Tall order

"Knowledge is two-fold, and consists not only in the affirmation of what is true, but in the negation of that which is false."- CCC

Happy B'day, Sis...

I admit that i hid it. I hid it well and deep. So no, you won't find it if you came looking for it. I wish i could share it with you. I know how you hurt, how much you miss him. Especially today of all days, and i wish i could lend you a shoulder. But they are still stiff in resignation, and my posture aloof. I don't know how to let you in. I am alone in my grief.

If only i could breathe
Maybe you can see me cry
If only i could drown
Perhaps i can let out that sigh

But i cannot move. I can't breathe, i can't drown. For i am still standing here. So i cower. An awkward silence, a quick change of the subject, a desparate grasp at my funny joking self. In my feeble attempt to cheer you up. That's all i can offer you.

Ah, forgive me! That i cannot be there for you.

I am not there yet.

Essayez

Here i wrote something in invisible ink for you to read with mind's eyes.

Hot Toddy

Someone caught a cold last night, so she is thinking of mixing herself a hot toddy.

Hot Toddy: Whiskey+Orange/Lemon juice+Honey+Hot water

It's best to sweat out a cold, as the saying goes, mais je me sens paresseuse! Instead, i am sweating it out with some french grammar. So far so good.

I do know of another method of sweating it out :-P, que dites vous, monsieur jones? Vous avez envie de venir?

Hmm, i am not shy to admit that today i spent a lot of time staring at his pictures. You know, like just putting my hand on my chin, and kinda staring away. And thinking to myself, wonder what his thoughts were at that moment. Which i am sure i would not have the courage to do in person.

Oh! Or, would i?

It remains to be seen, i guess. I am saving myself a front-row seat.

How the shy Virgo takes over the bold Leo. Oh, i am quite positive of that outcome, just wondering about the how part.

:-P

By the way, the little yellow chicky disclaims any responsibility for the said cold.

Le jugement

Something came in the mail. I knew what it was, even before i opened the envelope. The address in my own handwriting spoke back with the lasting certainty of an unabashed stare. "Here you go, here's that thing you worked so hard to get."

A few pieces of papers stapled together. Legal mumbo-jumbo.

An inevitable sigh. Eh, i dunno what it signifies. A half-smile. En raillant de l'audace de la cour, ou bien des humains, en général .

Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mockingbird won't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass...

Bon aniversaire!

I woke up to a dark and cold day facilitated by sounds of raindrops. Then i thought, "Wait a minute, symptoms are entirely too familiar, wonder what it is... oh right, it's gotta be my blog's birthday!".

:-D

Today i got the mammoth relationship book that i was asking for. With baited breath i turned the pages to find the precise Leo-Virgo permutation that defines us. Okay, we are marked as doomed. LOL. Now see, i knew that! It just makes us all that more alluring, don't you think? :-* pour mon chéri condamné... Baby, i love being doomed with you!

Too bad i have no time to be prolific about it, or many other things that are bubbling in my mind, i am entertaining house guests.

Une promenade

Yesterday...

Sun hid himself as soon as i landed on the pavement, leaving me in the melancholic company of cloud subdued sky. But i wasn't about to fold. I turned my coat collar up, (er, wasn't a fashion statement, but i sure looked goooood :-P) slid my hands into my pockets and off i went.

I walked for an hour, zig-zagging through quaint main streets and pretty cottage neighborhoods. I was surprised to see maple trees that were still green, standing right beside trees that were basking in fall colors. I discovered many a trees whose names i knew not, trees with unusual leaves and funny branches; odd-looking tiny cottages built at the turn of last last century, many cute cats, but only a handful of humans.

At times it was quite solitary. Nothing but the sound of my boots against the concrete of the street, with every intruding step the desolate streets falling even quieter, autumn leaves being crunched underneath providing relief from time to time.

I felt sequestered in that boundlessness. I know it sounds almost paradoxical. But that's how it felt.

Il fait soleil

Beautiful, beautiful day.

Someone decided to ditch the gym and go for a long walk instead.

Curiosity lost

The moon is in full view and 99% lit. Sun on the other hand is playing hide and seek since he got up. Brrrrrrr, it's so cold!

I am nicely wrapped up in a jacket and heat-waves, but i feel sad for the maple trees. They look magnificent though, a row on either side of the street, standing tall and erect, proud that leaves are sporting oh so many colors, ready to brave the bare branches that will follow.

Ah, nature! Je t'applaudis! Your strokes are breathtaking, your simplicity divine.

Sometimes a simple original idea is hands-down the best. I do not understand why us humans strive to make things complex and inorganic. Take "The curious case..." for example. What's the point in dramatising the original story to the extent of losing its essence, i know not.

The brilliant premise of FSF's short story is all but lost under the loud brushstrokes of unnecessary and predictable dramatization. Raising old master Button in an old home? Hmm, cheap plot, ineffective. Creating the usual mystery father figure to be divulged at death bed (er, twice!!)? Ah, cliché. No grandpa-father-son-grandson interludes? Fundamental loss.

Gone are the poignant moments shared between the four generations. Senior Button's reaction and his funny yet pathetic visit to the clothing store to buy clothes for his old infant. Old and newborn master Benjamin reluctantly brought home by his shame-stricken father and forced to behave his not so apparent age. The grandfather's refusal to accept the little old man as his grandson. Later, Benjamin's own son begging him to stop aging backward. When that didn't work, his asking Benjamin to call him "uncle" when company was present. In the end, Benjamin growing younger in the company of his grandson, and waiting to die at the same time.

In all the refusals and failures in fitting in, Benjamin's unusual journey experienced time like no other. In his old form he has been the rocking chair buddy to his grandpa, in his prime, a grey and dignified companion to his father, in his youth, a friend to his son, and in his childhood, a play-mate to his grandson. An insider by look, outsider by disposition, holding an aging mind in his inverse-aging body. A vicious circle of time chasing visible age chasing time. Ingenious!

So that's what i want to say. Take a cue from nature. Un-clutter your canvas. Keep your strokes simple but brilliant. And oh yeah. Leave something to imagination and fantasy. Not everything has or could benefit from an explanation. Lose that clockmaker. Please.

Objection!

I am hereby registering my objection re: choice of winner of last night's Top Chef Elimination Challenge.

"Something borrowed" was the rightful winner, but the hat should have gone to all three, and not just Ariane. I mean, come on, Tom/Padma/Gail/F&W Lady, who amongst us doesn't know that meat is as good as its marinade (Radhika) or the sauce that accompanies it (Jamie). Besides, Ariane's miscalculation of baking time almost killed the dish. Without everyone pitching in with the plating, it didn't stand a chance of ever seeing the table.

So yeah.

And aww...sweet Fabio was mad. Nice to see he has anger.

Heaven, Hell or...

I am feeling that after-final pre-Christmas lull. Ah, it's a childhood thing. I always felt a void about this time of the year. The year's done, nothing to do (Yes! no tenure file to turn in!) but to wait for the next year to roll in. Now that nothing to do part may not be entirely true, i mean i spent the whole morning doing advisement and prepping for a new BS program that should be ready to submit come Winter, but a little pretense never hurt anyone, right? :-D

Today i made two decisions. The first was that i want go for that MA in french. So i talked to the chair and mapped out a path. I need 36 more undergraduate credits before i even apply. So yeah, like in two years. C'est une bonne idée, n'est-ce pas? The second is that i am going to Las Vegas for new year. I am. Are we? Oui, mon chéri. Don't ask me how the two are related. Hmm, perhaps i am feeling lucky?

Yesterday i saw an interview of Mr. Pitt on CNN. I think i am beginning to like him as a person. Never as an actor though. Well, unless he is in something like Seven or Fight Club, providing a fitting backdrop so i can concentrate on Kevin Spacey or Edward Norton. LOL, no offense. By the way, i heard from some reliable source that they completely changed the story on The curious case .... except that age going backward factor. Darn it, just as i feared they would! In any case, i doubt that anyone can portray FSF's lyricism in a film anyway. Wow, so many anys!

I have mr jones to thank for ...getting me to read FSF. That, and then some. Ah, so many things in you i admire, my dear. But no time to gush. Maybe later.

Aujourd'hui

Truth be told, yesterday sucked. I ended up brooding and as a result, by the end of the day, grading was still 7/8th undone. I finally went to sleep, aided by some motrin and hope for tomorrow, feeling quite like Scarlett O'Hara upon Rhett's departure.

Today was decidedly more productive. In addition, certain myths were broken. Myths that i created to justify my procrastination

1) No, you don't need a red pen to grade, let go of that safety blanket
2) No need to be surrounded by people buried in books so you can feel justified to be grading
3) No visit to coffee shop needed, that 4 bucks latte only helps the economy
4) No break is really required between grading two papers; it's painful, just get it done, kinda like waxing, yikes, but yeah.

Took me 1.5 hours to do the 7/8th, whereas the first 1/8th took 2 hours. You see what i mean? Mind over matter, baby, that's what i am talking about. Doesn't hurt that i can speed-read.

I am very happy to report that an unlikely contender came from behind and beat all the veteran front-runners. Yes! I was secretly hoping for something like this. Only goes to show that age is but a number when it comes to brain-power. The boy happens to be seventeen, but i knew he had it in him from the very first day, even though he did not display any such performance beforehand. Oh, we always know. A novel and brilliant response here, the usual rote steps missing there, you know, the tell-tale signs of higher order thinking.

All well that ends well. So good luck young mister CG, here's hoping a brilliant future to you!

I shall treat myself to some scotch now, which i had some trouble getting. I got carded and had no id with age on it. It went like this:

Me: Um, oops, sorry mister, here's my other id (university pic id, says faculty in big letters)
Manager: Hmm, it seems that you may be over 21 but i still need to see some proof of age.
Me: Oh come on, i am a professor at a university, do you really think i am below 21?
(and if such is the case, shouldn't i just get the scotch as a reward of some sort?)
Manager: No, the law says if you appear to be below 21, you have to produce a state id showing proof of age.
Me: I promise i will have it next time (making sad eyes)
Manager: Ok. Please remember to have it on you as you do have that youthful look.
Me: Yes! Thank you!

Soon i will be under the happy influence of mister JW, so it is time that i bid you good-bye. And just so there is no confusion, i want to go on record with the statement "No, i am not drinking to drown my sorrow". Eh, i got no proof, so you just have to take my word for it i guess.

:-P

You don't say!

C had to pack, she is catching an early plane tomorrow. Now that made me homesick. :(

Free fall from there. No gf safety net.

Take-outs: check!
Bath robe: check!
Sappy movie: check!

And they had to be playing 'You got mail'! LOL. The irony!

Ah, non!

Ick, who let that R out?

In any case, she can't be farther from the truth. I am too busy to have a field day with break-up fun. You know, like take-outs in bathrobes and sappy movies. Let's see. Thursday i spent balancing grant budget and editing some shit. Spent couple of hours in gym, made a friend, whose name i can't recall. Friday i ran errands, and finished tons of advising shit. This morning i hit the gym, saw my friend whose name i still can't recall. Chatted an hour on the phone, toyed with the idea of a walk, but it was too bloody cold, so checked out some shit on the net instead. Currently i am partaking in the end of quarter grading marathon. 1/8th done, 7/8th to go. Might go out with C later to catch a movie. You do the math.

So yeah, no blues here my dears.

La boussole

Comme j'ai dit, je suis au courant.

So when the Leo and the Virgo went about their usual break-up rituals, i took a pondering break. Conversing with either of them would have invited an energy i was not ready to absorb. Let's see. Virgo will retreat to his dark mood, beginning to feel the pain that he didn't know existed, Leo will hide her true feelings under dual pretense. Bury herself under work or go out and make meaningless friends.

Mais oui! How else can it be?

Ils pourront faire la paix. When not vehemently trying to deny the other. Perhaps he will go for his solitary runs, and she her walks. Les deux vont se rencontrer, peut-être, on the path visible only to mind's eyes. Like a warm breeze on a cold winter day, his smile will linger on her lips. 'hey kiddo, how are you?' His eyes will light up with the sparkle in hers, 'ça va, monsieur jones, êtes vous bien?' Neither will let the other see the hurt.

Oh, no, it was not my desire to be caught in that force-field. You understand of course. Yup, ask any compass placed in between two magnets separated and you will know.

I will just be here, and keep an eye on them. Ah, ces enfants mignons peu mûrs! Playing in life's sandbox the game that has no end.

Virgin Heart

That was not a complete disclosure. A better one would have been,

"Papa, help me be strong, i am falling apart"...but hey, Leos don't cry. No, we don't, for that would be a bloody shame. Mais oui, mon amie! How about, "Papa, help me be strong, he is tearing me apart"?...No, no complaints, 'hows could you?'s are for losers! I see. Tell me then my dear, who cried herself to sleep last night? Wasn't me. No? Who woke up shivering, knocking at the door of dazed reality, 'was it a dream, or did we break up?'? Nope, wasn't me!

Wasn't me wasn't me wasn't me! Shut up and let me be.

shut up autumn leaves
shut up raindrops
shut up blue mountains

you deafen me.

Ah, poor Leos. They are the ones holding their tears in the shell of mustered strength hoping that someday they would emerge anew.

Pure, full, lustrous, comme une perle.

Alors, moi, je suis au courant.

Papa

Help me be strong.

Battle ahead

Plaintiff: The freshmen students who unknowingly signed up for teaching done by minimally credentialed exhausted temps (typically commuting between 4 campuses teaching 7-8 courses )

Prosecutors: Four very pumped-up profs all ready to argue their case.

Defendant: The University.

Defense lawyers : The administrators some of whom are torn by dual loyalties.

Judge & jury: Common Sense & Foresight (Not sure if the judge will preside or the jury will get the time off for this duty)

Verdict: Will be posted.

Hush my darling

{1,-1,+1,-1,+1,-1...}

I should know where this goes. Ah, of all people, i should know.
Too close to see anything, don't you know? No, you have no right to look at me like that.

Moonlight and broken rays
Whispering willows bend my way
Hush hush hush she went to sleep...

Sans doute

Ah, the exam day!

Two hours until i write the french exam. Five hours until i give the math one. So what am i doing here, you wonder. I am letting my mind float before the flight, of course. Indeed i studied nothing all of yesterday. My last encounter with french was that 3-hr tryst on saturday.

Ah, that reminds me of my saturday encounter with mr jones! :-P So, here's a shout out to mr mcstudly, :-P hey love, can't wait until we go there again! World may combust, but we just have to risk it, je devine.

Hmm, i got four good luck wishes for my final, a text, an email, a call, and you know, the other kind. 'kick ass on both sides of the lectern' was the last wish. Can you tell who the wisher was? Someone who knows me better than me, mais oui! Cause that's just about what i will be doing!

Je pense.

Happy

When sun lingered to kiss the dusk goodbye
A sigh rose and filled the sky.

Un jeu du hassard

Je me sens comme si je joue un match.

Et en même temps, je me regarde jouant.

Sigh

I am dead tired. But the quarter is almost over. Just the exam week is left! Ah oui! Today's good news was that i was able to change the direction of a 2-1 vote of the comps committee thereby changing the grade of a student from C to B. Which is a big deal, cause you know, well it's the comps! Which decides whether or not one shall get that degree. I am glad that i successfully argued my case and changed the mind of the veteran member based solely on logic.

Yay! For me and the student whom i know not.

Mr. jones is in such a mood, and i know not why.

Restless

I am swamped with work, so many things to wrap up before the quarter ends tomorrow, but my heart is not in it tonight. Je ne sais pas pourquoi.

I feel so tied down. Somehow i don't think it's the amount of work. Nope, it's not about work at all! Hmm. I have been feeling lost for a few days.

Let's just babble about something, anything, so i can take my mind off of it, shall we?

It's true that i am a woman of few words, unless i am high for some reason. :-P Because of that and perhaps the weight and tone of my voice when i finally speak, contribute to people branding me as somewhat of a snob. It's unfair, but hey, whatcha gonna do? Anyway, by now i am used to it, and have accepted it as my perceived version. Unless you say it to my face.

So yeah, we were writing our evaluations in french class and prof has left, so there was a sort of discussion going on, with girl L asking me for my phone number; as according to L, i am one très bonne étudiante, and she wanted me to be her study buddy (well, how would she know i never ever study in groups! eek, i am a loner that way). I hem and haw somewhat but we end up exchanging numbers. Well, then L asks me if i had a ph.d., and i reply in affirmative. After the usual exclamation (wow, you don't look old enough to have a ph.d.!) comes her next question, what will i be teaching and if she can take it. Given her creative writing major and the fact that i never get to teach lower division courses anymore, i politely tell her c'est pas possible, parce que je n'enseigne plus tels cours.

The boy who was so far quietly (glumly rather) seating with his leg up the table (#$@!!) turns and asks me 'So, what do you like to teach?'. I tell him, 'well, usually i teach linear algebra and numerical analysis these days but i pretty much dig any course, although i really enjoyed teaching multi-variable calculus'. I don't know why but this makes him rather agitated and he goes off on a rant about how 3-d is so much worse and unrealistic than 2-d (hello, look around, do most anything in this room look 2-d to you?); that it was kooky and that he felt he wasted his time in that class where he could have better spent his time taking sociology! WTF! Who cares!

Anyway, another discussion ensues on the usability of degrees and i kinda stop listening and concentrate on writing some comments for my prof (in french). I didn't know how to say knowledgeable (ironic, eh?) so i ask, 'hey does anyone know etc etc.'. This is followed by a chorus of wow, are you writing it in french? Um, yeah, it's french dude! While girl M opens her lil dictionary (hmm, how come everyone has one, and i don't!) and tries to offer the word, the boy goes, "why do you have to be such a perfectionist?" I ignore his comment cause i am too unsaturated to be a perfectionist. But he does not stop! "All you want is your A". Whoa? L'audace! To this i take offense so i blurt out, "You don't know what i want! A's are not what i want, A's are what i get."

After this we wrap our evaluations and M asks me where she can drop the evaluations. I say follow me as i was going that way. The boy asks M if she can advise her on something they previously talked about and M tells him to walk with us.

B: But i don't want her to hear it tho, walk slow, so she cannot hear.
I: (Ah, hello, i am right here!)
M: Why, she can offer you another perspective.
B: No, she is a conservative.
I: (nice! perceived version count n+1)
M: What are you talking about, she is so not conservative! She knows all those poems, even the ones i didn't know anything about.
B: Well, i am not so sure. I still think she is conservative.
I: (So bite me, you foolish boy!)
M: No no, she even wanted to try, you know, that day you came to class high, she asked me 'what's wrong with him' and i said you were high, so she was like, 'how does that feel, i wanna try'...

I was walking a little ahead of them, but i could hear them very well. At this point i hear a jubilant "Oh yeah?" Next moment he puts his arm around me "Oh please let me, let me take your mental virginity away! Hang with me, and soon you will be teaching poetry, you'll see!"

LOL. I give up! Only a 21 can have the courage to put their thoughts out there like that! I must say, i have to allow him some sort of point for effort!

Whatdya say, folks?

Wow, that's enough babble, i gotta get back to those comps. Ciao, a tutti!

Craig, Daniel Craig

Finally, this friday i saw it.

I love those making me sit at the edge of my seat actions. But just actions, no matter how numerous or how fantastic they are, can never, ever, make up for a lacking story line. Granted, it was more like a footnote to Casino Royale, just enough to answer a pre-posed question, with a restless 007 on a reckless rampage, but still, Nom de bleu!

That said, i am happy to have seen it. After all, it's Mr. Craig in the entirety of his steely glory. The clothes, the chases, the stance, the swagger, the stare, the sneer, the despair, the longing, down to that elaborate martini, all six of them. And no, no Ashton Martin was required. Really.

I like Mr. Craig and i cannot lie.

C'est quelqu'un

As i took my half-asleep hunt to the fridge last night, in search of some chocolate milk, i checked on ma fille comme d'habitude, and found her sound asleep on three stacks of pillows (as usual!). After removing two stacks (as usual), i returned to my room, glass of milk in hand, to the cosy invitation of my comfortable bed. It was 2:30am. Almost immediately i remembered another, one who probably still didn't make it home after closing shop at 2. Someone who is sticking it out for love in ways immeasurable.

Sigh. I wish you all the luck my dear. And if it ever comes down to fate choosing between the two of us, i hope the crown goes to you. In all sincerity.

Salut!

Bonsoir, tout le monde! Everyone alive and well? Me, i was buried under layers and layers of work, and i am just starting to come up for air. Haha, maybe i am just making it up! Maybe i am just having too much fun somewhere else. C'est possible!

Ok, silly girl, get a grip! Let's talk about the Open House last saturday. D'accord. It was fun in general. Crazy chem students burning chrysanthemums with liquid nitrogen or checking your temp with laser thingi from a distance, throngs after throngs of wide-eyed kids and entering freshmen eyeing my paper-plate fractal structures and asking how they can be made, billowing smoke from nearby burning forest covering the clear sky and causing breathing problem, wait, that one was not fun! There were four of us young profs (ok, ok, young looking, who doesn't know by the time you get your ph.d. and the job, you have kissed your twenties good-bye) and one master's student in his sixties. Invariably, all incoming questions were directed to the student. Sadly, he had beard and baldness, and we didn't. Ah, perceptions!

But mostly two things stood out. As i was chit-chatting with visitors at my booth, in came a low-talker. They do exist! Indeed i was beside myself, thinking "Wow, it is quite possible that none of those Seinfeld characters were invented!" As she spoke to me going from audible phrases to what amounted to barely lip movements, i was about to nudge my young colleague (fellow member of Dude Club) but couldn't do so without being conspicuous. But later on, we were like, "wow!".

The second one was just a realization. After spending 4 hours with my said colleague, manning our booth, discussing his escapades (he sees naked strangers on a bi-weekly basis, LOL, it's like a riddle, can you tell who they are?), and mine (how one deceptively demure Leo took on the big boys' club and gave them a taste of her wrath), i said to myself, wait a minute, he is the perfect candidate to be my man-friend! Playful, artistic, joke-ster, a connoisseur of the art of cooking. Well, truth is i did find more people like him, but every person of similar wave-length that i find, usually end up wanting to be more than my friend; like my recent plane-friend, par exemple. Which is a bloody shame, if you ask me. But somehow i think this one will stick. Yay!

I will have to admit though, when the friendship that i cherished most morphed into us (mr jones and moi) i was not the least bit sad...it was a dream come true...is still like a dream, ah oui, nous avons de la chance.

Hmm, i think i had other stuff to say, but i can't remember. I am in such a pondering mood. Thinking of my square-root, :-P sorry, private joke!

Hmm

Watching a very interesting interview with Michael Rosenblum on C-SPAN.

Getting crazy ideas!

Yep!

Dots in my life are connected. I like it like that.

His are not. That's the way he likes it.

Not in our hands. That's the way fate likes it.

(Had a great open house, but too sleepy to tell you about it.)

De rien

Mr jones seems to think i write rather well. On the rare occasions when i write to him. His exact words were, "It's like a poem, but in prose". To what avail, i wonder. Why do we write when we do write, anyway?

Sometimes i write to convey a message, or analyse a situation, which usually hit bulls-eyes. I am very good at that. ;) Sometimes i write to tug at heart-strings, which can only work si vous n'êtes pas sans coeur, no offense. Sometimes i write to find solace. And sometimes i just babble to let my thought bubbles rise.

Hard to tell which one it is tonight.

LOL. I just discovered another kind. I write when i can't sleep. Funny, haha. Not funny! I should be sleeping so i can wake up early to make that open house tomorrow. But i made the mistake of falling asleep at 9pm and here i am! Well, i was tired after a day of non-stop work and that gruelling routine at gym! :(

Without further ado, here are some unsleepy babble pour vous.

I just realized i was MIA for a whole week! Blogwise. Primarily because i am trying to ditch this virtual world and spend my time in the real world. Doing real things, You know, like in the old-fashioned way. It is hard to get a hit on my frequency, but you can't blame a girl for trying, can ya? :-P Jokes aside, i had a crazy busy week. Mr jones appeared on my radar twice and as usual end result was big fight. Sigh. I think i am getting kinda old for that.

French test was goooood...i scored 95%...whoa! No, seriously, i was so focused on the partie orale and composition that i kind of breezed through the grammar part. Which means overlooking some 's' here and there! Eeek, someone should be less cocky with her grammatical prowess, i guess and actually double check the work. A small consolation is that my prof told the prof who came to evaluate her (on wednesday) that i was her best student. And how do i know this? The said evaluator happens to be my very close friend! Imagine my surprise to find her sitting in my french class. Yeah, it was kinda awkward, i tell you!

That reminds me, the boy again came and sat right beside me. He is so breaking the one blank seat between every two persons rule. This is a class of 5 with 35 available chairs! On top of that he chided me for looking backward (at other students) when prof asked us to pair up to discuss something. "You know you don't have to look that far away, i am right here." Ah, that's precisely why! I was rescued by a third student joining the group thus unpairing us. Or was i?

Hmm, maybe i should just talk to him instead and make a friend out of him. Oui, c'est une bonne idée!

Still unsleepy. Sing me a lullaby?

Purgatory

Unsleepy. It means being too close to sleep without actually being able to sleep.

Bleugh!

C'est dommage

Waiting to exist. In what realm? Waiting to be defined. Under what transformation?

Pensive.

Spent 4 hours grading midterms at the coffee shop. Still not done, unbelievable! I do grade fast but then the boredom of repetition kinda kills me for equal or more amount of time. I would say more. I just go blank and stare at nothing, or at babies if there are any. They always stare at me too and smile. Yesterday i was waiting for my class at Y and a tiny tot came running to me and gave me his drawing. Aww...je pense que i am a babe-magnet, LOL.

If only, oh if only the world were just full of them! No hurt, no pain, just hope and wonder. No mind-games, no facades, no fear, no shame, just truth. How do such innocent babies grow up to be such complex adults, truly i know not.

Transformation, i guess.

Nevertheless, don't give up, Orpheus.

Mon président et mon petit ami

After passing a few days in happy stupor, as we are all entitled to, i am back. Thank you America (well, 52% of you!), you have restored my faith in your ability to make an intelligent choice. Coming of age in grand style, aren't we?

I wonder if people are looking at him differently, now that he has earned the coveted rank. I hear that some are. Those who branded his international exposure as lack of American-ness, or called his promises mere sound-bites are doing double-takes. Nothing in my mind has changed though. I am still in love with the President-elect the same way, the said love being a mélange of adulation, respect, faith, and a fierce loyalty. I mean how else can one look at the magnanimous Lion, you tell me? :-P Besides, the first man to take my (vote) virginity deserves that much, n'est-ce pas? LOL, sorry, just remembering a similar unabashed confession (of mr jones) in reference to Mister President, "the first man to make me feel so excited about a man!" Oh mr jones, you are such a doll! :-*:-*:-*

Ok, gushing aside, i am very excited about his journey and ours. Can't contain it within...ahhhh. We have victory party tomorrow, so i am looking forward to that.

Other than that, things have been generally good with moi. I believe i aced that french midterm, although, hmm, if prof ends up selecting my essay to read aloud, i will blush to death! It's a red-blooded (true-blue?) description of mon âme sœur! Eeek, hope she uses her judgement and leaves mine alone!

My grant got funded again despite the economic slump that eliminated the said funding for most other such proposals, i was told. I guess another victory dance is in order. That is if i am left with any energy after doing justice to all my roles. I was secretly hoping that we don't get it. Oh well!

I did do something fun though, as recent as today; spent this morning learning a new song. For a performance. There's some pressure in the sense that it's a toughy with the pitch playing peek-a-boo with the scale and beat having a mind of its own. But, j'aime les paroles, :-P...i will pretend that i am singing it to mr jones! Here's an effort at a translation...

Wake up, O lost-in-love, the time is here, to be
the serenade for the hearts two, a salute to their desire
waiting for you at the door

A fairy but waits wrapped in dew-drops of your memory
blooming wet with the first touch of morning spring
somewhere she waits

For sweet mercy, turn away from the dream
leave nights spent, behind, behind
for night and day, my love
are now to be held in the gaze of the beloved...

Yikes, think i butchered it, maybe it's better translated in french!

Here he comes!

YES! Oh yes! and yes and yes!!!

The journey only begins now. Watch us march.

Maintenant

Watching results unfold.

Wishing i were in Grant Park, Chicago.

Enfin

Election day.

Excited? Very.

Two people i know will be casting their maiden votes. Ce sont m. jones et moi.

It's 5:30pm and dark already. Day-light saving end day is always confusing.

Sorry about my last post, i was acting out. Against a certain someone. Hmm.

Unfortunately no work or study was done as i received several calls from friends and relatives leading to several chats, national and international. Then sundays are often like that. Playing catch-up. On the bright side, i did take that solitary walk on the said quaint street. It was nice. I saw sun going down and trading its bright rays for the vanilla sky. Throngs of kids coming back from the park and chanting "vote no on prop 8" followed by some funny comments (ah, sweet innocence!) and the nudging of one another. A lone man sitting at a crossing with the exact sign, sans chanting. Cars passing by, some honking, some not.

Prop 8 is probably the proposition attracting most attention here in the golden state. My quaint yet expensive neighborhood is plastered with "No on Prop 8", and i am yet to see a "yes". I will be frank and admit that i was not quite sure how to vote on that one. It was a non-issue for me. Marriage makes no sense anyway, was my thought. But as a certain someone made me see, it's not for me to decide on their behalf. The choice should be theirs who want to get married. So i will be voting No come Tuesday.

Ok. I am sorry but i can't do this! I can't be all brave and indifferent. I tried for the last few days. Not working! So i will go ahead and say it. I love him, and i always will. Is that too bad? Maybe! I am sorry. Not in my hand. No man shall ever take his place, no one can ever come close. Not because of my bias toward him, but because of my bias toward what he stands for. He may be young in calendar years, but count that integrity, intellect, empathy and add on that intensity, and you will be hard-pressed to come up with a man like that. So those of you trying to make me forget him can shut up now!

There you have it mr. jones. Can you stop me from moving on, but with you?

Quantum of Solace

The dark clouds are gone, but left behind an ambiance. A cloud-touched sun. A mountain buried under bubbles of white cotton. Almost liquid air nimble enough to caress you. Thinking of a walk along the quaint street not too far from here.

I wonder if that's sad. Maybe. But so are our sweetest songs. So bite me!

Am i busy? Yes, i am busy studying. And then i will work on some of my students' recos and some proposals and evaluations. But so bloody what! Better to fill the void with productivity than anything else, ahem, i mean anyone below par.

Ooh! But i definitely know what's/who's not. Two hours of Daniel Craig next Friday. Yeah baby, the wait is almost over!

Oui, il a fait

Qu'est-ce qui se passe aujourd'hui?

You tell me love.

Il a plu sur nos villes.

Yay!

Oh, it's finally raining! After 1.5 days of waiting!

I gotta go out. Now! Dont worry, i won't dance in the rain...but i will be dancing in my mind!

C'est bizarre

Articles always bothered me, i can't seem to realize their purpose.

Especially in french the nuances are more divisive, definite and indefinite along with their contextual paraphernalia.

Des affections, des concordances, des attractions...Some affection, some comforableness, some attraction...not in absolute, just part of the whole.

I understand the logic; it's just hard for me to accept. Articles are not my cup of tea. When you are an absolutist, the need to distinguish between all and some is rare.

Boo!

Last night i slept rather well. When i woke up i knew why.

It's about to rain. Everything looks so dreamy. The gray mountain that i see though my picture window appears blue now, reminding me of the far blue mountains. Oregon, here i come!

Maintenant, je vais édutier pour mon examen de français. C'est mercredi prochain. Last test i made a 96% and was very disappointed (ah, no reason to roll your eyes), primarily for my below par listening skill. Interestingly, i find that deciphering the accents becomes easier when two men are speaking. Hopefully this time we will get men!

It's Halloween week and there are several parties going on. I haven't decided whether to stay home and brood or get out and be freaky...

When you see me smile

This morning, margarita on my table was looking so pretty. It made me happy.

Few days back i realized the best way to decide if a job makes you happy is just to ask yourself this. "If i drop dead tomorrow at work would it be a job i would feel proud to have given my life to?" My answer came back "Yes". Sure, i am a person of many interests and i would like to try out other experiences, but i am settled for now.

So yeah, back to today. It was a happy day. A little bit of each, work, study and aiding others. "Abandhyam divasam kuryaat danadhyana karmabhi". The evening was no exception. Many laughs were shared at dinner with old friends. Indeed i am blessed to have so many people in my life, people that care for me, people who look up to me and people that depend on me. What will i be without you all?

Merci!

And you my dear. Mon petit roi, ma raison d'être. You who saw me sad. Saw me broken and weak, clutching my heart and braving the blows you so lovingly sent my way.

What do i say to you, mon amour chéri...

A demain

MW are killing me. Need a change of plan.

Unearthed devious admin plot...man, i am so gullible! But i will be damned if i vote against my will. Sure it's not gonna affect me per se, but that's beside the point.

Old old student came to visit, wow, time goes by so fast!

People are retiring left and right, pretty soon the dept will be full of us young faces, :-D yay, more members for The Dude Club! Today we talked about having a Hookah party. I have never smoked a Hookah, wonder how it goes, but truthfully, i am more inclined to venture upward...:-P, dude-style.

Crazy french music video we had in class today; almost 5 min long song, a mix of genres pop, hip-hop etc. etc. By that i mean sexual encounters of the french kind. lol. Why is it that they know how to carry it out so convincingly, i know not! Oh, nothing carnal about it, just at a whole other level. You know like when you add that master organ to the ensemble, ah, i forget, what is it again, oh yeah right, the brain!

I have a message for mr. jones. Had it for him when i woke up, but forgot to pass it on. But it's kinda late now. Maybe tomorrow.

Cet après-midi

Made it late to french class, sat in the back. All by myself. Avoided empty seats in the first row. Eye contacts were avoided as well.

So far so good.

DWTS recap

The old lady has left the floor. Awww...i will miss her spunk!

Can't decide between Lance and Cody. Lance is such a joy to watch, then Cody has that vulnerable charm of boy-man coming out of his cocoon, hmm, i am lost! I start voting from next week, guess i will figure it out by then.

I do hope that Len comes back next week. Michael Flatley (bless him for all that he has created), is just too darn easy to please. Cool new dance though! Wonder if that fire was real.

Nah!

I think my sleeping trouble is getting worse. Hovering around that dangerous edge. Sigh. Not in my hand. Pas vraiment.

Le lundi passé

Tra-la-la...one week until the vote.

I am all ready with my Obama t-shirt and matching enthusiasm, er, i mean, Biden pants. lol. Ah, Joe, don't worry, i get you! Hmm...there might be a long line at the poll, and i did toy with the idea of an absentee ballot, but nay, for him i shall brave the line!

O-bama, O-bama, O-bama!!!

I wonder if i can influence my students. I will try tomorrow.

Some KKK members were plotting to assasinate the magnanimous lion. Indeed i anticipated that those small-minded folks (ah and likely with that matching small other body-part, lol, ahem, per Freud) might try to be stupid. Come on, don't be so predictable! Do something more radical, like, get a job maybe!!! Christ!

Ah, that reminds me of the lone boy in my french class, in a good way. Yesterday he came and sat next to me, i dunno why. The class was empty and there were 30 other chairs. Wait! Or maybe that's why! Boy, am i slow or what! Anyway, he strikes up a conversation of this and that (he's got one of those sweet-ass European accents and by now i know he writes poetry) and i am not asocial so i partake in the convo. Prof comes in after 10 min and class starts. During our customary chats we find out he is actually an engineering major. Say what! Score! By that i mean i dig such contradictions.

I was thinking how i was envious of his little English-French dictionary (primarily because i won't be able to read it, lol) when he asks me if i like chocolate and gives me four smarties, all green. Followed by an exclamation, "wow, you got all my greens!" (um, he is 21, so it's understandable) I ask him if he wants them back, but he says it's ok. I accept this reluctantly as i know that's probably all he has to eat between the three back-to-back classes (all literature and language!) he takes on mondays. I get up to get rid of my chewing gum, and secretly offer some green smarties to the other girl. She smiles and says no.

I was completely immersed in what prof was saying when i felt a tap on my shoulder, " levez le main" he was saying, as he gave me his last smarties. I almost jumped back. "Don't touch me, boy! I am but a live wire and will break you in two if you let me so much as pass through!" Said i in my mind. But for the rest of the class i sort of turned myself away from him, sat askance and remained quiet.

I don't think i did anything to provoke his said behavior but i will be even more reserved tomorrow.

On my veranda

Bleeding heart vine looks wilted. Perhaps it's time to water it.

Just saying.

Please

Make it go away.

Ce vendredi

Sometimes i hate fridays. It's a running errands day for me, in part. But i particularly disliked it today as i attended to the two legal tasks that i have undertaken this year; that began some time in the summer and continue to annoy me with their never-ending procedural appendages. Bleugh!

Together, the two signify an end and a beginning, respectively. Ah, but hidden within themselves they carry a beginning and an end. Indeed it is a duality, n'est-ce pas? Life, if you ask me, is rarely discrete. Can there be a beginning without an end, or an end without a beginning? Eh?

Today i found an old picture that i bought at a fair a long time ago. It's a black and white photograph of a young couple. I always hoped to frame it someday. The day when i would find the one who understands the picture comme moi.

Guess it's time to find that frame.

Moi

Heureuse. Like never before.

Avec toi. Yes, you, my love.

Ici. And everywhere.

Ce moment. And always.

Qui sait ce qui sera demain? Moments are all we have.

D'accord?

A moment of realization can last a lifetime.

I have to write about love and disappointments, fate and her quirky twists for my next french critique, in about half an hour from now.

What shall i write? Who will be writing it? L or R? I wonder.

La semaine qui était

R: The Leo went underground, and took me down too. Sheesh, so what if i cried in public, it's my blog and i would cry if i wanna!
L: (snicker) Oh yeah, shed, shed, after all it's just helpless powerless useless meaningless reasonless reckless droplets of water.
R: One day your pride will get the better of you.
L: Spare me your advices. You are nothing but a figment of my existence, and so shall you remain.

Libérez

Fall is finally here, beautiful and crisp. Maple trees are starting to show the first touch of cold. Soon the leaves will be strewn around the ground, while some runaway ones will choose to adorn the massive iron gate, playfully. Makes me want to walk endless with no destination.

Obama-Biden signs are popping up all around my neighborhood making me proud of its members' cognitive status, in addition to its quaint charm i was already enamored with. Sly fox has the tough task of exciting his supporters without inciting them. Good luck, borrow some brains. Sorry, not feeling particularly generous today, not to him at least.

I have chanced upon an Orpheus. His refrain put mine to shame and i let Eurydice go. Since then i have come to question the depth of my pain. Looking back i realized, never have i allowed pain to break me in two, stop me dead in my track. Instead i stiffened my jaws in silent resolve, held my head more erect and chin higher, went about doing everything that i was supposed to do. Fiercer, just so i could not hear my own thoughts.

What does it mean? Do i consider the display of pain a weakness? Now that will be duplicitous given the fact i consider it as one of the purest forms of human emotion. I am sincerely lost.

But here's to Orpheus, here's to liberation, let your strings play your pain, heart to fingers, fingers to strings, strings to notes, notes to her...

Let it rain.

Windy night

Well well, er what!

John Stossel pleads to so-called uneducated folks to not vote and leave that rather serious decision in the hands, er, minds of ones who are in possesion of complex thoughts and analytical power. Hemingway to Fitzgerald, "Shame on you, Scott, novels are not your sounding boards!"

Sly fox backs up magnanimous lion at his rally of like minded (read lacking mind) followers. I am not buying it right now, but i may feel duly touched at a later time. lol

Palin's found guilty of abusing her office. Er, boring!

Darn! Just when i was getting into a groove with my nightly news!

Still waiting to find out if i need to stow my money away underneath the mattress. Hola G-7 and G-20, hurry up and make up your minds. Infuse, transfuse, refuse if you have to, but stop confusing us!

Regardant

Surprisingly i got a lot done today including a long tête-a-tête with an old friend.

Presently watching sand falling. Not feeling so swell.

Ah, please don't worry about me, friends who read this blog. Leo is one tough animal.

And as for the ones (or is it only one) who got to see me broken, well, i consider those of you damn lucky! Then again, malheureusement cher ami... Lady Luck, unlike a Leo, is rarely loyal, if ever. So enjoy while you can!

Vent, vent!

A crazy week is ahead of me. Between the waves that are the meetings, tending to RFPs, advising, evaluating, teaching, french test and that big job-related decision that i have been avoiding, i wonder what will serve as my life-line. Ah, none of the above!

I have some general idea who/what can, but not like it's in my hand! Que dites-vous, mr jones? Wanna lend me a hand, pull me up and carry me around? ;;)

Maintenant, i have to study for my french test and grade my students' midterms. Oh yeah, i have to feed myself too so perhaps hit the grocery store (i dunno about you, but i can only take take-outs for so long!) and laver mes vêtements aussi! Hmm, i do have some other errands to run, and reco. letters and such to write, but we will see about that.

Eeek!

Le sablier

Vous me manquez.
Ce soir, chaque soir, chaque jour, toujours.

Ne vous inquiétez pas, je ferai que vous voulez, mais je vous promets mon chéri,

Malgré la peur de se brûler les ailes
Malgré la peur de retomber du ciel
Tant qu'il y aura dans nos coœrs une
Je te serai fidèle.

Bah, Leo!

I really don't have time to blog now, as i need to rush out very soon to make my various meetings, but i am sneaking in an entry anyway!

After the tumultuous tuesday the sea appears calm and the current connecting us ever stronger. Oh, how i hope to cross the sea and be with him! But sometimes i wonder if i am worthy. How can i tell, really? And i want to do right by him. That's exactly how he feels. Ironic, n'est-ce pas? Reminds me of O. Henry classic The Gift of the Magi, of Jim and Della Dillingham, ah sweet love, sweet mercy!

I have not been feeling well of late, guess i am trying to do everything and sleeping less, eating at crazy hours etc., but the very high compliments on my french analysis and composition devoirs is reason enough to keep at it, je pense. :-P

There goes the Leo again!

Etre

They looked at each other across the distance, invisible, for a very long time.

Just being.

Bon Voyage!

Eurydice no longer waits à la porte bleue.

Bon voyage au-dessus du nuages!

:)

Manic Monday

Wow, i am completely wiped out after that 12 hour non-stop day! Well, guess i asked for it!

On the plus side it does feel like i am a second year french student now. Ah, c'est bon, mon amie! Also we are dealing with controversial topics, unlike in math. :-P ...hehe. Melikes.

And about that stupid suicide-murder spectacle being projected as a bailout due to bailout, ok! Stop already, don't generate ideas, folks! Tough it up, sheesh, it was just a single act done by some thoughtless man.

Wonder what's gonna happen on the debate tomorrow. I can't stand to look at the sly fox and his malice-distorted facade. Ahhhghhgh! Hmm...if only i can somehow get him to that sacred sand spot, hmm...getting him to lie won't be a trouble at all.

And then you know what happens! Ooops, guess it was just gravity!

Bonjour!

It was a night dreams are made of, wasn't it mr jones?

Merci, merci, merci!

Seriously!

Go ahead, use your dirty baseless smear tactics, not like you are expected to use your brain, you fucking low-life stupid hick! Now see, that was not nice, you made me swear! But by Jove! That felt good! lol

But seriously, do you really think you would succeed where Hillary didn't? I mean, c'mon sweetie, give it a rest. Go home and breed or whatever it is that you do up there!

Seriously!

Pourquoi

Praying with all my might, for a manic monday.

Mindless toil, oh just make me numb! Take my consciousness and render me the bliss of void.

Pourquoi, mon chéri, mon petit roi, dis-moi, pourquoi tu es triste?

Hmm

I was rather restless last night. Thoughts can be like wild horses at times, n'est-ce pas, all you can do is just kind of hang in there, and brace yourself for a ride tumultuous.

So yeah, i am a bit bruised as a result.

Today i decided to keep myself busy with various types of school-work, a little bit of this and a little bit of that. At times like this i am thankful for my highly demanding job. Mother Nature was of no help. It was a rather gloomy day with sporadic drizzles and a sappy sky. Blah!

Hmm, i could have been socializing and enjoying good food right about now, but i turned down a dinner invite for tonight. Perhaps i am brooding.

Ahem, perhaps? LOL.

Say whatever L, i don't care. I will be fine. We will be fine. You'll see, my friend.

Vendredi dernier

Last Friday mr. jones and i got hitched.

No, there were no guests. Or any extravagant flower arrangements for that matter. It was just us. Us two and the officiating one. Of course we eloped. How else could it be? Indeed it was all his doing, i cannot take any credit. All i can say that i was taken by surprise.

It was an interesting Friday. I must say.

By now it's a blur, malheureusement. Then such memories always are. Oh yeah, i do remember stopping the officiator during the service...as he uttered the words "...lawfully wedded husband"..."No", said i. "I take this man, period." The old guy looked bewildered, et il a continué de nouveau, "Repeat after me...". And then it was done! There we were, looking at each other nervously and eyes twinkling in mischievous triumph all at once.

How was it?

La terre a tremblé comme nous avons marché sur elle
L'air a frissonné dès le contact
Les nuages ont explosé en pur agonie
Et le ciel s'est étendu sans fin pour contenir le vol montant.

C'est un rêve incroyable, n'est-ce pas? Vous me connaissez bien, je ne fais confiance pas en mariage. Pas du tout! Comment cette pensée est entrée dans mon rêve?

Ca me dépasse.

Six, er, five feet under

When the bar is set this low one can make do with a moving tongue and pair of legs. Sense of direction and comprehension of questions are not required.

After all the brain is highly over-rated. Ain't it? Whatdoya say, Six-pack Joes and Hockey Moms out there? Are you with me?

Jokes aside, Palin has dug McCain's grave. Well done!

A caller from NY is tearing her apart on C-SPAN as i write...

Shoot that arrow

Hmm...the sly old fox changed his mind. Well, there's a reason i call him sly.

Thinking about the debate. The lion should stop being magnanimous and beat the fox in his own game. Yes the fox is old and frail, but he is not on the side of truth. Go for him, magnanimous lion, tear him apart and only then the judgement will be served!

Today was the first time i saw Biden speak. Oh my! Now there's an old man i could dig! So much so that I am reminded of the first epic battle scene of Bhagabad Gita. A pensive young warrior Arjuna and his wise charioteer guide Lord Krishna. What a pair!

Oh Palin, why send old Rudy? Haven't memorized all the countries of the world yet i suppose, tsk-tsk...what have you gotten yourself into, lil girl?

Well i can't wait for Oct. 2. Here's a question from Stephen Colbert.

"Senator Biden, please discuss the resurgence of Taliban Militias in Afghanistan's Bajaur region; Governor Palin, please spell 'region' "

LOL.

The sand land fable update

The sly fox is backing out from the verbal duel with the magnanimous lion.

The red riding hood had but what can be called an overall non-effect on the subjects of the land. The non-cognizant supporters of the fox were drawn in, while the cognizant ones backed out. I use the word cognizant so as to not to offend the collective intelligence of fox supporters. LOL

Bleugh!

Jet lag sucks!

Feeling scattered.

An ode to a stranger

It has been some time since i have been here, hasn't it? Missed me?

I am back home after 23 hours of plane ride and my apartment seems so tiny. And empty. Devoid of sounds and people, ah, how stale! Well, school starts on monday and i won't have much time to brood. Saved by the bell i will! Ahem, the commencing one.

On the plus side of the terrible ride was that i made a friend. On the plane. So the last 13 hours were quite enjoyable. A nice gentleman let us switch seats with him so we could discuss everything from Maupassant to Marijuana, interlaced with Gödel, Panpsychism, Camus and The Big Lebowski. Lol. I am impressed, really! Who knew that an engineering student at the top school of the country was capable of such depth and yearning to learn? Kudos, my dear. Between our discussion of Gödel's refutation to Einstein's (mis)use of time as coordinate, and C. G. Jung's collective unconscious theory and its impact on Freud's, he enlightened me about the exact effects of the psychedelic drugs on our minds! Contradictions are oh so sexy, don't you think? Doesn't hurt that he is an even bigger fan of The Dude! I mean the man owns a copy!

So we made a deal to watch The Big Lebowski, um, sans the personal conscious, lol. Should be interesting. And, yeah, in return he asked me to explain Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem to him, that is when i get a handle on it (Well, this leo had been lazy and didn't go to the library as she thought at the time!)

Then i slept and he let me sprawl over the empty seat between us while he stayed up the whole time. I think i kinda liked that. And then he fell asleep right before the plane was about to land. I couldn't help but watch him sleep, just for a moment. He had such delicate features of perfect proportions. As if the creator put down his chisel on a momentary whim, and picked up a brush to paint instead.

Yes, we have a kinship. We are alike. Eh, i dunno what it means. I don't want to think about it.

Something interesting he said. Words can be dressed, feelings never are.

Earlier, when i was about to fall asleep i found him looking at me, hand on cheek, just staring.

I: What's on your mind?

He: If i tell you, i will be really embarrassed.

I: Then make something up!

He: Ah, no. I will just tell you something else instead.

I can't tell you what he said. Even though he dressed his feelings up in words.

Aujourd'hui

N'oubliez pas les espoirs perdus...

The sand land fable

Once upon an enchanting time in the sand land of red and blue there roamed a sly old fox and a magnanimous lion. This land of sand sported a special spot. The sacred sand. It was special because if one lied standing on the sacred sand it would turn into quicksand. What's more, it was not static. Every time it took a liar down, the spot changed its coordinates. No one could tell where this new spot would be. Thus the animals were afraid to lie, unless they were very near the ocean, for one could always jump in the water if they felt the sand moving underneath their feet.

The sly old fox grew tired of telling the truth, for he was one prone to lie. Indeed his fur turned all white from this strenuous effort. But the magnanimous lion had no difficulty at all. He basked in the glory of truth and became even more magnanimous. Consequently the other animals doted on him and felt protected near him. They showered him with gifts and affection and treated him like their king.

This bothered the fox to no end. He recruited a few like minded animals to create a trap of sort that gives the effect of sinking sand under the weight of a heavier animal, say, something like a lion. The fox thought if he could get the magnanimous lion on the spot and make him sink, he could kill him and his reputation. Alas, one of the lion's followers got wind of this trap and fox's plan backfired. The sand land animals never quite liked the fox but now they were losing their faith in his cunning capacities.

Mortified, the sly fox sought help from the Red Riding Hood. By now she was living in a house over the hill with five of her children and grew to be weary of the world. She has lost all her childhood charm and become quite a stern and worldly woman. So she saw no harm in striking a deal with this one time enemy of hers.

The sand land animals were not aware of her evolved nature. So they cheered, somewhat bewildered, at the sight of their once favorite little girl returning hand in hand with the sly old fox. The fox pretended to be magnanimous, and tried to sport the gait of a lion as he entered the sand land with Red Riding Hood in tow.

(to be cont'd)

A tear and a chuckle

It's autumn already, judging from the clear bright sky and the shower-torn clouds. Time goes by real slow here, for me that is. I just read and sleep, listen to the rain and thunders, birds' chirping and the usual hustle-bustle of a metropolis. At times i feel like a princess lost in a castle, wandering in rooms after rooms, all empty, looking for a fellow soul. Looking for someone i can't find. At times i loiter on the rooftop and wonder, if i should go up the spiral staircase and visit the little roof at level 4.5. I haven't yet.

But my time here is almost up. I am leaving in a week.

Looking forward to busy school days. We are in for lots of changes, and the coming years are gonna be crucial. Ah, do keep busy, c'est une bonne ordonnance pour le cœur brisé! Oh c'mon, you don't mean that! Okay, i am joking, see my smiling face :-) ...? There!

Et toi?

There is someone i want to write about. But i am not ready for that yet.

This someone is very different than me. Indeed. Age, status, education, views, perhaps even taste, all visible threads are missing from this connection. But that night, that undeniable night, i felt an inherent connection, invisible link, threading us thus. One that can't be torn apart, for it does not exist.

Perhaps someday? When the moon won't shine and the waves will be dark. I shall write about him then.

Once on one of those girls' nights out, amidst blazing music and shared frenzy, i had to write down on a dinner napkin - the description of my preferred man. I described him with three adjectives. ICE for short. Intense, caring and, wait, what was the third one again? LOL, you figure it out, it starts with an E! We had to then add our pluses. My pluses were athletic, intelligent, funny, and not a fussy eater (can't have two fussy eaters in one house, now can we?). Anyway, long story short, it was an interesting smorgasbord of what women want, although two amongst the four of us were already hitched. Well, boo-hoo for them! I am joking of course, don't take me so literally!

Having said all that, for me, it doesn't really matter. When i see water i like, i jump head-first. I could potentially hurt myself if the water is shallow, but so what? I am a dreamer. I will never be a pragmatist. Measured steps are not for me. You may call me conceited, philosophical, self-righteous and what-not, it's not gonna change me.

I am happy in my fiber.

Swear

I got one hour to kill before dinner, i suppose i could read some more, but i am here so what the heck. I'll blog.

What a day! lol, no, you don't need to know any more. Puts a roller-coaster to shame. Feels like i am stuck in a dream labyrinth, mesmerized and motionless.

"O day and night, but this is wondrous strange!"

What do i make of it?

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy; but come
Here as before, never, so help you mercy..."

Elle (R) réfute

R: in his defense, he was just a boy.

L: LOL. with that defense you better start looking for another profession!

R: (sigh) you don't understand.

L: no, it's crystal-clear actually, you have been had my dear, admit it!

R: if we start to linearize things the way you do, we stand to miss the most complex points.

L: hmm.

R: you see?

L: eh, i dunno.

R: eh? is that an admission of your ignorance? am i dreaming?

L: and you are being sarcastic? you? the noble R?

R: okay, i apologize. but my point is that it's not always possible to know the truth, on ne sait pas, on connait avec les temps et le désir de comprendre.

L: and you are privy to that i suppose? do enlighten me!

R: (sigh) must you always be sarcastic?

L: sorry, old habit et cetera, do go on.

R: il m'aime, mais il ne connait pas encore, que à faire avec cela. parce que il est très jeune, et il a peur.

L: ah! une observation très interresante, mon amie! and how did you arrive at this conclusion, may i ask?

R: no, you may not. some answers are only to be found.

L: d'accord.

R: ah, bon, L.

Merci

I am free.

Enfin!

Dream on!

I was blog-hopping and came across one of those stay-at-home mom blogs. Ugh! Oops, did i say that aloud? Ah oui! Sorry dearie, love your descriptions of things that you do all day, but you know what, working moms do all those and then some. And while it's all well and dandy that you teach your children the value of dear God, je pense que you'd do them a bigger favor if you can teach them how not to be a bigot like you!

Man, these women make me wanna throw up!
Ugh, i might need a shower just to shake off that feeling!

And oh yeah, pray for Palin with all your racist might,
but it ain't gonna happen sweetheart!

(p.s. Needless to say, the above outburst was caused by the brain-deficient remarks of one sanctimonious stay-at-home mom; remarks that judge working moms and sport political views based on color)

Flower in the sky

Lil' rose bud
Heart drenched in blood
Through her pain she pondered

My oh my
How thorns go awry

If i try
And close my eyes
Shall i be
Will i be
A flower in the sky she wondered.

Elle (L) Dit

Comment ça va, chère R? Tu es contente, mon amie?

What? No, that's not a smirk obviously! I don't rejoice in your pain, so don't look at me that way. I let you be, did i not? I made myself scarce so you can soar, to the point when i was beginning to question my own existence. But then you began to question! Mon dieu! Je domine enfin!

Sorry love, a fait tu penses que t'avais une chance? Contre moi?

And no, i assure you i take no pleasure in my victory. To tell you the truth, i feel a certain sadness. Ah, you and mr jones, you two, what can i say, you worried me more than your share. But i could have told you, cela ne devait pas arriver!

Let me be then. Now.

No can do

Since yesterday, i have been in charge of the fort. Last night i closed thousand doors and four thousand windows. I even strategically arranged the lights and the windows to remain open so as to give the enemy the impression of a fort manned to its brink. I was supposed to take a round at the dong of 3 but somehow i missed it and took it at 4. No harm done, fort was not invaded.

In the morning i woke myself up before six. I was annoyed to discover that the keys went missing until i located them only to entertain myself to the following pleasurable tasks. I opened four thousand windows and one thousand doors. But somehow i was MIA at the main gate and it remained unopened at the right moment, so now the scullery maids are MIA.

Oh well! In my defense, i am new to this, heck i will always be new to this! Don't expect me to get up early and be coherent. Actually, don't expect me to adhere to structures, for i have too much character to fall prey to any.

So there!

Living aloft, within and without

Restless.

Cruelty is almost always a result of ignorance. Unbeknownst to them, ignorant people partake in cruel acts. Indeed.

"Maybe people are just very adaptable." To what avail? Tell me?

Do our lies define us more than our truths? For we define our lies whereas our truths define us? Or is it the other way around?

I forget what i want to say. Let's digress voluntarily. Let's discuss Camus.

Okay. First of all i will admit that i was fooled. It's the longest monologue i ever read, and went dizzy trying to understand the contradictory statements; until i realized that i have been had, much like Clamence's companions. With that admission out of my way, cher ami, i will secondly admit that i am guilty of many of the thoughts. But i do not feel guilty for having any of them.

"I protest against the rise of the victimhood and i sincerely pity the able weak. I have been even called an elitist. And guess what, mon cher, i take pride in that! I detach myself from the task i am truly immersed in, for nothing really matters. And i do it à plusieurs reprises just to see if they can catch my wiles. Ah, but they praise me instead, my tireless dedication and my ever so fierce leaderhsip! Can you beleive it, cher monsieur?

And i never jump in the cold water to rescue my soul. For i soar as i drown. Fortunately! "

LOL. That was me confiding in Clamence, giving in to his hidden invitation, at the same time defying his premise altogether. It's dubious, you see.

It's a treat indeed, indulgence rather, to see things in such dual light. From harmony springs forth chaos, the desire to enslave turns into a yearning for submission, truth, "the colossal bore" metamorphoses into lies ever so interesting. Ah, i should have known, the hyphen!
Judge-penitent as he claimed. A mon avis, it's all in those two words, and the hyphen that connects that contradiction.

It's all very clear now. As i said, i have been had. But that was then. And by a master plotter. I feel no shame. Really!

Mais alors

It's such a nice day weather wise. The sky is tranquil -the sun peeking through the torn clouds, the squirrels chasing after one another on the coconut trees (believe it!) ; even the crows' cawing seems to be blending in. Such is the day, comme du cristal, transparent in ambiance, cool in touch.

Mais alors, pourquoi elle est triste aujourd'hui?

Oh do you?

I finished The Fall last afternoon. I was laying on my tummy as i finished the last page. I rolled over and let out a profound 'hmm!' What a sneaky bastard, that Camus! LOL, i say that with much love, comme les visiteurs de George (Seinfeld) ...

Oh, i have much to say on that but i gotta run, i hear thunder, ah sweet storm is on its way!

Hmm

We are expecting some political unrest today, so it's not just another manic Monday. Consequently no outings today which suits me just fine, parce que i have been sick since yesterday! Bleugh!

I am not bed-ridden obviously since i am here :-D, but spending a lot of time there too, sur mon lit confortable, looking outta window at des arbres cocotiers. That gives me an opportunity to catch up on my reading, and i am hopeful that i will finish Camus today. Took me two continents and some days, but it's not one of your regular books. One must read and ponder. At this point i am pondering about what his battle is. Hmm. To be an Aristocrat or not to be an Aristocrat? Peut-être! Pas peut-être! I will have to ponder more.

I have been put on a gluten-free casein-free diet, which means half of my yumm food are gone. Now that blows!

Afternoon lull

Everything quiets down right about this time. And then it's business as usual. Yesterday we went to the rooftop to see the setting sun. It was lovely indeed. Vanilla sky, adorned with runaway kites and flocks of birds nest bound. I took some attempts at yoga but hey, the breeze was listless and so was i.

Someday i will take mr jones up there , il y a deux petites chambres sur le toit, but he says one will probably suffice. :-P

Sigh.

The coconut tree

The first things i see when i wake up these days are the blue sky and the tall coconut trees awash with nocturnal rain. It's one of my favorite scenes. Hmm, i think i formed a thing for the coconut trees at an early age when i read the following poem:

The coconut tree
Standing on its solitary leg
Towers over the others

It peeks into the sky
And wonders
One day i shall fly away altogether
Piercing the dark cloud

But alas
Where shall i find my wings.

And i would recite it over and over stressing on the sixth line. Hmm. Children are odd, n'est-ce pas?

Anywho, i peeked into my next book, This Side of Paradise, by Fitzgerald and feeling quite like the coconut tree. Perhaps i will start it tomorrow.

Je ne sais pas c'est quoi

It rained all last night, thunder and all. Consequently the weather is happy as a bride at the dawn, all doe-eyed and complacent, bruise marks here and there notwithstanding complacent. Now that makes me happy!

I had about 5 hours of sleep but feeling cool after yoga, shower and some delicious breakfast, if not calm and collected. I have been put in charge of some paperwork, and hello! Who here doesn't know that i hate paperwork! Hmm, we shall see about that. I think i will be sneaky and use my pick between two tasks trick! This rigmarole at hand makes me think of our perpetual desire to possess and how debilitating that can be in the long run. Let us all practise some detachment, shall we?

I feel bad about my infrequent posts and i promise to take the count up to 15 for August, just cause! :) What can i say, i have not much to vent about, it's summer time after all. But i already have an inkling as to how my next year is going to be. Ah, busy! I have been asked to consider a position, which if accepted will eat up a lot of my time. Hmm, it better not consume my already thin teaching time man! Well, supposedly the nomination came from the provost, and really, how can i say no? LOL

Ah, now for some secret thoughts of mine! Do you see me smiling? Cause i am. Chuckling, en fait. And now i am pondering. Indeed i am lost in thoughts. C'est quoi? I dunno, ask mr. jones! :-P Or perhaps, ask last night's storm.

Flying above myself.

What sign is my card?

I am reading Albert Camus' The Fall. In short, "the refrain of I, I , I". It's all very interesting! So far, i find him delightfully honest. I will let you know my final thoughts on his refrain, but right now i am more interested to find out what happened on that fateful night that he keeps alluding to.

My journey was horrible (Damn typhoon!) that involved a cramped plane and lots of running around. Anyway, i met one interesting character, who, lol, might just be mr. jones' neighbour if i am reading my alphabets right. So, it was easier to pass 19 hours of the 23 hours of air-time just chatting about him :-P.

Maintenant, ici, i am jet-lagged and sleeping at all weird hours. But, i am doing yoga without fail, hehe, although not on the roof-top. As for the other thing we talked about, i am managing. It will never make sense, and i will never accept it, but i will deal.

Steady

I am going home today.

But you won't be there.

You won't be there to greet me at the door or raise your hands to bless me. I won't hear your exuberant voice resonating through the house conveying your new topic of interest, i won't hear your tired tiny voice asking for a blanket when you fall asleep. Coming back home in pitch-dark night i won't see you waiting for us by the end of the road with your little flash-light. No more running after us with your fruit treats, or sitting me down and making me sing your favorite songs for hours at a stretch. No more. Your mansion of a house will stare at me with its numerous empty rooms, finished and unfinished, your little writing desk will still be sitting by the door, the clocks will be ticking as before.

There will be tears to greet me. But i will be strong.

For now, just for now, let me be weak for now. And let me ask you for strength. For i feel dead inside.

Aussi bien

Seconds turn into minutes, minutes turn into hours, hours turn into days...days blend in with one another until they become indistinguishable...

Nights smile, knowing it all along.

Never mind, never mind, never mind!

Et je pense... qu'est-ce que je pense?

Et toi?

Que penses-tu, que penses-tu, que penses-tu?

Ah sweet R, noble R, silly R... Que penses-tu, mon amie confiante? On que espére...Ah espoir, c'est une belle illusion...une amie inconstante, je le connais bien.

Ah, oui.

(Something's the matter, dunno what)

Comment ça va?

Moi, je suis triste aujourd'hui. Quelque peu. Mais je ne sais pas pourquoi. C'est vrai que monsieur jones fait une voyage maintenant, et il me manque, mais cette n'est pas la raison, pas vraiment.

Je pense que ma vie a devenue, ah, comme le dit, cela m'a quelque peu déçu. Je dois retourner à mon sanctuaire de maths. C'est là où je trouve ma paix. Et quelquefois seulement là.

Technology!

It was a laborious and painful endeavour. I am dizzy and my shoulder hurts from all the clicking. But finally i am spam free! This afternoon i finished scanning through and deleting the 4000 spam emails that landed in my work mailbox within the matter of an hour or two. ITS was no help and in fact confessed that the hackers are continually outsmarting them.

Damn hackers! Get a real job! If you have to grow weeds, then have the chops to grow the real ones, man! And not in my inbox either!!!

Define not

Is it too early in the morning to talk about love? Je ne sais pas! But i need to let the thought bubbles rise, so there!

What about it? Hmm. If i just go ahead and tell all, you may just wanna recoil from the sheer mush-factor, lol, primarily, cause it ain't yours. Perhaps you will also be a little green, actually a lot green, :-P, cause baby, it ain't yours! So i shall guise it in an objective sheath and propose to you instead.

Is love an addiction?

So croons Carla Bruni, la première dame de la France, in her newly out album quelq'un m'a dit comparing Nicolas Sarkozy (we hope) with the Columbian White. Okay, there is an image that i didn't need to have! But i digress.

I say not. One can and do get high on love. But it's not a sufficient descriptor. Sure, if what you are thinking of as love makes you a weaker person than you are, yet you can't give it up, it is an addiction. It is also most likely an infatuation. Get over it.

Is love a disease?

Ah! One can catch a disease, or be predisposed to it genetically. Indeed studies are beginning to associate addiction with a genetic predisposition. Either way, a virile disease will likely make you weaker if it doesn't kill you. Sorry, That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger does not apply here.

No, love is not a disease. You may feel blue and torn apart by love, much like being ravaged by some strong disease. But the symptom alone is not sufficient to encapsulate love.

Is love an euphoria?

This actually is linked to the first one, of course without the negative connotation. But the sheer monotony of a continuous high urges me to rather slate it as a disease.

So no.

C'est quoi puis?

Funny thing is, i don't feel a need to define it. Which is surprising given my analytical background and my omnipresent thirst for suitable definitions. So i guess i will eat my early promise and just tell you how it makes me feel. And then you can go ahead and extrapolate your definition, that is if you are not ick-ed out by the subjective proclamations to follow. :-P

Sometimes i am high, so high that i am above myself looking down at the earthly me in sheer amazement. Is that an addiction? Perhaps. But that's not all there is. Sometimes i am lost, so lost that i feel i will never be myself again. Is that the wrath of a disease? Could be. But that's not all there is. All the time i feel stronger than i ever was before. Feels like anything can be accomplished. Is that euphoria? Perhaps. But there is more.

As if someone has added a whole new dimension to my existence. I see things more clearly now. I understand. Through the fog that are the addiction, malady and elation, i am capable to see what's behind the paradox.

But i can't tell you in so many words. It is for one to experience.

Yay!

Well, i am kinda sleepy so this won't take long.

I will just say one thing. I won the Trial by Written Declaration!!!

Yippe-ki-ye *&^%$#$$% officer-on-bike, you lose! Vindication, baby!

Long live the pen!

Le zéphyr d'été

It was a scorching hot August day. But with the setting sun in came a beautiful breeze; all of a sudden in the most unpredictable fashion! Oh my! Perhaps it has lost its way! Its cool and soothing touch is making me homesick.

Oh, how i yearn for some summer rain!

Mountains of paperwork that came yesterday now lie in well sorted piles. I think i have tamed the beast, well, at least the deciphering part. Now for the application. Lol. Yep, i could easily see myself as a lawyer.

Oh man, this breeze is making me crazy with its sweet nimble touch, i would really like to enjoy it with someone special. Boo-hoo i can't. Darn distance!

Sigh. Perhaps i shall go for a walk.

La brise est très belle, mais je me sens seule et triste. :(

Une question

This morning i felt a certain need of order in my runaway summer schedule, so i allotted 4 to 5 pm for yoga (in my invisible calendar) among other things. However, as one can see, i am here instead. Well, what can i say, i would do anything to find an excuse for not doing yoga, hehe :) But, but, it's so constant, and i am so impatient, it's not a good combination, not really! Hmm, having said that, in a few weeks i would be traveling abroad and yoga will be my only form of exercise so i think i can cut myself some slack. Je dis! Ohm...on a pristine rooftop in the land of yoga as sun comes up, i bend in sun salutation and inhale the fresh morning air... lol, yeah right! When do i ever see mr. sun come up? Je te demande!

My french is progressing nicely, almost done with the third chapter. I have also started to watch des films en français, as the whole second year will be based on studying french films of various genres. Oh, je ne peux pas attendre!

I have been pondering about a somewhat serious but ubiquitous question. Why is it so hard for the children to perceive their parents as human beings (with normal human tendencies and inclinations, by which i mean romantic and/or sexual urges, lol)? The very existence of a child is rooted in a particular human attribute, the very attribute whose existence they would like to deny. Ironic, or simply ostrich like? A contextual discrimination practised by the best of the people irrespective of their age, creed or background. Pourquoi?

Francesca (Bridges of the Madison County) simply shrugs it off by saying "I know children have a tendency to think of their parents as rather asexual" which precedes her unabashed depiction of her affair with Kincaid in a letter to her children. An affair she thought of as "too strong, too beautiful" to die with her.

Indeed i do not know of any answer to this question of mine. At either end of the human spectrum. But i will be damned if i let it rule my feelings or my actions.

"But here there is no light"

It came as no surprise to me that the original title of Tender is the night was Richard Diver, a Romance. Granted, Keat's beautiful words do justice to the human conflicts so hauntingly painted by Fitzgerald,

"...tender is the night,
And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,
Cluster'd around by all her starry Fays;
But here there is no light"

Yet the fact remains that it was his conflict. Dick Diver's.

I have to be honest, i was not enamored by the first part of the novel. Pas vraiment. It seemed like a rigmarole of loosely wound characters and the insight was lost in the details. Between Rosemary's childish advances, McKisco's self-pity, Abe North's death wish and Collis Clay's banal existence, i was beginning to summon up my reading mode à la feuielleter. Tommy Barban on the other hand was noteworthy with his almost naive courage and french aloofness and piqued my interest. Indeed he proved me right in the end with his assessment of Nicole's diagnosis as he looked down upon the profession of psychiatry as "bullying" or "taming of women".

"Why wouldn't they leave you in your natural state?" Barban demanded. "You are the most dramatic person i have ever known". This statement gave me pause. A real long one. And i wondered if Dick Diver ever understood Nicole the way Tommy Barban did.

Dick did love Nicole in his own way, yet at the same time dissecting her and lamenting her schizophrénie equally with a clinical dexterity and despair. "A wave of agony went over him. It was awful that such a fine tower should not be erected, only suspended, suspended from him". He guarded her from herself and the world, guarded the children and the world from her, even made some attempts at guarding his intelligence and professional equanimity, but he could not guard himself.

"But here there is no light."

I read the second and the third part with much amazement as i watched his beautiful character disintegrate at the alter of Nicole. The weight of the fine tower took its toll. Divorced at the end of the ten year long ordeal of love, hope and despair, he and his brilliant possibilities petered out into obscurity. Into the smaller and smaller towns of New York resembling a nested encapsulation of wells with increasing depths and diminishing radii.

Which left me with this question. Is it indeed possible to love someone who is tearing you apart? I suppose one can try. One always tries.

Until they are torn apart.

Juste un autre vendredi

Started my day with paperwork. Big mistake. Darn thing made me depressed. Boo-hoo.

Finally finished Tender is the night. Eh i dunno what to say, Dr. Diver. Hmm. Need more time to expand on that hmm. Perhaps tomorrow.

McCain is making me mad with his stupid videos. Quelle enfanterie!

Ah, je veux être quelque part, très très lointain.

Yikes!

I was blogging when it happened. The earthquake.

The floor started to jiggle, windows made scary creaky noises, the glass doors of my bookshelf flung themselves open and figurines toppled on top of one another. I have to admit, i don't like it when the earth quivers. I mean come on, something must stay still, right? Anyway, i thought i should do something, like stand against a nice still structure, or dart underneath my table, but instead i went into my kitchen! I dunno why, possibly because the animated bookshelf scared me, and i had nowhere to go. Then, about a few seconds later, i realized i must protect my laptop, so i mustered up some courage (usually i am transfixed during the shakes) and closed my comp. :)

Huh! But on the flip side, i heard that some seismographic study groups would take advantage of this one to usher their earthquake (The big one) awareness campaign this year. So i guess someone is happy.

I thought i should be with people and thus went to school. There i found that my new office was already cleaned and painted! Unbelievable! I called yesterday to make sure that it happens by 31st. Our (rightfully) shocked secretary said, "This is a first, Dr. X!" Now i am strongly suspecting that someone over there has a crush on me. It is either that or my name carries more weight than i thought. haha.

Well, since life can be so unpredictably topsy-turvy, i wanted to balance it by something predictably sweet. By that i mean, young coconuts. So i went to Whole Foods. Oh! I found a bobbing baby on a cart and he was oh-so cute! I found him again upstairs, and this time he noticed me and gave the most beautiful toothless smile. My knees buckled almost. I waved at him and he kept smiling. Next i went into some stacked boxes as i steered my cart while looking backward. Eeeks! Oh man! I need a baby. Je pense. Que dites-vous, monsieur jones? :-P

When the voice of the silent touches my words

Sometimes i think words are nothing but bubbles of thoughts. Bubbles that cannot help but rise above and in doing so let you breathe. Then there are times when you are above your thoughts, and breathing becomes purfunctory; indeed you forget that you even exist. And that's when you fly.

Votre voix, yeux d'émeraudes
Sa tendit mon rêve
Et je rêve d'un voyage à la lumière
Au-dessous du nuage

Seulement se rentrer dedans.

Encore une fois

C'est le 27 juillet.

My dad asked me to call him on this day, always.

Your absent thoughts know no intention
Playing, are you
With the universe
O divine child

Allo papa, peux-tu écouter moi? Tu me manques beaucoup, toujours.

Of unstoppable forces and immovable objects

Hmm, i think i wanted to say something, wait, i can't remember what! Kinda sleepy after that long shower following the killer boot camp class, yikes...

Oh right! The Dark Knight, that's what i wanted to muse about tonight. Me and c went to see it last night and boy were we surprised to see the turnout on a Wednesday night nonetheless! Boys and men everywhere! Grumpily we settled for the fifth row seats in the front. But the film was quite satisfying. Ah oui! I am happy to report that i rather relished it barring a few overly techno intrusions (such as the sonor snooping, ahh, it made me dizzy!) and some scenes that included Chirstian Bale's unmasked face. Lol. The only time he redeemed his model walk, his expressionless face and passionless intimacy (what the hell was the let me see if i can kiss with one hand in my pocket stunt about?) was in that prison cell scene with the Joker. The scene almost gave me goosebumps, ce qui je peux dire, it was like watching a Paso Doble, and trying to decide who was the cape and and who was the bullfighter. Yumm!

Loved the script and the storyline, particularly the play on social consciousness :-P, and of course the actions, oh baby! Nice work Chris Nolan, and what lines! I particularly liked Joker's (Why so serious? is just one beautiful example) and Mr. Butler's lines, hehe...and i was this close to falling for the district attorney dude, who knew Aaron Eckhart had that in him! And Heath, oh i am so gonna miss Heath :(

Ok, back to petite moi. After the movie, we came back to my apartment and chatted until late at night, about this and that. Lol, by that i mean, men. C tried her best to give me her objective opinion of mr jones situation, but ended up shaking her head, and saying "And all this (gesturing at my body with her hands, but i am sure she included my mind, lol), are you gonna let all this just sit idle as you wait for god knows how long?" Haha, funny!

Sure, i can pick up a suitable man. There are aplenty for one who is easy on the eye. Sorry, but men are visual. And people have been bugging me about it, trying to match me up with suitors, but i know i would regret it. So, what's the point, really?

Sigh.

On the other hand, we have the case of Andrew Wiles who spent 7 years proving Fermat's last theorem, which is rather a non-existence theorem. It informs one of stuff that are just not doable. I wonder if i am headed for mine, and if the margin is wide enough.

Une luciole dans la lanterne en verre

I have been avoiding you, my dear. I apologize. But you see, i had too much on my mind; muddled confused splinters of thoughts hitting me in every way possible. Depuis j'ai regardé ce film le samedi dernier.

Not like it was the first time i watched it. But it was the first time since mr. jones.

Sigh. Every doomed affair has a story to tell, and i call it doomed as that's what it is en les yeux de la société with the so-called obstacles like ours. It cannot go anywhere. It will predictably falter by stepping on its own shackles even before it learns how to take baby steps. Doomed, cursed, star-crossed tales, from the Shakespearean era to that of the Jack Twists and Ennis del Mars, ah, we face them aplenty, don't we?

Truth is that we create our own paths just by being who we are, insomuch as it becomes unfair to call the society or the star a co-creator. Je pense.

I guess i am disturbed and equally amazed by the reflections i saw in the film. Of us. Indeed since then i thought of many a stories i read and instantly knew my role. Hopeless dreamer, eternal optimist, unflinchingly unconflicted. Ah, how shamelessly me! One with my dream, and together we are invincible, and no, it's not a dream of a rosy future and all that, non, c'est rien comme la vie rouge, but to be one with the one. Opposite me, stands my destiny, ma raison d'être, guardedly hopeful, singularly focused yet eternally conflicted, ever tormented mr jones. Ah the pain of wanting something so much and not letting yourself have it! I guess i would never know what it takes to play his role.

But underneath that calm exterior of mine lies untamed current of many knots, oh so many knots, tying and untying me in fashions tumultuous until it consumes me. And i know with most certainty that i will be, and i am fighting my best to untangle. Treading currents i am, in my want to be one with him; currents unforgivable and dangerous. Dangerously unpredictable. Sometimes i choke and my confused lungs gasp for clarity and peace. At times, i can't take it any more, i want to give up - just drown and be done with.

Sigh. That is until i see his pain. Une luciole dans la lanterne en verre! And i pledge anew, My love, i shall live for thee.