Happy B'day, Sis...

I admit that i hid it. I hid it well and deep. So no, you won't find it if you came looking for it. I wish i could share it with you. I know how you hurt, how much you miss him. Especially today of all days, and i wish i could lend you a shoulder. But they are still stiff in resignation, and my posture aloof. I don't know how to let you in. I am alone in my grief.

If only i could breathe
Maybe you can see me cry
If only i could drown
Perhaps i can let out that sigh

But i cannot move. I can't breathe, i can't drown. For i am still standing here. So i cower. An awkward silence, a quick change of the subject, a desparate grasp at my funny joking self. In my feeble attempt to cheer you up. That's all i can offer you.

Ah, forgive me! That i cannot be there for you.

I am not there yet.