Just like that

I like the end of the day, when the sun turns golden and the birds chirp for one last time. Often i lie on my couch and just enjoy a moment or two, empty of any thoughts. Just like that.

It has been four weeks. Since i have been living in an alternate world. An ocean with no shores, a lighthouse that went dark on me.

My grief had the potential to obliterate me. So i held it inside and raised a dam around it. I appear composed. Of my work and my studies. Math and french.

Where did you go without telling me? It's dark and i can't see. For all the fire that burned you down, my world is still dark. For all the lofty words of wisdom that were pronounced, my world is but of a sole dimension of despair. Open your eyes and look at me papa, raise your hands to bless me once more. Help me be strong. Hold my hand, papa, don't let go.

Cold. Your hands were cold. Beat... beat... beat ............... beat................ beat. Beat no more. That easy? So much love. Gone. That easy? So much life, knowledge, courage, ideals. Gone. That easy? "Watch over me?" you mumbled as you went to sleep. No one could hear. You were sleeping and I couldn't watch over you. I couldn't reach. I failed. Oh god, you needed me and i wasn't there. Eyes looking up, searching. No one in sight. No one. No goodbyes.

You left. Just like that. World changed in a blink. Just like that.

So i sit here and write, and i search for peace. In futile? I ask myself. I watch over the walls of my dam, lest they buckle and wash me away. Wash me ashore?

Choreibeiti. How long? How much more long?