Infinity in my palm

Partir, c'est un peu mourir.

Every morning he kisses me goodbye, i die a little. Then i come alive when he smiles at me, his mischievous smile.

'there you go, the bed is all yours, and the pillows too'

I cast him a look, for i know he is making fun of me, alluding to my tendency to claim all that lay on the bed as my royal possession.

And i watch him get dressed, and he knows i am watching, sometimes he turns and smiles and i avert my eyes...and i want to die of happiness.

Hold the moment still, s'il te plaît.

This wednesday mr jones took me to the top of the city. It was windy but clear and we could see up to ten miles, um with my sailor's binoculars of course...i could even read the names of the container ships leaving and entering the bay. As for mr. sailor, he said it was depressing cause he couldn't read that far :-P...aww. The whole city laid quiet at our feet. Streets criss-crossed, landmarks shimmered with the golden lights of the setting sun, colorful flags flew in harmonious defiance with the wind. I saw towns across the bay, clock tower, and bridges. Bridges that were tall and conspicuous and bridges that were long and covered in fog, looking all ethereal, like a glimpse of the past.

We sat on the barrier of the scenic drive, and cars kept driving by, the wind was crazy and chilly, he put his jacket on me (typical!) and then tried to cover me with his body! I shook my head, i mean i am not a child, and i consider myself pretty darn strong, tiny though that i am. LOL, my bravado didn't go far, however. When it was time to return, i was like 'oh, fuck!, don't tell me i have to climb down the hill!' Looking down makes me nauseous, seriously, and i was wearing stilettos (typical!), so the alternative was to carry me down, or take this really long alternate route. Anyway, after much cajoling, i agreed to take the hill, and he guided me down, one step at a time. And i wasn't afraid at all. And i wondered... 'i dunno why you care so much mr jones? Nothing lasts forever, remember?' But he couldn't read it on my face, his eyes were busy protecting my steps.

Sigh. Nothing lasts forever.

So hold me here on this edge, hold me with you. Make me soar with the wind, flirt with the unseen, see far beyond the reach of my eyes.

And when we are done, guide me down. Watch my step.

Hold me, lest i fall.

C'est vrai

It's been a week now. In mr jones' city.

Thoughts just kept bubbling in my mind, couldn't give them form. Perhaps i will just list them, in order of perceived importance.

Ah, perceptions!

4th of july. I was pretty depressed. Called up a 'friend' who i knew had a major crush on me, and went dancing. Took one scotch to get drunk, danced for hours. Men came over, asked me if i was visiting or lived there, i didn't answer, surement pas, but i did dance with them. Oh yeah. If you got moves baby, lay it on me, is all i say on the dance floor. Hold me strong, keep me stable and twirl me around...er truth is although i enjoyed my temporary trance, it was no help in the end, and i was just reminded of how depressed i was. What's worse, one of the men gave my friend advice in the line of how he was a fool and that he should not let me go and that he should marry me ...what the hell?

Sigh.

My friend thinks mr jones is playing me. Are you, mr jones?

Anyway, i might have ignited something inadvertently cause now my said friend has been calling me and i am avoiding him. Damn!

June 30: Moved into my new cool flat. The building is hundred years old i was told. Had interesting interactions with certain people. Man, i love this slope-y foggy city and whatever happens i know i will be happy just walking around or listening to city noise, watching whimsical fog descend on sombre bridges or checking out old buildings. Then there is the bay of course. So yeah, it deserves a post all by itself. Later.

June 22: Came back from island trip and received news that my nsf grant was officially awarded. Lots of congratulatory emails. Felt nothing. But it does draw a line of some sort, me having to transfer my old grant to someone, ushering a new, something, ah, like a new work-me, lol, whatever!

Oh look at the time, i have to head out for a meeting with my research sponsor. By the way, dunno what i said, he is all excited about the project ideas and wants to extend our collaboration from two months to a year.

Hey, i am not complaining. Comme j'ai dit, j'aime la ville!

C'est ça

June went by fast.

Spent a lot of time packing and unpacking suitcases, boarding and de-boarding airplanes, checking in and checking out of places.

Airports are not fun when your plane waits in the tarmac for an hour for the signal to take off, and especially not fun when it sets off a chain reaction resulting in you missing the connecting flight.

Funny how things work!

On our way to the island, we missed our connection due to the scapegoat typically used by overbooking airlines called Air Traffic Control, and subsequently got detained in mr jones' city. For a night. So we lost a day of activities in a high priced resort, no horse-back riding was done, had to make several calls to shift other stuff, the situation was beginning to look pretty darn grim, collective fuses were getting shorter and shorter.

To make the best of this unappealing situation, the duo decided to go downtown and check out the dueling piano bar. It was a nice change of pace. As I was sipping my not so daunting cherry martini and tapping my not so drunk foot, amidst blaring sing-alongs and iterative applauses, i got a call from mr jones. He wanted to meet up.

Il m'a semblé un peu ivre et agité. Il m'a dit, "quoi donc s'il y a une difference de dix-neuf ans entre nous, il n'implique pas que nous ne pouvons pas rencontrer! Nous sommes dans la même ville, et vous ne voulez pas rencontrer moi!" Alors, il ne fait presque pas telle chose comme ça, il est très calme à mon avis, donc j'était très surprise! I mean i am known to be impulsive, but hey, even i wouldn't dare to take on a 22 who just had to subtract a whole day of fun from her graduation trip!

Wouldn't lie, i was impressed by his courage at the same time afraid of what this chance encounter would unleash on me. But i said yes to him, anyway.

For the better part of the next day i was snowed under Freud, post-modernism and just plain negative feedback on how we shouldn't be together. The warm breezy ocean air didn't help much to thaw the temperature, nor could the beauty of the island dull the blows so sharp...

Hey, what can i say, wasn't expecting it to be any other way!

Nevertheless, it killed my spirit for one whole day as i started to feel physically sick...took a pain-killer and summoned sleep. Dusk was signing in, evening torches were being lit, music began to pour through the thatch roofs...

...but they could reach me not.

Savez vous?

Let's say you think that you do not want something.

But then, when you don't get it, you start feeling this little hole in your heart...a little hole where unbeknownst to you a space was saved for that thing you thought you did not want...

And it spans and spans, mocking you with screaming silence, tearing through your conviction, vaporising your confusions with wrath only truth can match, until your heart is completely hollow.

What does that tell you? Really? That perhaps you wanted it in the first place...? Perhaps?

Dear, dear!

What an interesting game i am watching!

:-(

I don't believe this! Not MJ...

:-(

Why did it have to be him? Not fair.

Not fair at all.

La mienne toujours

Aviez-vous raison? Et j'avais tort? Ah, comme toujours!

Il n'y a pas de nous? C'était seulement moi?

Oui, c'était seulement toi. Comme toujours.

C'est ton destin.

Tsk-tsk, ne peins pas ton tableau avec des coleurs empruntées, chère amie...

Alors, comme vous m'avez dit, c'est mon destin!

Tu sais?

Life's but a fleeting fancy. Alors, c'est une maîtresse evasive!

Now death, that's the destiny inevitable.

Yes, i know.

Nevertheless, life, she deserves the respect so long as we are courting her. Live short or live long, not in your hands. Living fully, for whatever span you're allowed, now that's your call.

You know what i mean?

Arrêtes

Elle est perdue.

Si oui!

The weather is being really freaky.

It's called June gloom, silly!

But jacaranda trees are being so pretty, busy towering over others with lush cascading branches, tall trunks and abundant violet petals. That makes up for almost all the gloom we are getting!

The year is thiiiiis close to being over. Few tasks remain before i leave for mr jones' city in July, but of course i am seeing him before that. Il y a seulement un jour jusqu'a je le voie! Mmmm...wednesday, here we come!

Going to a beautiful island resort, in like a week, luckily the volcanoes there are dormant, hehe, unlike the island i presented in my french class. It would be nice to see though golden angry lava rushing to the cool pacific ocean mingling with deep water to create more of island. En tout état de cause, my companion, the recent graduate is already preparing a crazy itinerary of things pour moi to do. Huh! All i want to do is lay around, soak up the nature, swim and perhaps learn to hula! Alors, c'est une bonne idée!

Then over the summer i will be perusing my next french course on my own, and come fall i will be all ready for the next one! Yay! Say hello to the third year student! Also, i am teaching a whole new course so that needs some looks, je pense. That and the research. Followed by my yearly sojourn to the faraway land. Yep, i am all set for the next three months!

Not to mention two whole months of mr jones, oh yeah baby!

Hmm. Does it bother me that most of the world is not on our side? I dunno. It's unfortunate, but not unusual for people to not comprehend a nontraditional make-up such as ours. Makes us that much more special, don't you think?

Nous sommes seules quoi donc
Il n'y a pas de peine, ni peur
Rien ne au-delà de nos portées
Si j'ai toi mon amour...

Afternoon lull

The first blossoms have appeared on my duranta vine. Does that mean summer is here?

I am supposed to grade/study today, comme un(e) professeur/étudiante responsable, but i am planning to take a cat nap je pense, parce que i am completely wiped out after that early morning step class!

Had our first viva voce yesterday, for which i had to wake myself up early (again!) sigh...anyway, i sat in the back and pretty much observed everyone except when i asked questions or took pictures of the board-work. Funny, how people always expect things to work out. The candidate taking the comps made sure each of his solution fit into the problem posed, rather conscientiously, as if he wanted every problem to have a solution. So when he came upon one which didn't, he stood there very puzzled checking every step, driving me crazy so much so that after 15 min i couldn't help but lose my poker-face and say "Would you please read the question again?" which clearly said, do the decomposition bla bla... if possible. Aha!

In mathematics we often concern ourselves with existence and uniqueness of a solution. That is to say, we go in knowing there may or may not be a solution to every problem. Yet we find ourselves turning the board upside down when it doesn't. C'est pourquoi? I think i know that answer to that but now is not the right time for that somber discourse.

Anyway, something uber funny happened after the candidate left and when we were grading his exam. It made us laugh so hard that i was still laughing thinking about it, when i drove back home two hours later...hehe, something i shouldn't be saying here, sorry.

Had the girls' night out from 6-11pm, ending with a yumm nightcap of watermelon juice, sadly no scotch, cause i had to drive back home and even one drink makes me lose it. Yep, just ask anyone who ever had to drag me home after one drink, i am quite an infra dig in that respect, but whatever! As usual, we checked out what was going on with everyone, one bought a house, the other made that all-important visit to her bf's parents (say what? what parents? her bf is like 60! ooh i am so mean!), and the third was relieved to find out that her daughter was going to prom with a boy (not a girl, ah there's a story there but i can't divulge). As for me, people wanted to see mr jones' pic, had some on my phone from the island trip, so guess what, they actually said that he looked older than me... hahahaha, hmm! Well, you'd laugh too if you knew what i knew! Yumm...mon vingt-cinq is all man if i may say so!

So after a weird vegetarian-non-veg dinner where the vegis took the appearance/taste/smell of non-veg (or NOT!), four math profs went for their massage en masse, SATC style. To my horror i found they were all men, so i promptly demanded a woman, as did our youngest colleague. Dunno what up with the older colleagues, i might have a few guesses though (ooh! being mean again!). :-P Luckily they were able to call in some subs. Phew! As i said before, i do not like to be touched or hugged by just any people, and definitely not by men i do not care for! Eeek!

Anyway, it was an experience. That's all i can say before my eyes close...

A tout à l'heure, chers amis!

Here we are

It rained today. After a really long time.

When i got out of french class, the concrete had on a fresh coat of rain, the pathways were strewn with blue velvet from jacaranda trees, few drops of rain still lingered around the metal structures.

It was the last day of the A-year. Of course there is the exam week, to that add the upcoming comprehensive exam which i am chairing, year-end paperwork such as reports to be written and responsibilities to be handed over to summer alternates. One would feel obligated not to relax. But i felt pensive, and let my mind wander. Must have been the rain.

Truth be told, i come here primarily to talk to myself. Haven't been here though for some time, not sure what that means.

So tell me, how am i doing?

Mr. jones was visiting me during the memorial day weekend. His first time here. We had a tiff the night before, which made me cry and him paranoid thinking i was gonna break up with him or some. Well, i gave him bit of a reason i guess, when he called a few times and i didn't pick up. Anyway, we made up, and it was a blast as usual. I took him to an island, we almost missed the ferry because of the mean person at the counter, but the girl at the dock let us on, and by the end of the day i proved to mr jones that for every mean bloak you encounter, there exist four nice ones. Hehe.

Once on the island, we pretend sailed in our petit bateau, sat by the beach watching people and analysing the shoes, :-P (mr jones made me toss my heels, i can't believe, making me a whole foot shorter than him!), playing soccer with a runaway ball that was dancing on the wave, and driving around the island for hours in a golf cart. Mmmm...t'was a golden day. The wind was chilly when we got back on the ferry and he kept piling up jackets on me, hmm, sometimes he just treats me like a baby! Oh, and as the ferry started sailing out came this silver lining along a grey cloud on a golden sky. People ooh-ed, a rush ensued, cameras clicked, videos rolled, but i just sat comme une chatte contente leaning on his shoulder, oblivious of this rare natural phenomenon.

We didn't get to go dancing this time, guess whose fault it was! Ummhmm...i was almost all dressed up, and then...oh oops...hush, you silly! :-P Anyway, i did get a sweet buzz on my way back home that night, but mr jones wanted to discuss future, twenty years from now! Eek that kinda killed my buzz! He did let me in on his plan of sailing around the world and eventually moving to Spain. Well, even though i was TUI, i encouraged him to fulfill his dreams. (Later, me and my sis had a good laugh imagining myself as a blithering Passepartout to mr jones' precise Fogg, foiling his pristine plan with my trademark free wheeling ...hahahaha).

Shh, we also found out that neither of us likes to drive, what's more, mr jones actually called me a nonchalant driver! Hmph! Well, be that as it may, (nonchalant, moi? LOL) being the older of the two, i held my tongue, and gulped the adjective down.

Well, c'est tout!

Not really.

Mr jones broke down right before leaving, goodbyes were getting to be increasingly tough, he said. And when i came back from the airport and saw his empty closet, i could no longer hold it together either.

I have never been here. Dunno where we are going. Pas vraiment.

Beautiful journey though. Wouldn't trade it for the world.

Seriously?

Sigh.

Had the yearly retreat today. Usual stuff, you know, like strategic plans, mission and vision statements, shit like that. Overlooking the mountainside with breathtaking view on a gorgeous day. Quel perte de temps! I am perpetually amazed by how much we discuss and that how little of action it actually translates into.

Anyway, what probably disappointed me more was that people were so completely ignorant of cultural icons who left a legacy of work. During the 'identify your colleague' session my identity while was correctly matched with the Q&A piece i had provided (Q: Who is my fav dancer/musician? A: MJ), most didn't know what MJ stood for. Some thought it meant Michael Jordan and expressed due surprise, 'Oh i didn't know he could dance!' Um, reason much?

In mathematics we often utilise the same variable to represent different entities depending on the context. A rather simple example - the letter y could mean the function y = f(x) or the functional value (y-coordinate of a point (x, y)) which might throw some naive students off, but we are trained to weave the content symbol in and out of context with the same dexterity with which Hélio Castroneves changes form from a race-track to a ballroom floor. Well, maybe not that suave, lol, who am i kidding, but yeah.

Then my question is that why would we, the trained mathematicians, fail to apply the same rational thought process when we shift to non-mathematical territory? What's worse that there we were, the same folks, lamenting away the fact that how most of our students were not cognizant thinkers.

Maybe i am just offended that people don't know my fav performer, and i am the one being not rational about my expectation, or perhaps that they are just musically inept, seriously, what do i care!

Just late night ranting i guess...

Have you ever

He loved her before he met her. You know, like the song...only, he didn't know.

Seulement elle était au courant.

Have you ever broken a stallion? Felt its tremendous revolting, gyrating thrusts to throw you every which way imaginable? Fighting you back with fierce and blind force, sheer animal force that sends spirals of despair along your spine and make you wanna give up?

You can almost smell the stench of defeat and you wish you could quit. Except that you know what's coming next...

But not before he tries one last time, rising up all the way in a final act of rebellion, pushing you to your limit, crushing your physical existence, making you gasp before a spine-numbing fall...

Almost.

But if you didn't give up, not in the face of a thousand threats, if you tried to understand what lies beneath the magnificent facade that so attracts you, you are close. Close to make him see his mind in the mirror of yours.

And then he is yours. Just like that. In all his glory. He knows only you can truly understand.

For you, my dears, are two of a kind.

So then my love, bend down a bit, steady yourself, oh yeah and catch that angle, you are about to embark upon the ride of your life!

Comme ça

Il a fait noir... lentement, comme mon état d'espirit.

Ce qui me rende triste?

Peut-être j'étudierai pour mon examen de français, j'éspere qu'il m'apaisera, mais je ne suis pas certaine.

Des talons hauts

Yesterday, i put on my heels at 7 am. It was 10pm when i took them off.

It was the commencement day. This time i didn't have to don my regalia, neither did i hood the students or walk the line in cap and gown, but in a way it was more mine than when i walked as a student or a faculty.

It was a day full of walking on heels, sans insignes, in tow with the crowd and the cool breeze. A multitude of ceremonies, speeches and receptions, leis and bouquets, parents and grandparents. Two squishy babies happily drooling on their dads' shoulders, campus police patrolling on futuristic two-wheelers, one lone girl immersed in her story book forgetting the surroundings.

I always look forward to the commencement address. Often i find something in there to carry with me. Yesterday was no expectation. In addition, it was rather amusing. Who woulda thunk? The actor politician can actually speak and hold my attention for an hour. Hmm! He offered six rules of success to the graduates, illustrating each one with his life's experiences. Trust yourself, break rules, ignore naysayers, don't be afraid to fail, work like hell and give back. Good job, Dr. S., :-P i think you summed it up rather well and i loved the fact you have a pretty decent sense of humor and not afraid to make fun of yourself. The accent of course was the cherry on top. Hehe.

I went to two satellite ceremonies, each followed by a reception. English and Film. It never ceases to amaze me how colleges can drastically mismatch in resources, within the same university. While the extremely well-endowed Film school held its ceremony at the prestigious S-auditorium, quoique sans le tapis rouge, but with great pomp nevertheless, Arts and Letters had it in a hangar on the field. Sigh.

All in all, it was a good day. One to hold onto. Even though my heels pinched me numb at times, i am glad that i did not take them off throughout this journey.

All twenty-two years of it.

Bonsoir!

Comment allez vous, chers amis? Missed me?

Alas, no blogging is being done, you know what that means, :-P mr jones has taken over my evenings, not that i am complaining! Anyway, my brain's a bit blank with all the happiness, and who doesn't know our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thoughts...so yeah.

Quarter is winding down, soon to reach a full halt with the entrance of summer. My french is going very well, know almost all tenses now, yay! At times i feel like the auxlliary prof in class, explaining to my fellow classmates the subtle nuances of grammar. Hmm, come to think of it, opening my mouth has never been a problem for me, since i became a teen...hahahaha dunno what happened there!

Bon, c'est tout! Soyez-sage, jusqu'à je retourne!

La rivière souterraine

This one goes to my mom.

Parents are expected to love all their children an equal amount, whether they do or not, that's another matter. Children on the other hand can pick favorites and often do. Rarely have i found a child that does not care for one parent a tad more than the other. Perhaps it's the charisma that parent exudes, or the respect they draw, or that you just plain identify with them. I am no exception. I have always maintained the view that i am my father's daughter.

Like my dad i pursued math and chose his profession, even though i excelled in literature, perhaps more so. Like him, i voiced my opinions without fearing the repercussions and decided diplomacy was for the ones lacking spunk. Like him my energy flowed boisterous and boundless, any inkling of weakness was shrugged aside as unnecessary appendage.

Did i ever want to be like my mom?

I will not deny that she loved us, but sometimes concrete needs trump the abstract ones. You want your parents to stay still so you can grow. My mom never cared for the so-called duties that a mother adheres to, keeping the house tidy, or cooking delicious dishes, parading her children in nice clothes or attending school events. She would rather read and write in a journal she kept or help us do our homework. As a child it drove me insane. I did not understand her. I did not try. Even though she gave up her job to raise the five of us, and remained a homemaker for the rest of her life, she never lost the agony of not pursuing what she loved. She stood on that threshold of eternal want.

She was a literature major. And now she is the biggest supporter of my love affair with french, always asking questions about my new discoveries and accomplishments. Soft-spoken, afraid of confrontation, sometimes it seemed like she was the child who needed to be taken care of. Growing up, i did not appreciate that. And i held her accountable for my dad's deteriorating health, i thought she ought to have taken better care of him. I even thought that she didn't care for him.

I was wrong. She just didn't know how to show it. She went to pieces after he was gone.

When i called her today, she asked me for an unusual gift, but that was not unlike her. For me to sing a whole song. A song that my dad loved to hear me sing. And i did. Over the phone. She thanked me in the end, and said she closed her eyes and felt dad was sitting beside her listening to me sing.

Some threads are strong, visible and recognized. Some just run underneath. Nevertheless, they both define who we are.

This and that

Spent my day doing just that. And this. Not quite in the Seinfeld style though, or wait, lemme check quickly, yep, did have that and now this, so yeah two for two! LOL

Seriously, spent most of my day calling phone companies, first cell, then land. Damn sales reps played me like doubles' shuttlecock for over an hour, sending me four ways from billing to fraud to unknown to accounting. Anyway, less i talk about it is better for my temper.

On the good front, i could somewhat relax now as the conference is behind me, along with all the nightmares of planning and hosting it. Oh yeah, got news today, i am about to reel in the big fish, aka, new NSF grant! Yep! So let's see, basically i am signing up for another five years of slavery. Hmph! But i don't care, this one will benefit my students big time. In addition, the next promotion will be pretty much in my bag, since it's a major major grant. (pat, pat)

Also, planning my summer research activities, guess where, :-P in mr jones' city! Aha! Shh...don't tell anyone! Contacted a colleague and it's a go, the collaboration. I mean, c'mon, who can refuse me, seriously? ;;)

Looking forward to making and grading comprehensive exams next^4 weekend. Say what? Grading? Looking forward? Whoa? Since when? Um, i need some math man, the need is dire, i tell you...i am choking without it, and i will take anything, including grading! Interesting question from one student, he wants to create his own notations, as you know the icky truncation error analysis can consume page after page, i gave him an ok, how innovative!

Got some flowers today, two days early :-P for a job well done. Hahahaha. Well done, indeed. If i may say so myself.

Congratulations to me!

:-P

Just in time

Have you ever broken something in futile protest? Longed to hear the object hit a wall and smash itself into tiny fragments of its once full self, obliterating its meaningless objective existence? I am not someone who breaks things easily, but there are times when the a-curve nears the v-asymptote and when it does, watch out! For there's only one steepness it travels to reach that peak.

Vertical.

Last night i wanted to break my phone. As i picked it up with the intention of hurling it across the room, as far as my anger would allow me, i saw a hazy glimpse of its little green body from the corner of my teared up eyes, and i remembered that i loved my green gecko.

I checked myself just in time.

But my mind paced, refusing to let my tired body settle for sleep. For the rest of the night i teetered on the edge of a feeling more complex than anger and frustration.

Jeudi

Conference day.

Focus, Missy!

Ah, in a bit...let me float a little while longer up in my cloud, please?

Damn, i miss him too much!

Sigh.

We're in trouble.

La tache aveugle

L: Hey there girl friend, we meet again!

R: Merde! C'est toi! Must we do this now? I am kinda drunk, come back later.

L: Hmm. I must congratulate you though of doing a swell job of holding it altogether.

R: Eh, je ne sais pas de quoi tu parles.

L: LOL, oh you know perfectly well what i am talking about. Your last post.

R: Mon week-end? Il n y a pas de problème, mon amie. C'était très bon, comme une rose, tu n'as pas lu cela?

L: Indeed. I am here for the thorn...

R: Qu'est ce qu'il y a? Tu es ivre aussi comme moi? De quelle épine parles tu maintenant?

L: Sigh. I speak of roses and thorns. Rose, my dear. La fleur à que tu as comparé ton week-end. Pourquoi c'était comme une rose? N'est la jonquille, ni le lys, ni l le lilas, mais la rose. C'est pourquoi?

R: Mon Dieu! Tu es toute folle! Leave me be, L. Just leave me alone. Je suis heureuse, tu ne peux pas voir ça?

L: Sigh. Yes, i do see that. Trust me, i do.

L: Perhaps you don't need me. Perhaps you will make it.

R: Merci. Je l'apprécie.

L: Bon courage donc. Je m'en vais maintenant.

Comme une rose

I had a beautiful weekend, comme une rose.

Granted, i would probably have reached faster by car, my plane was uber late and completely full, people were grumpy and children were grumpier, sky was gloomy and it was raining, but none of those mattered when i got off the escalator and saw him walking toward me.

Every time is like the first time.

Je ne savais pas que c'était possible.

And then i was in his place. Pour le premier fois. Il a dit que j'étais la première fille à orner son lit! Ce qui je peux dire mon ami, good things come to those who wait. :-P

That night the kitchen lost her virginity, and mr jones learned how to make coleslaw, i accidentally landed a cool drink that i shall name pommesky, and even though i didn't get carried over the threshold :-P, i got something that was more fun, a piggyback ride from the bed to the kitchen, ah, two of my fav places!

Sometimes i think, left to our own devices, we are just like a couple of kids. Like the time when mr jones got chided in the artsy hopping high H-district for carrying my purse (in his defense it was a rather manly purse!) and wearing designer clothes. The moment we were out of their eye-shot we burst out giggling comme d'adolescents, ah, seulement ils sont qui montrent telle joie de vivre!

Quelquefois quand nous touchons tellement
L'honnêteté devient trop pour supporter
Et je dois fermer mes yeux et me cacher...

Split

Something is disturbing me and i know not what to do with it.

I am in for a crazy work week, perhaps i can drown my thought in that. For now.

La reine dit

Bonjour, tout le monde!

Tout va bien?

Well, i am off to see mr jones...mon petit roi et son royaume...

:-P ...i would like to hum a song, but i might miss my plane! So later, dears!

Whatever!

J'ai un examen aujourd'hui.

Tuesday sucked up all my energy... woke myself up quite late, still feeling sooooo tired and now i only have one hour to study...sigh.

Whatever, i plan to nail it anyway!

Butterflies are free

Today i would tell you about a student of mine.

I have a very packed schedule to adhere to, but i have noticed that sometimes getting stuff off my head helps me process other things faster. Besides, it will be one half hour well spent.

Like yesterday. She came to see me, as she always does, springing into my office, almost prancing, rushed toward me and exclaimed the way only she can,"Give me some love, it's my birthday today!" Those of you who know me also know that i don't do hugs, no sir-ee bob! Hey, what can i say, i don't even hug my own sis who i am very close with! But this girl is something else, she will make you do stuff you would not normally do. Like Jill Baker in Butterflies are free.

She turned 32 yesterday. My Jill. She has been struggling with the upper level math classes, but that's just not it. She has been struggling with keeping her head above the water that's life. With financial aid and sporadic work she is fighting it out.

She is also raising her eight year old daughter. On her own. I have seen this child. Once or twice she sat in my class with her mom and painted away. An active, engaged and happy child. I have bought girl scout cookies from her, as did many members of the department.

So yesterday after i advised Jill for about 15 minutes about how she could optimally map out her next year, she enlightened me about goldfishes for the next 15 minutes. It so seems that she has found the golden rule of teaching a child about life, science and the responsibilities of caring for beings other than one's own self.

Every time her daughter rises up to a challenge she gets a goldfish, and the custom was established early on for the very essential p-training. So by now Jill has about 16 different goldfishes and from what i could tell she can write a short paper on how to raise cold water goldfishes! I learned many a things, among which are the little known facts that the fish can live as long as 25 years, they do need medical care (on top of all the other cares), and that they cannot procreate unless the environment is conducive.

I also was reminded why i liked my Jill so much. She has not given up. Neither on her child, nor on herself. The more the life tries to pull her down, up she rises ever so buoyant and joyous.

Now, that Jill, she has my respect.

Quel dommage!

Just came back from school event. Say, isn't it nice when men dress up? :-P Found most of my male colleagues in suits and it was a nice surprise. Doesn't hurt that all are tall and more or less in shape, hehe, you would rarely find a math faculty out of shape, i tell you! I don't know why, must be all that thinking! Now if only one can hold on to that hair as thought progresses...but can't have the cake and eat it too, eh?

All in all, it was a nice event, although i failed to recognize half of the student body, my colleagues felt the same way, hmm, what's up with that? But between the ten of us, i think we managed to place all faces, i think.

Omg! I almost forgot! Saw shop dude waiting by the elevator and it was 8 pm! What the hell? For one moment i froze with paranoia thinking somehow he chanced upon my last post, and then took an objective step forward. Thankfully he only said hi and asked if i was off to a party (i did dress rather emphatically, meaning i ditched my usual professional attire)...phew...

Eeek, i just ate the most horrendous cupcake of all! Okay, chill, just balance it out with something yumm...je me demande ce que sera...qu'est-ce que ce je mangerai...hmmm

To skirt or not to skirt

Seven years into my teaching career, i decided to wear a skirt to work today. For the first time. A short one.

As a result i received many a compliments, verbal and not so verbal ones. The verbal ones were mostly from people who knew me, colleagues and graduate students, all females. Men, i just got looks, ah those shy creatures! As i was making my way to the parking lot, in the elevator i got the penultimate compliment, by its last entrant, another female grad student. As she was expressing her appreciation, 'oh, that looks so good on you etc. etc.', out speaks the other occupant of the elevator, an unknown man. 'You know i was thinking the same, but didn't know if it was an appropriate thing for me to say'.

Now this prompts me to tell you a favorite story of mine, written by Guy de Maupassant. But as a prelude to that let me narrate two more episodes from my university life.

It starts like this. Six years ago, quand j'étais un jeune professeur...

Scene 1: ...this student of mine asks me out (by this time he graduated and found a job), first verbally, then by email. At first, i keep pretending not to have understood his advances, and then one day he shows up in my office and asks me out again in front of my colleague, i suppose to make it legit? Given the fact that he was the best student in my class (and a literature major at that!), i wanted to let him down easy. So i take him out for coffee and let him see that there is nothing in common between us, and that his attraction was probably a mélange of adulation and my hotness factor (lol, sorry but c'est vrai!). Anyway, it was what i call, a very nicely done 'Thanks, but no thanks' (if i may say so myself!).

Then there was the other one.

Scene 2: A rookie prof meets a rookie electrician by the said elevator. Think Ricky Martin minus the gay vibe. He introduces himself, and asks for my name. Pretty bold, huh, i think, who dare hits on a prof, soon realizing, he probably took me for a student. I mutter a short form of my name, and make a quick exit in my elevator (i tell you, if only that elevator could talk!). I see him a few other times on my way to the elevator, with him trying to strike up a convo and me trying to leave the scene, lest i start liking him.

Then one day, i realize i did start liking him. Alas, the next day, he makes his boldest move and follows me to my building, only to find out who i was. From then on, he kept his distance, just nodded like all the other guys that just look and nod as i pass by their shop every day on my way to the elevator.

Now comes the final story. Once upon a time in the great land of french countryside there was a couple (X & Y) and their bachelor friend Z. Z had a huge crush on X but thought he would never measure up to be someone who can be with her. The story opens with an old Z running to an old X (Y is dead by now and everyone is real old) to find out once and for all, if she would have said yes to him, had he asked for her hand. Okay, so i completely killed the poetic aura, but in a nutshell that's just about it!

Her answer, 'yes, dummy, i would have said yes.'

Ditto for me. To the shop dude.

So this is what i say to all you guys out there. Don't skirt around the wish. Be bold. Go after the one you want. So what if you get rejected? Get back up and dust yourselves off. You are men, aren't you?

Take a chance. You will never know what's in store for you unless you try.

Yep!

La nuit

It was a long summer night that almost didn't end. The more i tried to fight it, the longer it became. With its cold shoulders and stiff posture, it just sat there, wrapped in conjured apathy that mimicked my own.

Daring me to brave the feelings.

Get it?

Il fait très chaud aujourd'hui.

85 degrees Fahrenheit was what i saw on my car's temp screen, as i was driving myself back from the gym. These days i look forward to my trysts with the cross-trainers, cause that's the only time i feel i could read without a guilty conscience chasing after me. My, see what academia does to you?

It's a bloody sunday, but i have been answering emails and working on something that needs to be submitted tomorrow, at the same time getting ready for some unforeseen meetings, the list goes on. Not that i am complaining too much, cause i love some of these things, although the rest drives me crazy! I am an academic, damnit, don't ask me to fill out forms or chase after broken systems!

And oh, here's to all who think us profs have it easy, that we just come and go, and have our summers off! Let me set that one straight, folks. Yes, you probably see us work 5 hours a day (that is when you really see us, teaching or holding office hours), but we generally work 8-10 hours a day, and most of the week-ends. Those of us wearing more hats than one, regularly pull 60-70 hours per week. Yes, we may have our summers off, but 1) we don't get paid for that time, and 2) it doesn't mean we are freaking sitting on our asses the whole summer, that's when we pursue our research interests, as you might know without publications we're toast! It's a tough balancing act, but most of us do it (despite the ludicrous compensation/time ratio and the more ludicrous demand/time ratio), is, cause we dig it; our students, our books, and just the whole idea of knowledge.

So consider yourselves lucky, dears!

Wow, i dunno what set that off! Probably the heat, or the expectation to answer work emails on a sunday. Anyway, i am reading Tony Morrison's Beloved on the cross-trainers these days. It's downright raw. I would like to cite a passage i like, but, i gotta go feed myself.

Later, all.

Les enfants

This afternoon i made a cognizant effort to be sans thoughts, thoughts that can earn me the brand silly. I took a really long walk wanting to get lost in the summer breeze, tall trees and the smell of cut grass. And happy kids. So i ended my walk with a sit-out at my beautiful neighborhood park that always sparkles with picnics and all sort of celebrations during the weekend.

I sat on a bench and watched children play. Joggers ran by and cyclists circled around, afternoon sun mellowed over the tall maple trees, bees hummed in one last recognition of the day, but they kept on playing.

I couldn't help but think. Did i ever play like that, quand j'étais une petite fille? But i already knew the answer. Non. I was the quiet wondering one, happy to be left in the corner by herself with her books, and she didn't care what book she found, she just read. I suppose i was an odd child. I remember reading big books of religion (written in poems) to our helping hands. As the evening would fall they will gather by the kitchen and i would recite the words from god's own mouth. I was told the said act earned you points with god. Yeah, i did believe in god back then, so i tried to be on his good side. Ha! I remember one night i put my book down and ran crying while reading the part where the demon king stole the princess and the noble bird died protecting her.

How silly of me!

Yes, as a child i lived within myself, often coming alive in the characters of the books. They made me laugh, cry, dream, but most importantly they always let me be myself. Mes amis silencieux. They let me wonder.

Even if i try very hard and go as far in the past as possible, i can't see that girl running around, jumping over fences or rolling in the grass in careless abundance. Granted, i come a long way from then and i have become quite an extrovert. In parties or while giving a talk, or teaching even, i am all outspoken, intense and unabashed. In a nutshell, when i open my mouth, people listen. So no, you won't see even a glimpse of that shy little girl who would like nothing better than to be left alone with her books.

But even though she was not quite like the playful kids that bring me such joy, she was nevertheless the same, eyes full of wonders, mind full of hopes and beliefs that anything is possible. And she is still somewhere in me, manifesting in my silly acts or trusting heart. But i don't let her out often, for this world is a bad bad place for girls like that.

You might have seen her once or twice. Here. Si tu as vu avec les yeux d'un enfant.

Of doubts and thoughts

This morning i woke up with the unusual sound of two male voices conversing inside my apartment. As my dream daze wore off, i realized what it was. My two bros having an intercontinental convo on my answering machine. Pas juste! Waking me up from my beautiful dream! Can't tell you what my dream was about though, lest i be judged for having them.

Ah, judgement!

Those of you who read (and understood) last night's post know already that mr jones and i had a fight hier soir. I have to admit that i was being a brat, and he was being the adult. Then that's us. When one throws a tantrum the other remains calm, well, 9 out of 10 times. That one time is the real test of us.

Even though i have been asked not to wonder and ponder (comme mon prefesseur m'a dit, 'tu penses trop, d') i can't help it. I want to understand why things are the way they are. Perhaps if i stop thinking i will be bursting with happiness, happiness unpolluted by thoughts. Thoughts are perhaps the bane of my existence, but they are also me, and how can i separate the one from the other?

Let us not mistake the thoughts for doubts. There is a distinct delineation. Thoughts are like flakes of clouds, be it the one adorning a sunny sky or ushering rain for that matter. Your mind is clear afterwards. Doubts on the other hand are like cancer cells, multiplying irrationally ultimately causing the demise of the host.

As i am saying this i am thinking of Descartes in the back of my mind, Dubito ergo cogito. Hmm. Am i being truthful then? Then again, can that statement be universally true? Must a doubt precede every thought? Now i quite doubt that, LOL. Sorry, that was lame! Coming back to my point, i still maintain that the thoughts are not necessarily generated from doubts. It's all just a continuum of consciousness, and that debunks the mandate of there being such an order.

Yikes, i think i floated too far away from where i was. Man, i do the same in my classes, i could just run with it, leaving my students with the not so envious task of running with my mind! Anyway, sigh, where was i? Forget all this, let me just hum you a few lines from a song instead, with an apology for inadequate translation...

ce qui je peux dire

ce n'est pas la colère, ou le doute, mon chéri,

c'est juste une autre façon de moi

de vous attirer plus près

Si oui

je souhaite que tu aies un bon jour et tu trouves quelqu'un

quelqu'un qui est très pratique et raisonnable comme toi

si tu ne me comprends pas encore

mais ne moi demandes pas d'être quelqu'un d'autre

s'il te plaît

Score!

Ooh...i just got intimation from NSF that my million $ baby is thiiiiis close to being funded but i need to provide a suitable abstract in present progressive tense for public/congressional queires...hmm...say what tense again, see, i learn new things every day!

Anywho, guess who is back from his trip!

C'est mon chéri et mon meilleur ami...c'est quelq'un qui fait me sourir toujours ...

:)

god, i missed that man!

Eeek!

Tax day.

Mieux vaut tard que jamais!

If you are wondering what the last post was about, it was a demonstration of a word with a scene or sentence. Je pratique pour mon examen de français (à demain). Although we are allowed to just use the definition for that purpose, me, i prefer this mode, hehe, shows my french prowess too!

We are also keeping a journal where you just write whatever comes to your mind, grammatically correct or not, only requirement is that it be in french. I must say that it is proving to be quite beneficial. I already have four long pages of whatever. No one will be reading it, so you can really, i mean really write whatever. Catch my drift? Wait, i am feeling a bit paranoid now, cause tomorrow, when we write the exam, what if prof gets bored and starts to read them (which are always put on the table à lundi)? Perhaps i should sober down the topics some, eh? (i know, i know, it's sober up and tone down, but i like 'em mixed up, so sue me!)

So yeah, comme j'ai dit, this course is a bit different than the ones before. I like it like this.

Okay, back to books.

By the way, my last few posts might have given you the impression of me being a spoiled brat who does nothing but studies french while enjoying the sun, but ce n'est pas tout, trust me, je suis plus que cela! Although now that i have said it, it doesn't sound half bad either!

:-P

Comme une femme

My most favourite scene from SATC is when Richard the dick was rushing after Samantha who ran out of his office to the elevator, after he told her she couldn't have the job, cause, she was after all, a woman. Tears were about to stream down her cheeks and she prayed like she never prayed before, for the elevator door to close before he could see her like that. Like a woman.

Vulnerability.

When the armour falls off and you see a glimpse of the person underneath.

Sometimes it's just for a moment, but the moment suffices.

Il faut que vous ne soyez pas sans méfiance quand vous baissez votre garde.