Not yet

Perhaps it's time to wake myself up from my reverie. Perhaps.

What a crazy week i am having. I am sleep-deprived and running on pure adrenaline. This shall continue until the conference is over. It's all on me, just cause! As my team-mates joke, every time i use a sentence like "we need to take care of this", saying "Oh, you mean the royal we!". Oh, well!

Today we formed a math learning council. I quite liked the energy of this particular group of teachers and I am looking forward to the next meeting. Ah, planting the seed i guess. One school at a time, if i have to, i shall change the math attitude and ability of the kids. Now that's a dream i will not give up.

I aced the french test. Felt good to see the adulation in my prof's eyes, but not as good as to be able to help others with their french as we went over the test. Guess i do love to teach. Anything. I want others to feel the joy that i feel when i unlock any door. Ushering truth. Math, French or, human mind for that matter. Eh, it's about time i accept that this is my purpose on the earth.

I suppose that answers my above question. Can't wake up yet.

There is a mind that awaits my touch.

Old dream maker...You heart breaker

When the temparature rises this high one should either enter a movie theatre or just enjoy any simple form of water. Personally I prefer water, as movies last only 1.5 hours, and I am definitely not one of those movie-hoppers.

So this makes me wonder what am I doing here at home perched on my laptop which is uncomfortably hot to the touch. I am working of course! Damn! I wonder if I am becoming a workaholic? Ah, perhaps it's time to get on the wagon. Wait, is it on the wagon or off? Lol, this reminds me of the Seinfeld episode. Since the tenure/promotion is now officially mine (unless I hit the President (eh, of our university), on the head or something of that sort, I was told), shouldn't I be relaxing somewhat? Feels like I am on a quest though and I can't rest until I reach that place, perhaps on a disputed barricade, or perhaps not so disputed, hmm, I am talking about the educational coup that I planned...ce qui sera sera? Ah non! Je vais le faire arriver!

Well, I gotta get back to work. But here's a butterfly kiss for my huckleberry friend!

"Two drifters,
Off to see the world,
There's such a lot of world
To see.
We're after the same
Rainbow's end
Waitin' round the bend,
My huckleberry friend
Moon River and me."

Me and Lollipop Joe

It was another extremely hot day. Driving by the mountains one could see the brushes on fire, the sky all hazy with billowing smoke. I was coming back from yoga class, and my sunglasses almost burnt me as i tried to put them on; poor thing was made of glass and conserved enough heat through the open sunroof. It was a temperature that perfectly matched that of my fuming heart.

There is an old and frail man in my yoga class, sometime back he had an accident and it took away his ability to stand straight. I shall call him "Lollipop Joe Blue Eyes". He would always give us girls lollipops much to the dismay of the sugar concerned gym administrators. LJ is a constant fixture in the gym and i can only pray that i will be strong enough to take such a tragic accident in my stride as easily as he does. LJ saw me sitting outside the yoga class, and i dunno why, maybe i didn't give him the usual smile, he asked "What's wrong, didn't win the lottery?" I said "no". He says he will see what he can do about it. Funny old guy. I tell him, it's not the lottery i want, and he asks me what then is my pleasure. I tell him, "happiness". Lollipop Joe says, "Don't worry, you'll get there, just take one day at a time, like me".

Hmm. I wonder if i ever can do that. I am a dreamer, we never take one day at a time. Will that ever change?

The teacher announced we would be doing the "calming of the heart" poses today. I almost felt a telekinetic connection with her! How befitting! Just what i needed! I dunno how much that helped though; but i always have more energy and a calm head after a yoga class. I personally would much rather be in a class that moves constantly with rhythm, but i know in the end they don't do me much good. A yoga class is that bitter medicine that i know is good for me if i can just manage to somehow pour it down my throat, cause there will be rewards in the form of Latin dancing or Belly dancing or Kick-boxing or even Steps. So i have learnt to indulge and cleanse. But today we had interesting music, Sanskrit hymns with bagpipes, eh, two of my favorite sounds that i never thought could ever mesh! So it was not as unbearable.

Have been moving around the whole day, so i am beat and ready to call it a night. Maybe tomorrow i will wake up with a calm heart eh? On peut espérer! Ah oui!

Frontline

Yesterday we had a get-together at the department. It was indeed lovely to see the enthusiasm and motivation on part of the would-be teachers. I liked one speaker in particular, a young man who left his high-paying industry job to teach in a high-need school. He gives me reason to have hope for this generation. I have invited him to speak to my class; I think he would be a great role model for my students and help them rise above the trepidation of facing the front line. If you have ever been in a high-need school you’d know what I am talking about. Yep!

My night ended with a big fight with mr. jones. Following which I erased all my recent posts that involved him. Now that’s juvenile! Well, I was mad! How dare he accuses me of thinking of him as nothing but a blog muse! Yes, I muse about him, but if that’s all he sees then he hasn't got a prayer, I'd say! So whatever! Yep!

I am still furious. So I should probably stop writing before I start throwing exclamation points left and right, comme une femme qui couche à droite et à gauche!

Ce qui je peux dire

Today I cleared t/p stage 4. This morning my colleague (also office-mate) visited me and gave me a rather expensive tenure gift! I am pleasantly surprised.

Tomorrow i have french test. I have people in my class who have apparently taken four years of french. Whoa? Just wait until i take four years of french! You will be hard-pressed to tell me apart from a native french speaker. Well, written french wise anyway.

Today is Denim Day here. It's about one's right to wear tight jeans and not have that held against their character in a court case. Hmm, i learn new things every day!

Listen,

Listening to Obama's speech in Indiana...

What can i say but 'wow!'.

9 more to go...this loss will sweep the nation away in his direction.

Je prédis.

Walking

Standing on the edge of an abyss
I hear you call my name
Mirrors break in thousand laughter
Wounds after wounds after wounds
Beckoning depth resonates in night's fibre
The echo cuts through the worlds equal

Ever so abrupt
Like a two-edged sword
Life wields its whim

Whiplash of memories
But I am walking.

And always

Allo papa,

Tu me manques énormément. Quand je me réveille, avant je vais me coucher et dormir, et tout le temps entre les deux, je me toujours demande, où es tu à ce moment précis...

En vain, je me demande.

May it be that you won't see me in tomorrow's game
As stars will brighten up the night sky
May it be that I shall fade away from your mind, and from his
But I shall remain yours always

And always

mm

Un soir plus jeune

Ah, spent the whole day sur mon ordinateur et à la téléphone taking care of conference details. Man! I think i am gonna quit come fall. Truth is, i really am an academic, and being an administrator is kinda wearing me down even though je peux danser la danse à la perfection. But yeah, the good thing was today was also the convocation day. I always enjoy this day, much more than the commencement. After the departmental party some of us headed out for dîner au restaurant local. It was quite nice actually, these gatherings are always more interesting sans les époux. We exchanged old and new dept. secrets almost until midnight. We also conjectured that some of us might have secret fan clubs! If anyone is interested in math professors' dining topics...among other things we discussed the originations of "french kissing", the word "fuck" (Ah, nous pouvons être frivoles aussi!), and played 20-questions to find out which faculty member was the victim of public subjection to a student's obsession...yikes!

Oh boy! I better shut up now, even though i am not drunk. Also found out tonight that mon professeur a parlé à un de mon collègue de moi. Hmm.

C'est au bout de la vieille corde que l'on tisse la nouvelle. Why send this particular proverb? C'est dommage...I am not really much of a signal reader. I am like a man that way! Oui! I don't wait around sending signal playing coy games, i just go for the one i like.

ok, j'ai faim, time for midnight snack, those of you who know me, you know what i am talkin about! Oh, give me a break, it's just an innocent concoction of strawberries, chocolate and whipping cream! A demain, tout le monde!

Pity

Ah, feeling restless...dunno what's gonna happen next. Going to language lab is seeming appealing all of a sudden, just cause...! The voice on the recordings is still the same as it was last quarter, no? Then why does it sound different? And why am i playing it over?

You know what that means, don't you now, Right? I win.

Pity.

Immersed in work, and liking it. C'est autre événement bizzare!

Line in the sand

I am watching the debate and hmm...

I suppose i will have to eat my words. It just might be Hillary's win this time. Not because she is capable. Obama is just not dirty enough to play this game. That two-faced amoral bitch will do anything from standing by her cheating partner to lying through her teeth to stooping lower than low to get an eventual win!! Damn her!

But the question is, are Americans really that naïve?

If you are looking at the polls it is indeed an interesting divide between the democratic supporters. It is not odd that the African Americans are voting for Obama. But take note of the fact that the young and educated minds are voting for Obama, whereas women and older white population are voting for Hillary along with the hard working Hispanic populace. This begs the question, "Do we vote for people we identify with or the causes they stand up for?" But where is the bloody similarity between Hillary (hello, 109 million!) and a low wage earner, eh? What is even more intriguing is that the democrats supporting Hillary say that they will switch to McCain should Obama get the nomination! Whereas Obama supporters will still vote for the democratic nominee, irrespective of the candidate selected. C'est très intéressant, n'est-ce pas? Do you see the distinction now?

As i was driving home, listening to some campus interviews on NPR, i got a glimpse into the mindset of the Hispanic population. As the interviewee put it, "I am not ready to vote for a man of color, a woman, perhaps".

Welcome to America! What can i say, this baby is only 200 years old, and yet to mature! Je pense.

Sigh. Maybe i am just wasting my time trying to understand people, but my scheduled intravenous drips (Men in Trees/Top Chef) do not start until 10:00pm! And hey, it's always a delight to watch George Stephanopoulos! NOT!

Zone blah

I am disappointed in this season’s DWS…blah! Kristi Yamaguchi may be delivering technically good enough performances, but it ain’t cutting it for me, sorry! It’s like one of those light’s on, but no one’s home kinda deal. And what’s up with what’s her name “more bounce for the ounce” (Len, you funny funny old man, you just kill me!) still being on the show? After all, this is a dance competition, America, get glasses! Eh, i don’t want another Marie Osmond, euh, super euh! Oh, but what a joy the little munchkin dancers were tonight! And yeah, beautiful performance to James Blunt’s song! Kudos!

AI is becoming bleugh too. With Johns out of the picture, i am rooting for Archuleta, and the guy whose name i still don’t know! The one who cut his hair, not the one who’s got enough hair to cover three heads!

French prof is getting more animated by the day. Today he sang from La Vie en rouge in class and enlightened us some about French kissing and southern drawls from Marseille! Oh, yeah, another thing, in French, they don’t have a verb for dating. So if you like say, “Je suis sortie avec Paul hier soir” (Last night I went out with Paul), people will be all curious and ask “Tu es sortie avec Paul, ou sortie-sortie?" How funny!

All in all it was a kinda tiring day, with less than five hours of sleep, four hours of classes and don't wanna count hours of conference preparation.

Hot Sunday

It was a hot night and the computer crashed leaving me to re-do the loathsome task of tax. Finally it's done, but my brain is fried from the experience of reading/deciphering/applying too many forms too fast. I was looking forward to write about my Obama vs Hillary analysis in light of the recent upheaval, but i suppose i will hide in my french sanctuary and recuperate instead.

Dizzy

They say two things you can't avoid, much as you might like.

Well, tonight i have been taken hostage by the second. Nuf said!

La corde

C'est au bout de la vieille corde que l'on tisse la nouvelle.

My prof sent us this proverbe this evening along with a Bush-bashing Pink video avec des sous-titres français. Aww, poor old Bush, give him a break. For all his stupid mistakes he is true to himself. I kinda like him, like one likes their pet. This will be a good time to divulge that i have never owned a pet!

But the proverb...I am still thinking about it. Hmm.

Ce soir j'ai découvert que il est un chevalier (des Palmes Académiques)! Mon professeur!

Comment dit-on "Wow!" en français?

Walking on a Möbius strip

The fireflies are really a photoshoped mesh Möbius strip. If you look closely enough.

The strip always intrigued me. And now it feels as if i am walking on one.
Endless. Dual journeys. A twist of fate.

I cleared t/p step 3. Getting closer to the "achievement" i suppose. Hmm. Two people that would have been the proudest. But i don't know how to tell them. My dad. Mr. jones.

So many things i want to tell you mr. jones.

Like i made the highest score in the french class again. And that the prof asked me to skip the next course and go to 200 level when he read my compositions!

Like how much i needed you now. To cry with me. Both break down and cry. Like our song. To wrap me in the warmth of your soul and lull me to sleep. The way only you can. To wake up with me and give me hope to carry on. To never give up on me. No matter how weak or wretched i feel, to always pick me up and carry me. C'est toi. That's the you i know.

Do you miss me sometimes? And tell me mr. jones, does it make you shudder...should you ever measure the depth of that longing?

Life runs parallel. Pourquoi?

Just like that

I like the end of the day, when the sun turns golden and the birds chirp for one last time. Often i lie on my couch and just enjoy a moment or two, empty of any thoughts. Just like that.

It has been four weeks. Since i have been living in an alternate world. An ocean with no shores, a lighthouse that went dark on me.

My grief had the potential to obliterate me. So i held it inside and raised a dam around it. I appear composed. Of my work and my studies. Math and french.

Where did you go without telling me? It's dark and i can't see. For all the fire that burned you down, my world is still dark. For all the lofty words of wisdom that were pronounced, my world is but of a sole dimension of despair. Open your eyes and look at me papa, raise your hands to bless me once more. Help me be strong. Hold my hand, papa, don't let go.

Cold. Your hands were cold. Beat... beat... beat ............... beat................ beat. Beat no more. That easy? So much love. Gone. That easy? So much life, knowledge, courage, ideals. Gone. That easy? "Watch over me?" you mumbled as you went to sleep. No one could hear. You were sleeping and I couldn't watch over you. I couldn't reach. I failed. Oh god, you needed me and i wasn't there. Eyes looking up, searching. No one in sight. No one. No goodbyes.

You left. Just like that. World changed in a blink. Just like that.

So i sit here and write, and i search for peace. In futile? I ask myself. I watch over the walls of my dam, lest they buckle and wash me away. Wash me ashore?

Choreibeiti. How long? How much more long?

Des images floues

La semaine dernière a été très difficile pour moi. Nous sommes retournées d'Inde, et nous n'avons pas eu envie de faire n'importe quoi.

Non. Vraiment pas.

Pourtant, j'ai de faire beaucoup de devoirs. Par exemple, j'ai enseigné deux cours; mardi et mercredi, et continué mon travail de grant. Donc, j'ai rencontré mes collegues mercredi et doneé des directions à mon nouvel assistant de grant. En plus, j'ai commencé mon cours (deuxième) de français et fini mes devoirs. Mais, j'apprecié mes cours de français toujours, et le mot 'devoir' est plutôt un appelletion impropre pour moi. Actuellement, mes études sont la seule consolation au temps présent. Parce que mon père (qui est décédé le mois dernièr) a été un professeur et il a apprecié études avant tout. Comment je le fais aussi. J'ai aussi cuisiné quelquefois pendant la semaine dernière, et nettoyé mon appartement/lavé mes vetements etc...

Ce sont des images toutes floues.