Ne céde pas

Blue is the color of pain.

Hmm, dunno why i said that, i haven't been particularly sad lately. But there have been lives lost recently, and it was terrible to see the mother's grief... yes i know you cannot understand how this world goes on without her, and how your tears run out and you cry tearless in powerless protests. Let go, for it means nothing to her anymore. She is gone. It's just you, left to stand there forever, à la porte bleue...clutching your pain...

Digress, s'il te plaît...

I was without the Internet for two days, c'est incroyable! I really didn't care to fix it, just cause! But anyway, took me 1.5 hrs of troubleshooting on the phone and i finally have a decent connection, although unfortunately wired. Yep, the modem dude asked that i call the router dude if i wanted my wireless connection back, and i wasn't ready for another 1.5 hrs of 'trial and errors'! So i had to give up my usual kitchen table stakeout and my balcony view. But i am finally using my very appropriate bureau with its nice library lamp and ornate hutch! Hmph! I think i will call the router dude tomorrow cause all this tabular propriety is kinda suffocating my imagination!

Sigh. Mr jones, tu me manques beaucoup...oh hush, don't be a silly girl!

The last quarter of the a-year has started quietly comme un chuchotement forcé. French class was good as usual, we are upon subjonctifs (!) and watched a cool clip that held us captive past the bell. I got intrigued verb-wise and so today i checked out all 14 tenses in my 501 book, so expect me to deliver decent sentences in any tenses soon! Ummhmm! Je souhaite que tu croies-en mon éxperience!

My students supposedly missed me, hehe, they actually dropped by after class to express their disapointment of not seeing me as expected! Say what, did i not kill them enough last quarter, and they want more of me? :-P It made me a little sad cause i missed them too. Oh well, that's life i guess. You can't do it all, something's gotta give. Still, sad! I wish there were no such thing as grants so i could just live a quiet life perusing and pursuing knowledge, being a student, leading students, just hanging out by the aroma of knowldge brewing. Yep, c'est vrai, i am no good in your real world, fellas! I like knowledge for knowledge's sake. Pure, profound and simple. I am just happy to have known it, with no particular intention of ever putting it to use.

That reminds me, i finally finished "This side of Paradise"! I am a bit bruised as a result, it's a hard book to read, no destination, no structure, just words leading words into a weave of listlessness.

J'ai sommeil, so goodnight all and here's to all the hopeless listless dreamers, broken wishes and blue pain, truly, what will we be without you? And you my dear, you who adopt blue, be steady, my friend! Dance away the night to songs unwritten...and if the night is dark, let the stars be in your eyes...ne céde pas, ne céde pas, ne céde pas...

In today's broken promise, hold tomorrow close
Yesterday, never far.

Toutes voiles dehors

Mr jones is busy packing his gears for his yearly exotic trip with his man friends ;;), so i thought i would sneak in an entry while he is at it.

Hmm, i think i am gonna miss him much... sigh, oh i know, i will just imagine him in shorts treading through countryside, :-P my magnificent Virgo, mmm... yumm...peut-être en prenant des notes dans son cahier à spirales...yep, that will hold me for couple weeks i guess. I am happy too that he will have two fun weeks hanging out with his buddies, not to mention all the stories he will bring back pour moi!

Did i just say that? Man, i am so pitifully gone! Anchor and all.

Okay, he will be back soon so bye bye blog! Au revoir!

Rock, paper, scissors

Man, i made the mistake of reading this irksome article about a book by comedian Steve Harvey, that too the first thing in the morning! Which left me with two choices. Ignore, for it ain't true. Or, rebut, for it ain't true. Being the head-butting Leo that i am, okay, okay, that's more like a bull, and i am but a lazy Leo, but whatever, i chose the latter anyway!

Empowering women everywhere with his man's wisdom is Steve's goal. Aww! Lofty, Steve! But truly you don't know much about women and do know only little about most men.

Misportrayal 1: Commitment is not what women live breathe and eat. Au contraire, it's much harder to get a well capable woman to truly commit to a man. The stress is on the word, 'truly'. We get bored rather fast and are equally capable to move on to the next interesting thing, ahem, man. And what's lethal is once we do, we don't give a damn about you. A man having an affair is still committed to his marriage (whatever the hell commitment means), but more often than not a woman in a similar situation is ready to chuck her hubby. So yeah.

Misportrayal 2: Your portrayal of men was very unjust to downright irresponsible. However, if by men you meant boys, i would agree. Then some boys do grow up to be men. Men who refuse to jump through all the hoops for what you so charmingly call "the cookie" and are well capable of waiting to get the right woman in their bed. So yeah (encore).

The premise: Next let us ponder what we all are looking for in life as far as relationships go. Settling down? Let's say that's what you want, and you followed all of Harvey's rules (e.g., Rule # 5: no sex before 90 days, LOL, you're kidding me, right?) like holy mantras and caught the big fish. Let me tell you this, men and women alike, the pursuit never ends, so settling down just cause you have that rock on your finger or that paper in your hand ain't worth the weight or the ink. Statistically, half will run out of ink, and the other half will suffocate under the weight of that rock.

Something to save the day: However, i am fair and give credit where credit is due. Mister Harvey's last paragraph rings completely true. A man does protect his woman at any cost. And that chivalry isn't dead, shouldn't be dead. By all means, let the man carry your stuff or hold the door, after all, you are the one who will carry the most precious weight of all! Nothing's wrong with a little quid-pro-quo...je dis! :-P

The bottom line: This revives the question, why do we need a contract for a man/woman relationship when we don't for all the other kinds? Oh i know! Without a contract how do you assure the proper distribution of the ownership of wealth? Material and human wealth alike. Brilliant! The whole idea is built on a contingent failure! We should have more of this!

Jokes aside, do understand that every relationship is a connection, and the more organic you keep it, the better chance you provide for it to flourish. Let it breathe. Give yourself, if you so want and give yourself knowing no barriers. Drown all the way to rise above yourself. It's a wonderful feeling. And oh yeah, don't make rules. Rules create lines, lines bound by stagnant inclinations, lines that rarely intersect with one another. Flow like a curve, make your way as you go. Granted, it will take a lot of strength, but it will be a journey worth it.

So this is what i say to you. Just live. In the moment. Sans des règles. Give it all you have, but do not be afraid to move on, if the wonder fades. You owe yourself that much.

It's Ty

My oh my!

Move over french dude, granted you are super hot, and that upper body shake was something unseen, but i have found my Fred Astaire! Sorry Bruno, i called it before you did!

My short-list just got a lot shorter, and the winner is the soft-spoken, rope throwing, cowboy's cowboy, gentleman's gentleman, Mister Ty Murray!

Enfin!

Well, well, the quarter is now behind us, or at least behind me! Aside from some meetings tomorrow and grading the finals, j'ai fini!

I have finally decided not to teach next quarter, and it was a tough decision, given the fact that it is the only thing that keeps me sane (a regular dose of communication of math!). Hmm, but the last quarter almost teared me apart with its divergent and numerous tasks, and i am still recovering from that unforeseen avalanche. So i decided to put me first this quarter by dropping the only responsibility that i could, and received a 'that a girl' from my twenty-five. :-P Okay, okay, i won't gush! But do allow me a happy sigh?

Mmmm...

Even though i felt quite like the rat on a 'crack'ed up wheel, trying to submit a major proposal, hosting a workshop and presenting at a conference, all within the span of a week (in addition to my already over-extended schedule!), i am happy to report that end results were all good. Of course there were some unforeseen hurdles, such as churning out my slides on plane (LOL, who am i kidding, i do that for every talk!) or getting a last minute email from an administrator asking me to change the name of my proposal if i were to get an LOS. I basically said screw you, i don't fucking care for your letter, but being an academic used a tamer won't happen love and voilà, there was the letter on my desk the next day! And lastly, some dept chairs who were being unresponsive about sending me some reps for my workshop. I asked my dean to work his charm, and guess what, out come rushing reps! Aww, i love my new dean along with my power to use him for blackmailing! hehe, anything for a good cause!.

So yeah, i am getting to be quite a tough cookie, if you ask me :-D in a don't mess with me way.

I had many things to say about the quarter but sadly by now i forgot most of them. Oh yeah, i realized (again) how very different my tests are from all other professors and that how just a different approach can stop most learners on their tracks. But not the ones with, how do i say, well-oiled learning. You gotta have your C&G abilities, Connection (horizontal and vertical), Coordination (flexibility and reversibility) and Generalization (patterns and problems), or you are so heading for a disaster grade in my class. Tough, is all i say!

LOL, sometimes i wonder how i got the tenure with some of the student comments i received on my evaluations! Perhaps because for every 'she is too hard, goes at break-neck speed, expects us to know everything' there were ten 'she is the best i have had, and i learned the most'. Only goes to show that most people are honest and their sight is not tainted by the color of their grades. It's funny nevertheless, how i am well-liked but my tests are well feared at the same time. Now if only we can change the culture of straightforward 'do this, do that' tests, all will be well. Sigh, a girl can dream, can't she?

So yeah, that's all i have time for now, gotta get some stuff done, cause, as one might have predicted, i am off to see mr. mcstudly :-P aka mr jones, as soon as the sun says hello on friday! Yep, yours truly is celebrating the end of quarter in grand style, as she so rightfully deserves!

Yumm, what a treat!

Now we are talking

Naked french dude from SATC movie just hit 3 nines! Yumm, the man is not just a looker but he can shake his cha-cha-cha all the way, um, not to speak of his holding power in quick-step en face d'une kryptonite!

Now that's the combination of limber and lethal we could dig on the floor!

Women are swooning everywhere, although, hmm, how do i say this, ahem, je pense que the other team got to him first...oh well, what do i care...i am just interested in some good old dancing!

:-P

Flash!

I was studying for my french final this morning while i had an epiphany.

So far i have been memorizing the irregular verbs as we were instructed to do so, but i just realized exactly how the irregular verbs are structured and why!

Oh my!

Feeling quite like Poincare...

"Ideas rose in clouds; I felt them collide until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable combination...".

Ma luciole

Her curve mapped onto the bends of the spine shaped chair, as she wrapped her legs around in a lotus pose. She has begun to read the little picture dictionary he got her, but her mind invariably floated up and settled around him. Looking at him askance she couldn't tell if his eyes were in his book, as he sat on the bed leaning against the scribbled headboard. 'Hmm', she thought, 'perhaps if i sound out the words, i could keep my mind still'.

But words found life in the pronounced sounds and the sounds started to float up with the mind, this time twirling around him in a gleeful dance. And then she knew why.

He was looking at her all this time. Oddly enough she remembered her dream of the glass wall and the cafe. But it was not a half-smile. He was smiling at her.

Like sunlight through a rain-touched cloud, she felt him stirring within her. Like the petals of a blossoming desert flower, like the roots of a sinuous willow it kept on erupting; soaring, rising, rupturing flight of minds, colliding at once.

She smiled at him. She knew he was now free.

Her beautiful firefly.

A dance and a poem

Le ciel me dit que il va pleuvoir aujourd'hui.

Et toi papa, qu'est-ce que tu m'as dit?

Right before i fell asleep, i knew you would be there for me.

It was still dark when i woke up, but you left me in the light. Of a visual, vivid as yesterday. A stage that was just danced on, still adorned with throngs of beautiful pink lotus flowers. The air heavy with the scent of jasmine and tuberoses. A garland in my hair. Waves of faces, smiles and hugs, wishes and flowers in abundance.

It was my birthday. A milestone one. Funny you gave me a diamond ring, it's not like you to give meaningless rocks. It sits in a box, as do all such rings in the family, for diamonds caused you ill. Your superstition. Funny, cause you had so few.

But it's what you gave me on that stage that shine ever so bright, when all else fade. You. Tu et ma fille. A dance and a poem. A lilting, joyous, thunderous concoction of expressions of soul. C'est ma fille. An undying spirit, a rare blend of insight and exuberance, authority and empathy. C'est mon papa. From you i came, to her i went. Oui, ce sont mes limites. Et j'ai de la chance pour toujours.

And there was my answer. In your poem.

Remember me when i am gone

It is my only request to you

Don't let go of me

Even if i do of you

I must go where i am called

And if i never return

I will know still

I walk with you always

And i shall never be afraid

If you remember me.

Apart

I got you some roses.

Mais je ne savais pas comment on fait une guirlande avec ceux. So there they stand in knee-deep water, tall and beautiful, yet devoid of all scent, ruefully apart from the other, in pristine mutual exclusion. The incense burns underneath the picture just like it should. A baby and a beaming new dad.

Comme les fleurs, there i stood still. In flesh and blood.

And there you stood framed in your likeness.

Apart.

One year. A meaningless mark. Nothing really changes but we just grow apart.

Oh, but i cannot cry. That was then. When dignity became a foreign concept. I stood guarding the threshold, one with my rage, throwing a tantrum like a child with a broken promise, as i screamed at your lifeless body, C'est pas possible! Ce n'est pas mon papa!

But you had nothing to say.

What would you say if you could hear me now?

Just beat it

Oh my, it's MJ night on AI! Yeah baby! What a nice treat pour moi!

Better be a just tribute to his talent though.

You dig?

I am here on a brain-freeze break from almost non-stop editing of my proposal and thought i would share this neat German proverb i learned yesterday...

Liebe raten sie oft
Hei raten sie manchmal
Aber verhei raten sie nie!

Love often
Date sometimes
But never marry!

Hehe...melikes!

Hello Hello

Oh my, look how long i have been gone!

Suffices to say my job has taken me hostage big time, even the beautiful m-bay that i just returned from couldn't make me forget my plight. Will continue so until the quarter is over, sigh, so blogging frequency will be cut thinner than Stephan's salmon carpacio, LOL...Sorry i did agree with the judges on that one, taste over presentation baby! By the way, did anyone catch the Top Chef reunion, ah sweet Jeff, and Stephan and his boyfriend Fabio, :-P, excuse me, but i do absolutely adore a little camaraderie between men!

So next week i will be uber-busy with stuff at work, i mean additional big stuff that just all landed on this week comme une avalanche burying me underneath.

Cela dit, i have to mention that i did have three beautiful beautiful days with mr. jones the week before :-) moments i am holding onto, until we meet again. And yes, i am intentionally being mum about what transpired, cause the hotness index is just too high for even my NC-17 blog!

:-P