be hiking in the Andes with his usual group...shhh...the pack has been infiltrated by some female partners, thus losing its all male charm, tsk-tsk,what can i say, such is the repercussion of getting older! Me, now i can completely understand a trip just with your own gender :-p call me old-fashioned, but it's a whole different kind of fun that merits a chance. Try it!

Of course i would be mixing it up with the chosen other gender pretty soon before i jump on that pond crossing plane next week. One more day before my visit to mr jones; which by the way was also a spur of the moment decision, given how he just visited me this last weekend! But this time the spur was his.

Wow, all of a sudden i feel pensive.

C'est pourquoi, mon amie?

Tu sais.

Oui, je sais. Mais que faire?

I feel like a fish who can't run any more and is about to be reeled in...

Dites-moi

Wow, finished grading two days early, talk about a paradigm shift in my work ideology!

Also, i did a kick-ass job on the french composition course, ah oui, even tho i missed quite a few classes, (going to Paris mid-quarter and nursing mini-me back to health, one after the other), making me think at one point that i was falling behind my standards. Hey what can i say i proved myself wrong! So watch me beam! :-D

Hmm...

Sigh1.

I was supposed to leave country for a few weeks but my travel agent ate my ticket, so now i can't go. Hmm, no worry, you see, i believe in karma, so the man shall pay one way or the other, but malheurusement pour moi now i have to see the inside of a small claims court ...bleugh!

On the plus side, i get to see mr jones before he leaves for his trip to le continent plus bas qu'Etas-Unis...in addition, i can take it easy for a few days before the grinding starts anew. Perhaps ponder here and pick up some unfinished research stuff i pushed off to the back burner (which was subsequently switched off haha eek!) I am also designing a webpage for my new grant, so i am hoping to be very creative this break!

Sigh2.

More than 60% flunked the college algebra course. In that lucky (able?) 40% there were 1 A, 4 Bs, 6 Cs. The A and Bs went to students of a certain race, and I knew it was coming. Nevertheless, this always gives me a pause. And I can't attribute it to good study habits of a certain race, because there were some very hard working students in the 60% that didn't make it. Hmm. Je ne sais pas c'est quoi! Truly it makes no sense, but it's a pattern i see over and over, and as mathematicians we are trained to trust patterns. Patterns repeated lead to rules. Of course in maths it has to be 100% true before it can be called a rule, but allowing some error tolerance for human subjects, this is no short of a rule. So far.

What does it take to be successful in math? Let's analyse. LOL. Sorry, i am just laughing thinking of the upcoming pun, but seriously i think that it's very important that one has an analytical brain, first and foremost. Reflecting on what is done is no less important than the doing part itself. Students who get bogged down in the how part and leaves the why to bite the dust will not succeed. Secondly, knowing a new concept is not enough, one must connect it continuously with the old. It's a language where there is a logical structure, singing out of tune will only make for cacophony. Thirdly, make no assumptions, be creative and cognizing enough to cook from scratch on a blink's notice. It's a fine balancing act. One cannot drop one ball and carry another like it's possible in some other subjects, hehe, no disrespect. Lastly, math is art, not science, let the beauty of its highly abstract nature dazzle you without baffling. :-P C'est comment? Seulement celles qui tombent amoureux de la langue ce savent!

So yeah. Tall order, i know, but if one race can continue to succeed at it then why can't the rest? Tell me?

Mmm

Getting ready to write that final paper in french...so here i am, to get my writing engine going!

My crazy quarter is slowly coming to a semi-halt, still many things to be done, including grading, but that's that. Whine i shall not.

It has been really cold since yesterday, tonight we shall even enjoy some freezing temperature, runaway leaves continue to adorn every street and structure, mountains are graced by unprecedented fresh snow causing merry snow-boarders to call in sick. I am on the phone with my gas company. My goal is simple; i have a desperate need of my fireplace to crackle up those logs (faux, oui, mais c'est ça!) -keep me warm.

Ah, warmth!

Reminds me of our days in Paris. Some day i will sit down and recount, from the food to the places to the people to the man i was with. Someday. When i can breathe free and not have to count the beats.

For now, i will just think and smile.

S, my friend and younger colleague said something interesting the other day, on our usual walk back to the parking lot after a day or work. It's a boon, she said, to not have the blessing of mini me when it comes to mr jones. Makes us that much more appealing. Funny, huh? Now don't ask me what it means. That's what she said, with that trademark wink of hers, that i grew to love.

I wonder.

But no matter what, i am sitting here on a cold afternoon, alone and smiling away. Mmm...

C'est la vie!

Been busy courting life. I tell you, that's one jealous lover! Life, i mean.

Leaves me no time to myself - in particular, to ponder and wonder. So i am looking forward to my upcoming winter vacation, at least school will be closed. hmm. Need to catch up with my research and myself. I suppose mr. december will also give me a pause from being a student.

Well, for the time being.

Ce soir

Tonight is one of such nights when i think we are not gonna make it.

Feeling quite like mr. big the night before his wedding. Lonely, uncertain, perhaps scared of what's ahead.

Sit me down, look me in the eyes and tell me we'll be okay.

Lest i fold.

C'est ici!

Crazy busy errand day.

Won't be here for the next 11 days so trying to wrap things up as best as i can.

I am a bit tired to actually be able to fathom how much fun i am going to have in the next few days! I mean, it's Paris! With mr. jones! Two for two!

Nothing but years and years of history turned into breathtakingly beautiful places, sometime visual, sometime intellectual, mais séduisant également.

And us.

Funny how events turn. My dreams are coming true, un à un.

Autumn rain

Comment allez vous, chers amis?

Alas, blogging feels like a guilty pleasure i am not entitled to any more.

My job and studies have taken me hostage, big time. I wasn't able to let go off of my old grant, (so now i have double the responsibilities), in fall i was elected to many a committees, my new program has launched, so number of advisees exploded, third year french is requiring a lot more time commitment than second year french, en plus my commute time has now doubled. I would ask you to do the math, but this one is convoluted enough to floor even me!

Nevertheless, some things never change. It rained last night. I ought to report that! And it's raining now...

Last saturday i came back from visiting mr jones. At the security check-point the TSA man with the little magnifying glass told me to smile, adding afterwards, "Your boyfriend doesn't want to let you go, huh?"

Do you not want to let me go, mr jones?

Lately i have been only happy, no more clouds in my sky. Going to Paris next week with mr jones, we even bought a bike last time he was here, and he helped me re-learn, so we could bike along the countryside...oh, it happens to be one of my very old dreams... see Claude Monet's place in Giverny, venture into the cafe Hemingway used to pen his gems...

Mr jones, you make me so very happy. Even when you baby me, like when you put my belt though the loops as we were hurrying to make my plane...hmm, you beautiful silly man, how did i ever chance upon you?

Sigh.

Then why do i feel like i am being called, by someone invisible, to a place unknown.

It's just a feeling. But i felt it.

Like the rain, i thought i would just jot it down here.

Darkness

No light dare enter her place.

I said i trust you.

I do. I let go of thoughts that can tear us apart. Nothing stands between you and me. Absolument rien.

But not her. She holds on. To red flags and hidden tears, dropped promises and suppressed sighs.

And we get one step closer to the end.

I try to hold it all within.

Forgive me, but these are not thoughts that can be shared.

Bonjour, tout le monde!

Well, this is the longest i have been away from my blog. Oh the separation was wrenching, lol.

Suffices to say that i was moving in the last two weeks! In fact i still feel like i am, incrementally, moving in. The said move (my 13th) came accompanied by befitting movers from hell- a con of a company and a matching foreman with identity problem (both as a man and as a Muslim). I would quote Freud but that pitiful excuse for a man is not worth my blogging time...er, i mean the foreman, not Freud, hahahaha...

Okay, nice to know my fun-loving side is still batting strong, hopefully it will see me through this unpacking journey. Hmm, i am soooooo tired of lugging around my possessions, i might just run off somewhere next year! Somewhere in Europe. I am overdue for a sabbatical, so yeah. C'est une bonne idée!

Oh, that reminds me, guess who's gracing Paris next month, c'est moi! Oui, et mon petit ami. We are taking off for ten days, already can't contain myself thinking of spending 22 plane hours with mr jones...mmmm...yumm! Shhh...no naughty thoughts you silly!

My upcoming itinerary did cause some turmoil at home, mini me is super mad. If she had magic power she would probably zap mr jones and take his seat to Paris. Aww...i do feel sad that she couldn't go, but have i not earned my right to be happy just for myself, after all i have done for her? Mr jones thinks she will come around, but tell me when? Sigh.

And i miss mr jones. Falling asleep beside him, in particular. Oh and so many other things! I miss his laugh and all the bantering, how i always mess up his do, :-P ...i miss making food while watching my sous-chef (that's his role in my kitchen) help me so earnestly, i miss waiting for him to get home, watching tv wrapped in his embrace (didn't know a 6-ft to 5ft map could be so onto) trying to teach him yoga (Oh, my! That didn't go so well) and him taking the lazy cat (that would be me) out for a walk. I even miss our up and down laundry sessions in that clunky elevator...

:(

Five more days my dear, hold it together.

Here we go again

Came back to find the mountainside burning. The sky is smokey with crazy amber glow, everything is dead still, as if the air has stopped breathing; not a single leaf moves.

But i am in for my big move. My place got sold, and might i add, in just four days.

Oh, well!

I just found out today that my new place offers roaming daddy long legs, completely free of charge. "Don't worry", said my very nice building manager, "they are harmless". Huh? Are you freaking kidding me, when a spider approaches you, it's fear, and not logic that gets summoned. Yup! And oh yeah, in addition i am not to keep my bedroom french door open at night, lest a possum/raccoon takes it as an open invitation. Whoa, i thought i was renting in a hip downtown area, had no idea that playhouses and possums click so well these days!

Sigh.

Guess i should count my blessings, at least i have three more weeks until school starts, so i should have enough time to settle down at my new place, bonding with my new fellow creatures, humans and spiders alike.

Just passing by

Gosh, i have been crazy busy this past week as the research experiments kind of hit a crescendo!

Four more days until i leave mr jones' city. Yeah.

Mr jones liked his crystal ball, or so i presume. He also suspects that it is my experiment to see if he can be a responsible parent. You see, the ball is rather fragile. And round too, like a baby's wobbly big head, hehe.

Hmph, he is always accusing me of being baby-crazy, that mr jones. I am so not! I just love love love babies! Besides, i have had my shot at making foot-print, je pense que it's his turn.

:-)

We do joke about how our baby will be though. A cross between tall and tiny, fair and honey-skin, emerald and brown eyes, wavy and straight hair (that reminds me, i ought to write a post on mr jones and his hair, with title 'Watch the hair!' i tell you, he puts uncle jessie to shame!). And the languages of course, i speak six, including one ancient language and maths (hey i get to count math, it's so a language à mon avis! you are lucky i didn't count music even though i am quite fluent!). Mr jones is learning spanish, so yeah 1.5 for him. Hahahaha, hope he is not reading this! Mr jones thinks he will definitely make the kid learn spanish and my mother tongue. Yeah right, let him learn it first! Although, i have to admit i can't get enough of it when he tries to say some words i taught him in his super cute accent. Yumm!

Okay, hope no one is killed yet by the mush-factor of the paragraph above. Or the last post. Eek!

Well, i gotta go, i have a meeting with my collaborator, and i will somehow have to get in some exercise before that.

O-hm.

Advienne que pourra

Someone's turning 26. I believe i have found the perfect gift.

C'est une boule de cristal. :-P

Ah, if only!

Then again, having a crystal ball at your disposal may not be all that fun it is jotted out to be. Do i wish i had a crystal ball? Hmm. You see, i don't know the answer to that. It's a heck of a responsibility to carry one around.

Oh, but i do wonder.

There are things that i can predict the outcome of and there are things that i can't. Would i mind a peek? Sûrement pas! But catering to my curiosity just ain't possible without tweaking with the balance of the present-future equation.

What's a girl gotta do?

For the last two months or so, mr jones and i have been living, how shall i say this, let's see, to borrow some verbiage here, quite like man and wife. We fall asleep on the same bed, waking up to the same alarm, although i have to say sometimes i would sleep through it, however rarely. I wave him goodbye from my kitchen window as he gets into his bus, on his way to his train and another bus. In the evening we either go out to visit some landmark, or just take a lazy stroll, perhaps shop for groceries, or just stay in and watch movies. Er, we even dare do our laundries together, which happens to be the bête noir for both of us!

There are no rules. Only patterns. :-P

We mostly stay in my flat, sometimes visiting his place for a night. You see the main kitchen is here, chez moi, along with the main chef. Hehe. I didn't know this side of him, but mr jones loves to check out various exotic food, and i love to cook, so the stove-top has been quite busy. Now, even though he laments his lack of chef-ing experience, the man did cook me a great breakfast last saturday, et en plus, nursed me back to monday with some yumm chicken soup when i was feeling under the weather on sunday!

He babies me like a mother would her child, rushing to close the window at the sound of a siren blaring ambulance, lest it wakes up the fitful sleeper, moi. He watches over me like a father, on hilly steps or near approaching strangers on dark roads; holds doors and carries stuff like a caring husband would for sa femme enciente. When we banter, he pulls my leg like a annoying lil bro, but one who doesn't mind when i speak back in little punches. Then turns around and listens to all my problems like a true-blue sis. We partake in debates, be it on serious world issues or (equally serious) Seinfeld facts, disagreeing agreeably as only true friends could.

And then there's of course that part of the relationship, which i am not at liberty to span on here, all i will tell you is that we do not shy away from giving that royal headboard its proper dues. :-P

So yeah, that's us for now. It's been good. The journey. Oh, i daresay we are happy as clams at high water.

What more could i ask for?

But i wouldn't lie, there are days when i yearn to know the destination.

Now, if only i had that crystal ball.

Mark my words

There are no shallow sighs.
...
I wasn't expecting anything
And then you came
I see. And then i came.
I see.

(Do you, really?)

Why wouldn't you meet my folks?
I suppose i would, if we ever get serious.
This isn't serious?
Is it? Not to my knowledge.

(Ah! Elle le voit vraiment!)
...

Can't sleep. Two nights in a row. Thousand dreams.

Waking up to my dad's voice in the other room. He was calling me. But there is no other room. I was making a snack. Asked him if he was hungry. He said he never gets hungry any more. But he will be in the other room just in case.

No sooner than i left, my cool flat was completely re-done in an ugly green rock; mr. jones was continuously picking up things that i forgot at various places.

I put off all the fire that i caught on except the one on my back, for i couldn't reach. No one gave me a hand, but my dad who came back to help me.
...

Oh, i can interpret all of the above in a jiff! But i will only clue you in about the ugly green. Must be all that jade i saw in the museum last evening.

I don't like museums. They remind me of the zoos. Unwilling exhibits presented outside of their natural habitats.

Strategically focused track lighting shining on artifacts stolen from various countries stored and catalogued meticulously in a barren room full of hushed exclamations do nothing for me.

Well, except for giving me nightmares i suppose.

Sorry, folks!

"An assistant professor earning $6,000 per month receives promotion to associate professor, effective at the beginning of the new academic year, and is awarded a salary increase of 8%. The faculty member’s new base salary becomes $6,480. The faculty member’s actual salary during the furlough program would then be reduced by 9.18%, so that the actual monthly salary for the duration of the program would be $5,885.13..."

Tsk-tsk...

I feel sad for all my colleagues who got promoted this year and thus received the coveted and much awaited

rank promotion = financial demotion.

Un pense-bête

Qu'est-ce qui s'est passé ce week-end dernier?

Ma fille me rendait visite ici, quand m. jones est allé pour faire un plongeon en abalone avec son frère, son père et leurs amis. Il m'a rapporté un ormeau très grand et toute l'histoire de la plongée.

J'ai été heuruese le voir.

Mais ma fille me manque beaucoup et je veux retourner chez moi.

Je me suis perdue. Un petit peu.

Like you won't believe

Well, whatdya know, we are in furlough.

Mandatory holidays have been announced along with matching paycuts, student fees have been hiked, classes have been cut, and those that didn't bite the dust will now be shortened by 6 instructional days.

My dept alone cut 25 classes, most upper division classes including my vector analysis class are gone. All because some bloody incompetent fools up at the governor's office couldn't keep their math straight and some parasites otherwise known as greedy irresponsible homeowners bit more than they could chew.

Man, am i miffed!

I hate the world today! It can go to hell.

Carry me home

Today i threw out the roses, for they were tainted with glances impure.

Morning Train

Eek, i have to move, my landlord is selling my place!

I think i might just go ahead and buy a place, although i am terribly afraid of commitment, to things that cannot be moved. Just the bitter taste left in my mouth from my never-ending selling experience of the last two times.

I don't want to grow roots. Wings are all i believe in more and more.

On the other hand, I don't mind having a few sweet vacation homes, er...flats i mean, in various countries that i dig. So far i only have one! Just wait until i become rich and famous. Hmph! Maybe if i change profession, yeah right, like that will ever happen!

Oh man, i hate hate hate moving, why do i have so much stuff!

Sigh.

On the plus side, i am loving my summer life. Aside from mr jones it includes my cool flat, colorful people, lots of walking (i got no car here!!), my new gym (yep, i joined a gym here, so sue me!), er, did i say my cool flat, where i have been making magic? :-P Oh yeah, and my new french grammar book, the one i am reading for my upcoming online course.

So yeah, i will be taking two french courses next quarter, hehe. Kidding you i am not! This is me next quarter: teaching one course, taking two, directing a grant, being an advisor, co-directing another grant, and all that other stuff that go with my job, committee work and shit like that. Yep, overloading again. On top of that my sponsor here asked me if he can buy me out (of my teaching duties so i can continue the research during fall). Yikes! I said no of course. Seriously i feel kinda sick if i am not communicating math on a regular basis.

We are a crazy bunch, math profs!

Oh look at the time, i gotta get going, someone will soon be home...

Like in the song ...(i didn't know it existed until mister 25 claimed it as our song!)

...My baby takes the morning train
He works from nine till five and then
He takes another home again
To find me waitin' for him...

Où est l'encre?

Je lui ai donné une carte blanche.

Oui, je suis d'accord.

Et maintenant?

Je veux écrire sur ça.

Ah, est-ce que vous avez un stylo?

Oui, c'est moi.

Et l'encre?

Non, je n'ai pas d'encre.

Pas encore.

:-)

C'est mon anniversaire!!!

Il y a beaucoup de fleurs dans ma chambre...des roses, des maguets, des margueites...et des ballons...

mr jones is making me dinner :-P

er... i am getting all excited just watching him julienne red bell peppers, slice and dice tomatillos et des poulets... oh so focused. The best part is knowing that he never prepared this entree before...

Luckily he can't see me, sitting here and smiling to myself, his back is turned toward me...

yumm, melikes the view!

Oh behave! you naughty girl!

Call a spade

...wait, i know i adhere to all the forms and functions of a spade, but what if i don't want to be called a spade!

A mathematical concept is typically delivered by a definition – succinct, precise, and likely polished over decades, or even centuries at a time, to achieve the universally accepted structure. A proper understanding of a definition can unlock the insight into many a connected concepts, and failure to do so can breed compartmentalization, where concepts stand alone and are often in contradiction with each other.

What is explicit and accepted often without argument and further contemplation in maths, is however far from what we claim to practise in life. Definitions are too restrictive, we proudly say. Let us keep an open mind, One size doesn't fit all etc. etc. etc. Oh, but we all have moulds that we try to fit others into, be it unknowingly or surreptitiously. And what are moulds but our own personal definitions?

And sometimes we want to know how we are defined by others.

We drive ourselves crazy trying to read between lines, scurry to catch runaway signals and extrapolate beyond point of application. All in the hope of knowing Who am i?

Who am i to you?

Last night i was watching the SATC rerun, one where Carrie is settling for an undefined relationship with Mr. Big. In a nutshell, they are seeing each other frequently, exclusively and in addition, are sleeping together. By Merriam-Webster definition (A frequent or regular male companion in a romantic or sexual relationship) that defines Mr Big as Carrie's Boyfriend. See, in maths, that will be that! Yo, boyfriend!

Alas, in this imprecise world of ours, the objects have a say. So even while abiding by all the forms and functions of a boyfriend, Mr Big reserves the power to veto the definition. What's a Carrie to do?

Absolument rien.

Tsk-Tsk...

Man, i love maths for a reason!

Tick-tock!

Doubt.

Funny how it can unite or separate minds, depending on the moment it strikes.

Yesterday we went to mr jones' school, primarily to check out his lab, which i shall nickname the house of precision, cause it's all about that. It reminded me of this book i am reading (very slowly), 'Longitude' by Dava Sobel, and of the film 'The machinist'. Hmm. It was full of big and small machines, stolid and precise, all aspiring to fine tune tiny structures to their tiniest details. Even though the lab occupants seemed of perfect health and in no apparent need of sleep, nor any sightings of ghostly notes were reported, i couldn't help but wonder if the machines came alive at night, just to play at their whims. With the fellow residents, grave diamond cutters, white sapphires, permanent magnets and covalent crystals. Being all non precise.

Never knew the school was founded in memory of a son gone too soon. But it was undeniable, in the erected statues, laid bodies and in the grief-stricken fairy who wrapped her wings around her.

And there it was.

In the cold dark interior of the rooms full of machines, in the sunlit quad of the arched walkways, in the statued submission of citizen freedom, and in the young lass in a sailor dress on the train platform, my doubt found me.

And it kept taking form.

Like tall redwoods it stood in grounded certainty, like live oaks it branched in sprawling abundance - adorned with the thorns of the unattended cacti.

And like a lonely fragrant eucalyptus, there i stood, my beautiful rainbow bark bathing golden in the light of settling sun.

Refuting my surroundings.

At a distance, the beautiful tiles on the memorial reflected the sentiment from the Corinthians...

Love, faith, hope, charity. Who is the last one to stand?

Only time will tell.

Seriously!

In preparation to complete the IRB protocol, this researcher had to pass a test after perusing some 100 pages of information including case studies, rules and regulations.

Instead i went straight to the test pages and took the tests, banking on my high-end brain, years of training in mathematics, expertise conducting previous research projects...

Er...what i actually banked on was ...my common sense!

I passed all 4 tests, not a single re-take was necessary.

tsk-tsk!

I shall name no names, but come on federal people, you who spent tax-payers' money in designing these national tests...maybe your time is better spent on doing something a tad more productive?

Just a thought.

Seriously!

Ugh...just finished reading an 11-page furlough document sent to the faculty from our union president. As a result i am very miffed! This is a bullshit of an idea penalizing faculty and students, as it eventually might translate to thinning of the actual teaching time by a week.

I do not like labor unions. What's the point? They are the weak representing the weaks. Ones with calibre can do without them. All they do is drag us down to the level of the rest by their stupid one for all rule and mind-numbingly lengthy back and forths. For example, because of their stupid lengthy negotiation (primarily to include the temps in the raise pool), our 4-year 25% raise got delayed by 2 years and now there ain't no money to provide for that raise. I am sure admin is laughing!

What the hell? Call me elitist or whatever, i believe in the survival of the fittest. Don't borrow my cloth to cut your coat, man.

Anyway, what do i care, i am mostly on grant money, won't really touch me financially. But they better not vote on stealing our instructional time!

Infinity in my palm

Partir, c'est un peu mourir.

Every morning he kisses me goodbye, i die a little. Then i come alive when he smiles at me, his mischievous smile.

'there you go, the bed is all yours, and the pillows too'

I cast him a look, for i know he is making fun of me, alluding to my tendency to claim all that lay on the bed as my royal possession.

And i watch him get dressed, and he knows i am watching, sometimes he turns and smiles and i avert my eyes...and i want to die of happiness.

Hold the moment still, s'il te plaît.

This wednesday mr jones took me to the top of the city. It was windy but clear and we could see up to ten miles, um with my sailor's binoculars of course...i could even read the names of the container ships leaving and entering the bay. As for mr. sailor, he said it was depressing cause he couldn't read that far :-P...aww. The whole city laid quiet at our feet. Streets criss-crossed, landmarks shimmered with the golden lights of the setting sun, colorful flags flew in harmonious defiance with the wind. I saw towns across the bay, clock tower, and bridges. Bridges that were tall and conspicuous and bridges that were long and covered in fog, looking all ethereal, like a glimpse of the past.

We sat on the barrier of the scenic drive, and cars kept driving by, the wind was crazy and chilly, he put his jacket on me (typical!) and then tried to cover me with his body! I shook my head, i mean i am not a child, and i consider myself pretty darn strong, tiny though that i am. LOL, my bravado didn't go far, however. When it was time to return, i was like 'oh, fuck!, don't tell me i have to climb down the hill!' Looking down makes me nauseous, seriously, and i was wearing stilettos (typical!), so the alternative was to carry me down, or take this really long alternate route. Anyway, after much cajoling, i agreed to take the hill, and he guided me down, one step at a time. And i wasn't afraid at all. And i wondered... 'i dunno why you care so much mr jones? Nothing lasts forever, remember?' But he couldn't read it on my face, his eyes were busy protecting my steps.

Sigh. Nothing lasts forever.

So hold me here on this edge, hold me here with you. Make me soar with the wind, flirt with the unseen, see far beyond the reach of my eyes.

And when we are done, guide me down. Watch my step.

Hold me, lest i fall.

C'est vrai

It's been a week now. In mr jones' city.

Thoughts just kept bubbling in my mind, couldn't give them form. Perhaps i will just list them, in order of perceived importance.

Ah, perceptions!

4th of july. I was pretty depressed. Called up a 'friend' who i knew had a major crush on me, and went dancing. Took one scotch to get drunk, danced for hours. Men came over, asked me if i was visiting or lived there, i didn't answer, surement pas, but i did dance with them. Oh yeah. If you got moves baby, lay it on me, is all i say on the dance floor. Hold me strong, keep me stable and twirl me around...er truth is although i enjoyed my temporary trance, it was no help in the end, and i was just reminded of how depressed i was. What's worse, one of the men gave my friend advice in the line of how he was a fool and that he should not let me go and that he should marry me ...what the hell?

Sigh.

My friend thinks mr jones is playing me. Are you, mr jones?

Anyway, i might have ignited something inadvertently cause now my said friend has been calling me and i am avoiding him. Damn!

June 30: Moved into my new cool flat. The building is hundred years old i was told. Had interesting interactions with certain people. Man, i love this slope-y foggy city and whatever happens i know i will be happy just walking around or listening to city noise, watching whimsical fog descend on sombre bridges or checking out old buildings. Then there is the bay of course. So yeah, it deserves a post all by itself. Later.

June 22: Came back from island trip and received news that my nsf grant was officially awarded. Lots of congratulatory emails. Felt nothing. But it does draw a line of some sort, me having to transfer my old grant to someone, ushering a new, something, ah, like a new work-me, lol, whatever!

Oh look at the time, i have to head out for a meeting with my research sponsor. By the way, dunno what i said, he is all excited about the project ideas and wants to extend our collaboration from two months to a year.

Hey, i am not complaining. Comme j'ai dit, j'aime la ville!

C'est ça

June went by fast.

Spent a lot of time packing and unpacking suitcases, boarding and de-boarding airplanes, checking in and checking out of places.

Airports are not fun when your plane waits in the tarmac for an hour for the signal to take off, and especially not fun when it sets off a chain reaction resulting in you missing the connecting flight.

Funny how things work!

On our way to the island, we missed our connection due to the scapegoat typically used by overbooking airlines called Air Traffic Control, and subsequently got detained in mr jones' city. For a night. So we lost a day of activities at a high priced resort, no horse-back riding was done, had to make several calls to shift other stuff, the situation was beginning to look pretty darn grim, collective fuses were getting shorter and shorter.

To make the best of this unappealing situation, the duo decided to go downtown and check out the dueling piano bar. It was a nice change of pace. As I was sipping my not so daunting cherry martini and tapping my not so drunk foot, amidst blaring sing-alongs and iterative applauses, i got a call from mr jones. He wanted to meet up.

Il m'a semblé un peu ivre et agité. Il m'a dit, "quoi donc s'il y a une difference de dix-neuf ans entre nous, il n'implique pas que nous ne pouvons pas rencontrer! Nous sommes dans la même ville, et vous ne voulez pas rencontrer moi!" Alors, il ne fait presque pas telle chose comme ça, il est très calme à mon avis, donc j'était très surprise! I mean i am known to be impulsive, but hey, even i wouldn't dare to take on a 22 who just had to subtract a whole day of fun from her graduation trip!

Wouldn't lie, i was impressed by his courage at the same time afraid of what this chance encounter would unleash on me. But i said yes to him, anyway.

For the better part of the next day i was snowed under Freud, post-modernism and just plain negative feedback on how we shouldn't be together. The warm breezy ocean air didn't help much to thaw the temperature, nor could the beauty of the island dull the blows so sharp...

Hey, what can i say, wasn't expecting it to be any other way!

Nevertheless, it killed my spirit for one whole day as i started to feel physically sick...took a pain-killer and summoned sleep. Dusk was signing in, evening torches were being lit, music began to pour through the thatch roofs...

...but they could reach me not.

Savez vous?

Let's say you think that you do not want something.

But then, when you don't get it, you start feeling this little hole in your heart...a little hole where unbeknownst to you a space was saved for that thing you thought you did not want...

And it spans and spans, mocking you with screaming silence, tearing through your conviction, vaporising your confusions with wrath only truth can match, until your heart is completely hollow.

What does that tell you? Really? That perhaps you wanted it in the first place...? Perhaps?

Dear, dear!

What an interesting game i am watching!

:-(

I don't believe this! Not MJ...

:-(

Why did it have to be him? Not fair.

Not fair at all.

La mienne toujours

Aviez-vous raison? Et j'avais tort? Ah, comme toujours!

Il n'y a pas de nous? C'était seulement moi?

Oui, c'était seulement toi. Comme toujours.

C'est ton destin.

Tsk-tsk, ne peins pas ton tableau avec des coleurs empruntées, chère amie...

Alors, comme vous m'avez dit, c'est mon destin!

Tu sais?

Life's but a fleeting fancy. Alors, c'est une maîtresse evasive!

Now death, that's the destiny inevitable.

Yes, i know.

Nevertheless, life, she deserves the respect so long as we are courting her. Live short or live long, not in your hands. Living fully, for whatever span you're allowed, now that's your call.

You know what i mean?

Arrêtes

Elle s'est perdue.

Si oui!

The weather is being really freaky.

It's called June gloom, silly!

But jacaranda trees are being so pretty, busy towering over others with lush cascading branches, tall trunks and abundant violet petals. That makes up for almost all the gloom we are getting!

The year is thiiiiis close to being over. Few tasks remain before i leave for mr jones' city in July, but of course i am seeing him before that. Il y a seulement un jour jusqu'a je le voie! Mmmm...wednesday, here we come!

Going to a beautiful island resort, in like a week, luckily the volcanoes there are dormant, hehe, unlike the island i presented in my french class. It would be nice to see though golden angry lava rushing to the cool pacific ocean mingling with deep water to create more of island. En tout état de cause, my companion, the recent graduate is already preparing a crazy itinerary of things pour moi to do. Huh! All i want to do is lay around, soak up the nature, swim and perhaps learn to hula! Alors, c'est une bonne idée!

Then over the summer i will be perusing my next french course on my own, and come fall i will be all ready for the next one! Yay! Say hello to the third year student! Also, i am teaching a whole new course so that needs some looks, je pense. That and the research. Followed by my yearly sojourn to the faraway land. Yep, i am all set for the next three months!

Not to mention two whole months of mr jones, oh yeah baby!

Hmm. Does it bother me that most of the world is not on our side? I dunno. It's unfortunate, but not unusual for people to not comprehend a nontraditional make-up such as ours. Makes us that much more special, don't you think?

Nous sommes seules quoi donc
Il n'y a pas de peine, ni peur
Rien ne au-delà de nos portées
Si j'ai toi mon amour...

Afternoon lull

The first blossoms have appeared on my duranta vine. Does that mean summer is here?

I am supposed to grade/study today, comme un(e) professeur/étudiante responsable, but i am planning to take a cat nap je pense, parce que i am completely wiped out after that early morning step class!

Had our first viva voce yesterday, for which i had to wake myself up early (again!) sigh...anyway, i sat in the back and pretty much observed everyone except when i asked questions or took pictures of the board-work. Funny, how people always expect things to work out. The candidate taking the comps made sure each of his solution fit into the problem posed, rather conscientiously, as if he wanted every problem to have a solution. So when he came upon one which didn't, he stood there very puzzled checking every step, driving me crazy so much so that after 15 min i couldn't help but lose my poker-face and say "Would you please read the question again?" which clearly said, do the decomposition bla bla... if possible. Aha!

In mathematics we often concern ourselves with existence and uniqueness of a solution. That is to say, we go in knowing there may or may not be a solution to every problem. Yet we find ourselves turning the board upside down when it doesn't. C'est pourquoi? I think i know that answer to that but now is not the right time for that somber discourse.

Anyway, something uber funny happened after the candidate left and when we were grading his exam. It made us laugh so hard that i was still laughing thinking about it, when i drove back home two hours later...hehe, something i shouldn't be saying here, sorry.

Had the girls' night out from 6-11pm, ending with a yumm nightcap of watermelon juice, sadly no scotch, cause i had to drive back home and even one drink makes me lose it. Yep, just ask anyone who ever had to drag me home after one drink, i am quite an infra dig in that respect, but whatever! As usual, we checked out what was going on with everyone, one bought a house, the other made that all-important visit to her bf's parents (say what? what parents? her bf is like 60! ooh i am so mean!), and the third was relieved to find out that her daughter was going to prom with a boy (not a girl, ah there's a story there but i can't divulge). As for me, people wanted to see mr jones' pic, had some on my phone from the island trip, so guess what, they actually said that he looked older than me... hahahaha, hmm! Well, you'd laugh too if you knew what i knew! Yumm...mon vingt-cinq is all man if i may say so!

So after a weird vegetarian-non-veg dinner where the vegis took the appearance/taste/smell of non-veg (or NOT!), four math profs went for their massage en masse, SATC style. To my horror i found they were all men, so i promptly demanded a woman, as did our youngest colleague. Dunno what up with the older colleagues, i might have a few guesses though (ooh! being mean again!). :-P Luckily they were able to call in some subs. Phew! As i said before, i do not like to be touched or hugged by just any people, and definitely not by men i do not care for! Eeek!

Anyway, it was an experience. That's all i can say before my eyes close...

A tout à l'heure, chers amis!

Here we are

It rained today. After a really long time.

When i got out of french class, the concrete had on a fresh coat of rain, the pathways were strewn with blue velvet from jacaranda trees, few drops of rain still lingered around the metal structures.

It was the last day of the A-year. Of course there is the exam week, to that add the upcoming comprehensive exam which i am chairing, year-end paperwork such as reports to be written and responsibilities to be handed over to summer alternates. One would feel obligated not to relax. But i felt pensive, and let my mind wander. Must have been the rain.

Truth be told, i come here primarily to talk to myself. Haven't been here though for some time, not sure what that means.

So tell me, how am i doing?

Mr. jones was visiting me during the memorial day weekend. His first time here. We had a tiff the night before, which made me cry and him paranoid thinking i was gonna break up with him or some. Well, i gave him bit of a reason i guess, when he called a few times and i didn't pick up. Anyway, we made up, and it was a blast as usual. I took him to an island, we almost missed the ferry because of the mean person at the counter, but the girl at the dock let us on, and by the end of the day i proved to mr jones that for every mean bloak you encounter, there exist four nice ones. Hehe.

Once on the island, we pretend sailed in our petit bateau, sat by the beach watching people and analysing the shoes, :-P (mr jones made me toss my heels, i can't believe, making me a whole foot shorter than him!), playing soccer with a runaway ball that was dancing on the wave, and driving around the island for hours in a golf cart. Mmmm...t'was a golden day. The wind was chilly when we got back on the ferry and he kept piling up jackets on me, hmm, sometimes he just treats me like a baby! Oh, and as the ferry started sailing out came this silver lining along a grey cloud on a golden sky. People ooh-ed, a rush ensued, cameras clicked, videos rolled, but i just sat comme une chatte contente leaning on his shoulder, oblivious of this rare natural phenomenon.

We didn't get to go dancing this time, guess whose fault it was! Ummhmm...i was almost all dressed up, and then...oh oops...hush, you silly! :-P Anyway, i did get a sweet buzz on my way back home that night, but mr jones wanted to discuss future, twenty years from now! Eek that kinda killed my buzz! He did let me in on his plan of sailing around the world and eventually moving to Spain. Well, even though i was TUI, i encouraged him to fulfill his dreams. (Later, me and my sis had a good laugh imagining myself as a blithering Passepartout to mr jones' precise Fogg, foiling his pristine plan with my trademark free wheeling ...hahahaha).

Shh, we also found out that neither of us likes to drive, what's more, mr jones actually called me a nonchalant driver! Hmph! Well, be that as it may, (nonchalant, moi? LOL) being the older of the two, i held my tongue, and gulped the adjective down.

Well, c'est tout!

Not really.

Mr jones broke down right before leaving, goodbyes were getting to be increasingly tough, he said. And when i came back from the airport and saw his empty closet, i could no longer hold it together either.

I have never been here. Dunno where we are going. Pas vraiment.

Beautiful journey though. Wouldn't trade it for the world.

Seriously?

Sigh.

Had the yearly retreat today. Usual stuff, you know, like strategic plans, mission and vision statements, shit like that. Overlooking the mountainside with breathtaking view on a gorgeous day. Quel perte de temps! I am perpetually amazed by how much we discuss and that how little of action it actually translates into.

Anyway, what probably disappointed me more was that people were so completely ignorant of cultural icons who left a legacy of work. During the 'identify your colleague' session my identity while was correctly matched with the Q&A piece i had provided (Q: Who is my fav dancer/musician? A: MJ), most didn't know what MJ stood for. Some thought it meant Michael Jordan and expressed due surprise, 'Oh i didn't know he could dance!' Um, reason much?

In mathematics we often utilise the same variable to represent different entities depending on the context. A rather simple example - the letter y could mean the function y = f(x) or the functional value (y-coordinate of a point (x, y)) which might throw some naive students off, but we are trained to weave the content symbol in and out of context with the same dexterity with which Hélio Castroneves changes form from a race-track to a ballroom floor. Well, maybe not that suave, lol, who am i kidding, but yeah.

Then my question is that why would we, the trained mathematicians, fail to apply the same rational thought process when we shift to non-mathematical territory? What's worse that there we were, the same folks, lamenting away the fact that how most of our students were not cognizant thinkers.

Maybe i am just offended that people don't know my fav performer, and i am the one being not rational about my expectation, or perhaps that they are just musically inept, seriously, what do i care!

Just late night ranting i guess...

Have you ever

He loved her before he met her. You know, like the song...only, he didn't know.

Seulement elle était au courant.

Have you ever broken a stallion? Felt its tremendous revolting, gyrating thrusts to throw you every which way imaginable? Fighting you back with fierce and blind force, sheer animal force that sends spirals of despair along your spine and make you wanna give up?

You can almost smell the stench of defeat and you wish you could quit. Except that you know what's coming next...

But not before he tries one last time, rising up all the way in a final act of rebellion, pushing you to your limit, crushing your physical existence, making you gasp before a spine-numbing fall...

Almost.

But if you didn't give up, not in the face of a thousand threats, if you tried to understand what lies beneath the magnificent facade that so attracts you, you are close. Close to make him see his mind in the mirror of yours.

And then he is yours. Just like that. In all his glory. He knows only you can truly understand.

For you, my dears, are two of a kind.

So then my love, bend down a bit, steady yourself, oh yeah and catch that angle, you are about to embark upon the ride of your life!

Comme ça

Il a fait noir... lentement, comme mon état d'espirit.

Ce qui me rende triste?

Peut-être j'étudierai pour mon examen de français, j'éspere qu'il m'apaisera, mais je ne suis pas certaine.

Des talons hauts

Yesterday, i put on my heels at 7 am. It was 10pm when i took them off.

It was the commencement day. This time i didn't have to don my regalia, neither did i hood the students or walk the line in cap and gown, but in a way it was more mine than when i walked as a student or a faculty.

It was a day full of walking on heels, sans insignes, in tow with the crowd and the cool breeze. A multitude of ceremonies, speeches and receptions, leis and bouquets, parents and grandparents. Two squishy babies happily drooling on their dads' shoulders, campus police patrolling on futuristic two-wheelers, one lone girl immersed in her story book forgetting the surroundings.

I always look forward to the commencement address. Often i find something in there to carry with me. Yesterday was no expectation. In addition, it was rather amusing. Who woulda thunk? The actor politician can actually speak and hold my attention for an hour. Hmm! He offered six rules of success to the graduates, illustrating each one with his life's experiences. Trust yourself, break rules, ignore naysayers, don't be afraid to fail, work like hell and give back. Good job, Dr. S., :-P i think you summed it up rather well and i loved the fact you have a pretty decent sense of humor and not afraid to make fun of yourself. The accent of course was the cherry on top. Hehe.

I went to two satellite ceremonies, each followed by a reception. English and Film. It never ceases to amaze me how colleges can drastically mismatch in resources, within the same university. While the extremely well-endowed Film school held its ceremony at the prestigious S-auditorium, quoique sans le tapis rouge, but with great pomp nevertheless, Arts and Letters had it in a hangar on the field. Sigh.

All in all, it was a good day. One to hold onto. Even though my heels pinched me numb at times, i am glad that i did not take them off throughout this journey.

All twenty-two years of it.

Bonsoir!

Comment allez vous, chers amis? Missed me?

Alas, no blogging is being done, you know what that means, :-P mr jones has taken over my evenings, not that i am complaining! Anyway, my brain's a bit blank with all the happiness, and who doesn't know our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thoughts...so yeah.

Quarter is winding down, soon to reach a full halt with the entrance of summer. My french is going very well, know almost all tenses now, yay! At times i feel like the auxlliary prof in class, explaining to my fellow classmates the subtle nuances of grammar. Hmm, come to think of it, opening my mouth has never been a problem for me, since i became a teen...hahahaha dunno what happened there!

Bon, c'est tout! Soyez-sage, jusqu'à je retourne!

La rivière souterraine

This one goes to my mom.

Parents are expected to love all their children an equal amount, whether they do or not, that's another matter. Children on the other hand can pick favorites and often do. Rarely have i found a child that does not care for one parent a tad more than the other. Perhaps it's the charisma that parent exudes, or the respect they draw, or that you just plain identify with them. I am no exception. I have always maintained the view that i am my father's daughter.

Like my dad i pursued math and chose his profession, even though i excelled in literature, perhaps more so. Like him, i voiced my opinions without fearing the repercussions and decided diplomacy was for the ones lacking spunk. Like him my energy flowed boisterous and boundless, any inkling of weakness was shrugged aside as unnecessary appendage.

Did i ever want to be like my mom?

I will not deny that she loved us, but sometimes concrete needs trump the abstract ones. You want your parents to stay still so you can grow. My mom never cared for the so-called duties that a mother adheres to, keeping the house tidy, or cooking delicious dishes, parading her children in nice clothes or attending school events. She would rather read and write in a journal she kept or help us do our homework. As a child it drove me insane. I did not understand her. I did not try. Even though she gave up her job to raise the five of us, and remained a homemaker for the rest of her life, she never lost the agony of not pursuing what she loved. She stood on that threshold of eternal want.

She was a literature major. And now she is the biggest supporter of my love affair with french, always asking questions about my new discoveries and accomplishments. Soft-spoken, afraid of confrontation, sometimes it seemed like she was the child who needed to be taken care of. Growing up, i did not appreciate that. And i held her accountable for my dad's deteriorating health, i thought she ought to have taken better care of him. I even thought that she didn't care for him.

I was wrong. She just didn't know how to show it. She went to pieces after he was gone.

When i called her today, she asked me for an unusual gift, but that was not unlike her. For me to sing a whole song. A song that my dad loved to hear me sing. And i did. Over the phone. She thanked me in the end, and said she closed her eyes and felt dad was sitting beside her listening to me sing.

Some threads are strong, visible and recognized. Some just run underneath. Nevertheless, they both define who we are.

This and that

Spent my day doing just that. And this. Not quite in the Seinfeld style though, or wait, lemme check quickly, yep, did have that and now this, so yeah two for two! LOL

Seriously, spent most of my day calling phone companies, first cell, then land. Damn sales reps played me like doubles' shuttlecock for over an hour, sending me four ways from billing to fraud to unknown to accounting. Anyway, less i talk about it is better for my temper.

On the good front, i could somewhat relax now as the conference is behind me, along with all the nightmares of planning and hosting it. Oh yeah, got news today, i am about to reel in the big fish, aka, new NSF grant! Yep! So let's see, basically i am signing up for another five years of slavery. Hmph! But i don't care, this one will benefit my students big time. In addition, the next promotion will be pretty much in my bag, since it's a major major grant. (pat, pat)

Also, planning my summer research activities, guess where, :-P in mr jones' city! Aha! Shh...don't tell anyone! Contacted a colleague and it's a go, the collaboration. I mean, c'mon, who can refuse me, seriously? ;;)

Looking forward to making and grading comprehensive exams next^4 weekend. Say what? Grading? Looking forward? Whoa? Since when? Um, i need some math man, the need is dire, i tell you...i am choking without it, and i will take anything, including grading! Interesting question from one student, he wants to create his own notations, as you know the icky truncation error analysis can consume page after page, i gave him an ok, how innovative!

Got some flowers today, two days early :-P for a job well done. Hahahaha. Well done, indeed. If i may say so myself.

Congratulations to me!

:-P

Just in time

Have you ever broken something in futile protest? Longed to hear the object hit a wall and smash itself into tiny fragments of its once full self, obliterating its meaningless objective existence? I am not someone who breaks things easily, but there are times when the a-curve nears the v-asymptote and when it does, watch out! For there's only one steepness it travels to reach that peak.

Vertical.

Last night i wanted to break my phone. As i picked it up with the intention of hurling it across the room, as far as my anger would allow me, i saw a hazy glimpse of its little green body from the corner of my teared up eyes, and i remembered that i loved my green gecko.

I checked myself just in time.

But my mind paced, refusing to let my tired body settle for sleep. For the rest of the night i teetered on the edge of a feeling more complex than anger and frustration.

Jeudi

Conference day.

Focus, Missy!

Ah, in a bit...let me float a little while longer up in my cloud, please?

Damn, i miss him too much!

Sigh.

We're in trouble.

La tache aveugle

L: Hey there girl friend, we meet again!

R: Merde! C'est toi! Must we do this now? I am kinda drunk, come back later.

L: Hmm. I must congratulate you though of doing a swell job of holding it altogether.

R: Eh, je ne sais pas de quoi tu parles.

L: LOL, oh you know perfectly well what i am talking about. Your last post.

R: Mon week-end? Il n y a pas de problème, mon amie. C'était très bon, comme une rose, tu n'as pas lu cela?

L: Indeed. I am here for the thorn...

R: Qu'est ce qu'il y a? Tu es ivre aussi comme moi? De quelle épine parles tu maintenant?

L: Sigh. I speak of roses and thorns. Rose, my dear. La fleur à que tu as comparé ton week-end. Pourquoi c'était comme une rose? N'est la jonquille, ni le lys, ni l le lilas, mais la rose. C'est pourquoi?

R: Mon Dieu! Tu es toute folle! Leave me be, L. Just leave me alone. Je suis heureuse, tu ne peux pas voir ça?

L: Sigh. Yes, i do see that. Trust me, i do.

L: Perhaps you don't need me. Perhaps you will make it.

R: Merci. Je l'apprécie.

L: Bon courage donc. Je m'en vais maintenant.

Comme une rose

I had a beautiful weekend, comme une rose.

Granted, i would probably have reached faster by car, my plane was uber late and completely full, people were grumpy and children were grumpier, sky was gloomy and it was raining, but none of those mattered when i got off the escalator and saw him walking toward me.

Every time is like the first time.

Je ne savais pas que c'était possible.

And then i was in his place. Pour le premier fois. Il a dit que j'étais la première fille à orner son lit! Ce qui je peux dire mon ami, good things come to those who wait. :-P

That night the kitchen lost her virginity, and mr jones learned how to make coleslaw, i accidentally landed a cool drink that i shall name pommesky, and even though i didn't get carried over the threshold :-P, i got something that was more fun, a piggyback ride from the bed to the kitchen, ah, two of my fav places!

Sometimes i think, left to our own devices, we are just like a couple of kids. Like the time when mr jones got chided in the artsy hopping high H-district for carrying my purse (in his defense it was a rather manly purse!) and wearing designer clothes. The moment we were out of their eye-shot we burst out giggling comme d'adolescents, ah, seulement ils sont qui montrent telle joie de vivre!

Quelquefois quand nous touchons tellement
L'honnêteté devient trop pour supporter
Et je dois fermer mes yeux et me cacher...

Split

Something is disturbing me and i know not what to do with it.

I am in for a crazy work week, perhaps i can drown my thought in that. For now.

La reine dit

Bonjour, tout le monde!

Tout va bien?

Well, i am off to see mr jones...mon petit roi et son royaume...

:-P ...i would like to hum a song, but i might miss my plane! So later, dears!

Whatever!

J'ai un examen aujourd'hui.

Tuesday sucked up all my energy... woke myself up quite late, still feeling sooooo tired and now i only have one hour to study...sigh.

Whatever, i plan to nail it anyway!

Butterflies are free

Today i would tell you about a student of mine.

I have a very packed schedule to adhere to, but i have noticed that sometimes getting stuff off my head helps me process other things faster. Besides, it will be one half hour well spent.

Like yesterday. She came to see me, as she always does, springing into my office, almost prancing, rushed toward me and exclaimed the way only she can,"Give me some love, it's my birthday today!" Those of you who know me also know that i don't do hugs, no sir-ee bob! Hey, what can i say, i don't even hug my own sis who i am very close with! But this girl is something else, she will make you do stuff you would not normally do. Like Jill Baker in Butterflies are free.

She turned 32 yesterday. My Jill. She has been struggling with the upper level math classes, but that's just not it. She has been struggling with keeping her head above the water that's life. With financial aid and sporadic work she is fighting it out.

She is also raising her eight year old daughter. On her own. I have seen this child. Once or twice she sat in my class with her mom and painted away. An active, engaged and happy child. I have bought girl scout cookies from her, as did many members of the department.

So yesterday after i advised Jill for about 15 minutes about how she could optimally map out her next year, she enlightened me about goldfishes for the next 15 minutes. It so seems that she has found the golden rule of teaching a child about life, science and the responsibilities of caring for beings other than one's own self.

Every time her daughter rises up to a challenge she gets a goldfish, and the custom was established early on for the very essential p-training. So by now Jill has about 16 different goldfishes and from what i could tell she can write a short paper on how to raise cold water goldfishes! I learned many a things, among which are the little known facts that the fish can live as long as 25 years, they do need medical care (on top of all the other cares), and that they cannot procreate unless the environment is conducive.

I also was reminded why i liked my Jill so much. She has not given up. Neither on her child, nor on herself. The more the life tries to pull her down, up she rises ever so buoyant and joyous.

Now, that Jill, she has my respect.

Quel dommage!

Just came back from school event. Say, isn't it nice when men dress up? :-P Found most of my male colleagues in suits and it was a nice surprise. Doesn't hurt that all are tall and more or less in shape, hehe, you would rarely find a math faculty out of shape, i tell you! I don't know why, must be all that thinking! Now if only one can hold on to that hair as thought progresses...but can't have the cake and eat it too, eh?

All in all, it was a nice event, although i failed to recognize half of the student body, my colleagues felt the same way, hmm, what's up with that? But between the ten of us, i think we managed to place all faces, i think.

Omg! I almost forgot! Saw shop dude waiting by the elevator and it was 8 pm! What the hell? For one moment i froze with paranoia thinking somehow he chanced upon my last post, and then took an objective step forward. Thankfully he only said hi and asked if i was off to a party (i did dress rather emphatically, meaning i ditched my usual professional attire)...phew...

Eeek, i just ate the most horrendous cupcake of all! Okay, chill, just balance it out with something yumm...je me demande ce que sera...qu'est-ce que ce je mangerai...hmmm

To skirt or not to skirt

Seven years into my teaching career, i decided to wear a skirt to work today. For the first time. A short one.

As a result i received many a compliments, verbal and not so verbal ones. The verbal ones were mostly from people who knew me, colleagues and graduate students, all females. Men, i just got looks, ah those shy creatures! As i was making my way to the parking lot, in the elevator i got the penultimate compliment, by its last entrant, another female grad student. As she was expressing her appreciation, 'oh, that looks so good on you etc. etc.', out speaks the other occupant of the elevator, an unknown man. 'You know i was thinking the same, but didn't know if it was an appropriate thing for me to say'.

Now this prompts me to tell you a favorite story of mine, written by Guy de Maupassant. But as a prelude to that let me narrate two more episodes from my university life.

It starts like this. Six years ago, quand j'étais un jeune professeur...

Scene 1: ...this student of mine asks me out (by this time he graduated and found a job), first verbally, then by email. At first, i keep pretending not to have understood his advances, and then one day he shows up in my office and asks me out again in front of my colleague, i suppose to make it legit? Given the fact that he was the best student in my class (and a literature major at that!), i wanted to let him down easy. So i take him out for coffee and let him see that there is nothing in common between us, and that his attraction was probably a mélange of adulation and my hotness factor (lol, sorry but c'est vrai!). Anyway, it was what i call, a very nicely done 'Thanks, but no thanks' (if i may say so myself!).

Then there was the other one.

Scene 2: A rookie prof meets a rookie electrician by the said elevator. Think Ricky Martin minus the gay vibe. He introduces himself, and asks for my name. Pretty bold, huh, i think, who dare hits on a prof, soon realizing, he probably took me for a student. I mutter a short form of my name, and make a quick exit in my elevator (i tell you, if only that elevator could talk!). I see him a few other times on my way to the elevator, with him trying to strike up a convo and me trying to leave the scene, lest i start liking him.

Then one day, i realize i did start liking him. Alas, the next day, he makes his boldest move and follows me to my building, only to find out who i was. From then on, he kept his distance, just nodded like all the other guys that just look and nod as i pass by their shop every day on my way to the elevator.

Now comes the final story. Once upon a time in the great land of french countryside there was a couple (X & Y) and their bachelor friend Z. Z had a huge crush on X but thought he would never measure up to be someone who can be with her. The story opens with an old Z running to an old X (Y is dead by now and everyone is real old) to find out once and for all, if she would have said yes to him, had he asked for her hand. Okay, so i completely killed the poetic aura, but in a nutshell that's just about it!

Her answer, 'yes, dummy, i would have said yes.'

Ditto for me. To the shop dude.

So this is what i say to all you guys out there. Don't skirt around the wish. Be bold. Go after the one you want. So what if you get rejected? Get back up and dust yourselves off. You are men, aren't you?

Take a chance. You will never know what's in store for you unless you try.

Yep!

La nuit

It was a long summer night that almost didn't end. The more i tried to fight it, the longer it became. With its cold shoulders and stiff posture, it just sat there, wrapped in conjured apathy that mimicked my own.

Daring me to brave the feelings.

Get it?

Il fait très chaud aujourd'hui.

85 degrees Fahrenheit was what i saw on my car's temp screen, as i was driving myself back from the gym. These days i look forward to my trysts with the cross-trainers, cause that's the only time i feel i could read without a guilty conscience chasing after me. My, see what academia does to you?

It's a bloody sunday, but i have been answering emails and working on something that needs to be submitted tomorrow, at the same time getting ready for some unforeseen meetings, the list goes on. Not that i am complaining too much, cause i love some of these things, although the rest drives me crazy! I am an academic, damnit, don't ask me to fill out forms or chase after broken systems!

And oh, here's to all who think us profs have it easy, that we just come and go, and have our summers off! Let me set that one straight, folks. Yes, you probably see us work 5 hours a day (that is when you really see us, teaching or holding office hours), but we generally work 8-10 hours a day, and most of the week-ends. Those of us wearing more hats than one, regularly pull 60-70 hours per week. Yes, we may have our summers off, but 1) we don't get paid for that time, and 2) it doesn't mean we are freaking sitting on our asses the whole summer, that's when we pursue our research interests, as you might know without publications we're toast! It's a tough balancing act, but most of us do it (despite the ludicrous compensation/time ratio and the more ludicrous demand/time ratio), is, cause we dig it; our students, our books, and just the whole idea of knowledge.

So consider yourselves lucky, dears!

Wow, i dunno what set that off! Probably the heat, or the expectation to answer work emails on a sunday. Anyway, i am reading Tony Morrison's Beloved on the cross-trainers these days. It's downright raw. I would like to cite a passage i like, but, i gotta go feed myself.

Later, all.

Les enfants

This afternoon i made a cognizant effort to be sans thoughts, thoughts that can earn me the brand silly. I took a really long walk wanting to get lost in the summer breeze, tall trees and the smell of cut grass. And happy kids. So i ended my walk with a sit-out at my beautiful neighborhood park that always sparkles with picnics and all sort of celebrations during the weekend.

I sat on a bench and watched children play. Joggers ran by and cyclists circled around, afternoon sun mellowed over the tall maple trees, bees hummed in one last recognition of the day, but they kept on playing.

I couldn't help but think. Did i ever play like that, quand j'étais une petite fille? But i already knew the answer. Non. I was the quiet wondering one, happy to be left in the corner by herself with her books, and she didn't care what book she found, she just read. I suppose i was an odd child. I remember reading big books of religion (written in poems) to our helping hands. As the evening would fall they will gather by the kitchen and i would recite the words from god's own mouth. I was told the said act earned you points with god. Yeah, i did believe in god back then, so i tried to be on his good side. Ha! I remember one night i put my book down and ran crying while reading the part where the demon king stole the princess and the noble bird died protecting her.

How silly of me!

Yes, as a child i lived within myself, often coming alive in the characters of the books. They made me laugh, cry, dream, but most importantly they always let me be myself. Mes amis silencieux. They let me wonder.

Even if i try very hard and go as far in the past as possible, i can't see that girl running around, jumping over fences or rolling in the grass in careless abundance. Granted, i come a long way from then and i have become quite an extrovert. In parties or while giving a talk, or teaching even, i am all outspoken, intense and unabashed. In a nutshell, when i open my mouth, people listen. So no, you won't see even a glimpse of that shy little girl who would like nothing better than to be left alone with her books.

But even though she was not quite like the playful kids that bring me such joy, she was nevertheless the same, eyes full of wonders, mind full of hopes and beliefs that anything is possible. And she is still somewhere in me, manifesting in my silly acts or trusting heart. But i don't let her out often, for this world is a bad bad place for girls like that.

You might have seen her once or twice. Here. Si tu as vu avec les yeux d'un enfant.

Of doubts and thoughts

This morning i woke up with the unusual sound of two male voices conversing inside my apartment. As my dream daze wore off, i realized what it was. My two bros having an intercontinental convo on my answering machine. Pas juste! Waking me up from my beautiful dream! Can't tell you what my dream was about though, lest i be judged for having them.

Ah, judgement!

Those of you who read (and understood) last night's post know already that mr jones and i had a fight hier soir. I have to admit that i was being a brat, and he was being the adult. Then that's us. When one throws a tantrum the other remains calm, well, 9 out of 10 times. That one time is the real test of us.

Even though i have been asked not to wonder and ponder (comme mon prefesseur m'a dit, 'tu penses trop, d') i can't help it. I want to understand why things are the way they are. Perhaps if i stop thinking i will be bursting with happiness, happiness unpolluted by thoughts. Thoughts are perhaps the bane of my existence, but they are also me, and how can i separate the one from the other?

Let us not mistake the thoughts for doubts. There is a distinct delineation. Thoughts are like flakes of clouds, be it the one adorning a sunny sky or ushering rain for that matter. Your mind is clear afterwards. Doubts on the other hand are like cancer cells, multiplying irrationally ultimately causing the demise of the host.

As i am saying this i am thinking of Descartes in the back of my mind, Dubito ergo cogito. Hmm. Am i being truthful then? Then again, can that statement be universally true? Must a doubt precede every thought? Now i quite doubt that, LOL. Sorry, that was lame! Coming back to my point, i still maintain that the thoughts are not necessarily generated from doubts. It's all just a continuum of consciousness, and that debunks the mandate of there being such an order.

Yikes, i think i floated too far away from where i was. Man, i do the same in my classes, i could just run with it, leaving my students with the not so envious task of running with my mind! Anyway, sigh, where was i? Forget all this, let me just hum you a few lines from a song instead, with an apology for inadequate translation...

ce qui je peux dire

ce n'est pas la colère, ou le doute, mon chéri,

c'est juste une autre façon de moi

de vous attirer plus près

Si oui

je souhaite que tu aies un bon jour et tu trouves quelqu'un

quelqu'un qui est très pratique et raisonnable comme toi

si tu ne me comprends pas encore

mais ne moi demandes pas d'être quelqu'un d'autre

s'il te plaît

Score!

Ooh...i just got intimation from NSF that my million $ baby is thiiiiis close to being funded but i need to provide a suitable abstract in present progressive tense for public/congressional queires...hmm...say what tense again, see, i learn new things every day!

Anywho, guess who is back from his trip!

C'est mon chéri et mon meilleur ami...c'est quelq'un qui fait me sourir toujours ...

:)

god, i missed that man!

Eeek!

Tax day.

Mieux vaut tard que jamais!

If you are wondering what the last post was about, it was a demonstration of a word with a scene or sentence. Je pratique pour mon examen de français (à demain). Although we are allowed to just use the definition for that purpose, me, i prefer this mode, hehe, shows my french prowess too!

We are also keeping a journal where you just write whatever comes to your mind, grammatically correct or not, only requirement is that it be in french. I must say that it is proving to be quite beneficial. I already have four long pages of whatever. No one will be reading it, so you can really, i mean really write whatever. Catch my drift? Wait, i am feeling a bit paranoid now, cause tomorrow, when we write the exam, what if prof gets bored and starts to read them (which are always put on the table à lundi)? Perhaps i should sober down the topics some, eh? (i know, i know, it's sober up and tone down, but i like 'em mixed up, so sue me!)

So yeah, comme j'ai dit, this course is a bit different than the ones before. I like it like this.

Okay, back to books.

By the way, my last few posts might have given you the impression of me being a spoiled brat who does nothing but studies french while enjoying the sun, but ce n'est pas tout, trust me, je suis plus que cela! Although now that i have said it, it doesn't sound half bad either!

:-P

Comme une femme

My most favourite scene from SATC is when Richard the dick was rushing after Samantha who ran out of his office to the elevator, after he told her she couldn't have the job, cause, she was after all, a woman. Tears were about to stream down her cheeks and she prayed like she never prayed before, for the elevator door to close before he could see her like that. Like a woman.

Vulnerability.

When the armour falls off and you see a glimpse of the person underneath.

Sometimes it's just for a moment, but the moment suffices.

Il faut que vous ne soyez pas sans méfiance quand vous baissez votre garde.

Comment cela

It's very green all around, everyone's happy to get their leaves back. That and the fact that it's a languid yet crisp saturday does put somewhat of a festive touch in the air; to that add the sound of the concert coming from the park, and the chatter of happy kids, and you have un jour d'or.

Almost.

Mister sun has decided to play hide and seek avec des nuages, so i am taking a blog-break from sun bathing/studying french outside. It is getting a little bit demanding, french, but that only makes this soon to be third year french student happy. Fiez-vous à moi! In fact i am dreaming of the day when i will begin working on my master's thesis, and :-P i already have my topic picked out! I plan to analyse these two books written by two lovers who were first brought together by quirk of fate, then separated for life, finally to be brought together by their books, where one book was written as a rebuttal to the other. My goal is simple. I will be looking to separate relative truth from absolute truth. And the fact that they were written in two different languages (spanning two continents), will instigate if not satiate the linguist in me. Qu'en pensez vous? C'est une bonne idée, n'est-ce pas?

Oh, that reminds me, this math prof went to a 3 hour session of right-brain thesis defences last week. My, what interesting topics! Just to give you a flavour, it ranged from "The sexual desire (in particular Asian men wanting to bed white women...um, at first i thought they had the genders transposed, but i guess c'est vrai aussi!)", to "The power of media (words versus photographs, truth be told, this one wasn't as appealing)", to "Fiction embedded in non-fiction proposed as fiction (There is no fiction or non-fiction, there are just narratives!)", to "Sexuality (homosexuality in American literature or rather lack thereof)" to "Class passing (think working girl, Melanie Griffth as Sigourney Weaver)" to finally the topic that interested me the most, "Masculinity (as perceived in Hardy's Novels)".

It's a comparison of the ideal man (Gabriel Oak in Far from the Madding Crowd, one of Hardy's earlier novels), and that of a failed man (Jude Fawley from Jude The Obscure, Hardy's more mature (then uber-infamous) novel). Freud was brought in to triangulate; with his view that manhood is asserted by prowess in the following fields (sex and ambition).

Hardy's unsaid premise is, there is no ideal man, or so was professed by the presenter. This sure is food for thought pour petite moi, as y'all know i am very interested in the mankind. LOL. So i guess i will have to read the second book and decide it for myself some time soon!

For now, i just let out a very pronounced hmm!

It's a girl!

Yay! I am a new aunt today! And with that the subset generation is now back to 1:1.

Ecoutes moi papa, tu es grand-père encore!

Le crescendo

what tune you play tonight?

sound upon sound
strikes the joyous beat
falls off my veil in one stolen glance

oh how you make me dance!

in whispered notes
and hushed rhythm
rising high and falling low

i lose myself.

bells strewn everywhere
tinkling rolling pealing
until the last sound is hushed

silence

in zephyr boundless
in dew drops on leaves
in earthy scent of flower unknown

Fairy dust

Ooh...i am watching The Simpsons rerun (Bart in France) lots of french pour petite moi...hopefully one day i will just wake up and start to speak comme lui!

Some recaps:

AI: Adam Lambert is a hottie, gay or not, but i am still rooting for Gokey. That 2-2 divide of judges' save was so revealing that it was almost crass. Paula all but made me cry with her final ode to sweet McIntyre.

And what the hell was that Flo Rida lyrics again? "You spin my head right around when you go down down?" My, nothing is sacred any more! LOL, Hopefully people of impressionable age had their ears covered. Sheesh! And Rescue Me gets three-pronged warning with every single segment! C'est ne pas juste!

DWTS: Hmm. It was a tad disappointing this monday, Gilles and Ty delivered quasi-anaemic renditions of my all time fav dance form Paso Doble, c'est dommage (shaking my head in disbelief)! Well, at least there was no Lindy Hop! But cool bare chested dancers on tuesday, the ones clad in interesting red silk skirts (?), black tattoos and shaved heads.

Steve-O was such a sad clown. :( Makes me want to touch him with my magic wand and transform him into the dancer that he wants to be!