Rosalinds

I read through my tears and then sat crying and then pondering vacuously as Rosalind made "the decision" and watch Amory walk out of her life. My mind screamed in silence with Amory's vocal whys. Why, why why? Oh do make me see why!

R: Don't look so consciously suffering.

A: What power we have of hurting each other!

R: It's been so perfect---you and I. So like a dream that I'd longed for and never thought I'd find. The first real unselfishness I've ever felt in my life. And I can't see it fade out in a colorless atmosphere!

A: It won't-it won't!

R: Amory, you're young. I'm young. People excuse us now for our poses and vanities...they excuse us now. But you've got a lot of knocks coming to you---

A: And you're afraid to take them with me.

R: No, not that. There was a poem I read somewhere...To have and to hold---and in time let go.

A: But we haven't had! We've got to take our chance for happiness.

R: Dawson says I'd learn to love him.

What do the Rosalinds of the worlds see that the Amorys can never comprehend? Have they already taken the chance in their minds' eyes and seen it all fail miserably, beauty pale and love pass, or do they cage their true selves so the Amorys can fly high and be all they are destined to be?

At this point i don't even want to know. My heart is not into anything now. Let it all wait when i curl up into a ball and forget the world. Why should i even care? What's the point?

All the years of never to see you, never to kiss you, just a gate shut and barred---

I'm sorry, Scott F. I truly am.

Il a dit

Courtesy Scott F.

"ROSALIND is---utterly ROSALIND. She is one of those girls who need never make the slightest effort to have men fall in love with them. Two types of men seldom do: dull men are usually afraid of her cleverness and intellectual men are usually afraid of her beauty. All others are hers by natural prerogative."

Ah, Scott, i suppose you were category 3? Sorry, this made me laugh for quite a while so i thought i would share with you.

C'est comment

on verge of turning limp
the limbs but only stiffen
and tears crystallize
upon the icy stares
resolute, the jaws hold their place
should the lips falter and tremble

in a swirling waft around me they rise
and snuff out heart's outcry

If my weakness ever dare show, it is destined to be taken hostage.

You see Orpheus, i am not like you. Not at all. I am but a slave of my will.

Tell me then my friend, how can i rescue you?

Spotless mind

Bonsoir, tout le monde! ça va bien?

My crazy week is in full swing. I am making a decent 10-12 hour shift a day, e.g., i just got home...hmm...feeling quite sleepy actually (say what!). Monday was an exception, but let's not talk about Monday. Hmm! Okay, moving on, mardi, mercredi, jeudi...mal, bien, pas mal...

Wonder why mercredi gets a bien? But of course, the french class! By some fluke i produced almost a spotless exam, or maybe the mojo is back, who knows! But that's not it. We saw a little b&w cartoon movie on crabs which produced quite an effect on my mood. hehe, je l'ai aimé beaucoup. How one little adventurous crab overcame the pseudo-constriction of the shell, learned to change his linear motion and thus caused quite a non-linear movement in the crab world.

Now that's my kind of crab! Oh, learned some useful slang too! A good one was, 'j'ai foutu!' As usual the curious Georgina here asked the prof what it meant (root-wise) and was given a pc 'i am done for'. Unsatisfied, she pestered for the infinitive ('Mais professeur, quel est le verbe qui donne le mot foutu au passé composé?') This he had to answer. But of course! Foutre=Fuck! Ja'i foutu = I am fucked! LOL...needless to say this jewel of a knowledge made my classmates very happy. Prof went on to say that there exist other rather grass root meanings, but i shall kindly spare you those as it may just be too graphic for public consumption. :-P

I think i like being an advisor, in fact je pense que i make a damn good one! So that's something i am enjoying quite a bit these days. And my math class is fun of course. Although we have embarked upon error analysis and i never found anyone who was really interested in that. I mean error bounds etc. are fine, but like clockwork students freeze on track the moment i introduce backward error analysis. It is a rather odd concept if you think about it. Instead of solving a problem approximately and analysing the error, let us we solve a slightly erroneous problem exactement. Raise your hand if you got that. Hmm, another approach is in order, wonder if i can draw a parallel using humans, ah, worth a try.

Almost ran over a racoon last night while driving back home on the dark road! He darted out from a bush but saw the headlight of my car and quickly darted back. This raised my already high faith in the quick wit of the racoonkind. Par exemple, no self-respecting alaskan racoon would ever claim that s/he can see russia from their crib, nor would they conspire on tape while under investigation for criminal charges. I tell you, there exist more intelligent racoons than human beings, percentage-wise.

Hi there head-in-cloud, tell me, qu'est-ce qui s'est passé ce matin?

I have no idea what you are talking about!

Mercredi après-minuit...il était trois heures et demie...qui l'a dit...

Allo mon ami, tu t'es endormi?
de quoi rêves-tu?
can i sit by your bed and watch you sleep?
i will try not to feel anything.
anything at all.

Essayez.

Oh it's what you do to me

Delilah I can promise you

That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to

Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me

Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you

Magic charm

Getting ready for a loaded week (or two). Starting with french midterm, oh about in two hours. Je pense que i have lost my french mojo, so as per l'instruction de monsieur j, i am hanging in there until i get my mojo back. Wish me luck!

The weeks are loaded, for it's interview time again! You'd think what with all the budget cuts we would be scrambling to keep everyone employed, but not us. We are hiring with mucho gusto. So let's see, between two depts hiring 4 candidates, i have 6 interviews to make, 12 talks to attend and 24 social meals to endure. C'est pas possible! So i have to be choosy. Well, i can't really avoid the first 6 interviews, but let's just say i will only attend the talks if i like their resumes, and i will only make the lunch/dinner if i take to the talks (or the candidate :-P) . hehe, see how biased i am!

Seriously, that's how it goes though. (Here i make a vow to never be on the hiring committee, in writing, as a self-reminder).

If you thought my last post was odd, then you should take a look at the names of the candidates. Not one familiar name! Each comes with its own intricate spelling and i am sure more intricate pronunciation which i will only find out later. But not a problem for me. My memory is razor-sharp and my tongue can roll with the same flexibility with which a circle creates an astroid, cusp to cusp. LOL.

I am kinda chuckling here thinking of a class i teach on college instruction, where at least one lecture is spent on how to land that dream job. Can't tell you why though, i have taken the oath of confidentiality!

Yikes, look at the time! I gotta go!

Say my name

If you ever read any work of Dale Carnegie, you'd know that people's names are kinda important to them. Indeed you can get far with even difficult people just by addressing them by their first names especially by hitting that correct pronunciation for the unfamiliar ones. It not only shows that you cared to remember their names but made an effort to say it the right way.

Lesson 1: Their way.

So it's important for me to know the names of all my students, no matter how many, 15 or 50. Also, i never shorten them, unless they ask me to. That's another thing. It is rather impolite to shorten someone's name without their permission. Je pense. This reminds me, when i joined my dept, oh like light-years back, most of my colleagues used the usual first three lettered version of my name, except one who asked me what would i prefer to be called. I told him that people who can say my rather long and hard to pronounce name are directly sent to my short-list. He was a wise man. :-P To this day he is on my short-list. Rest of them wised up pretty soon though and followed suit. So yeah, see how that went?

Lesson 2: Don't be presumptuous.

On the other hand, if you know someone, like really know them, then my dears, you can get away with calling them pretty much anything. :) Most of my closest friends just use my first initial and it is endearing. Cela dit, don't stop yourself from uttering that name! Once in a while, go pick up all those letters, hard and soft, long and short, don't be afraid to use that tongue of yours, and hit that name just right.

Let them know, really, what's in a name.

Je me comprends. Mais comprenez-vous?

Scott F on Cross Trainers

I have been feeling restless all day today.

Can't even still my mind long enough to do my french devoir.

Just one of those days.

That one hour in gym was the only pause. Funny how physical movements can induce mental stillness. It was not completely still though. I had Fitzgerald (This side of paradise...yes yes, i am still on it) keeping my mind company as i enjoyed my new found toy, aka the elliptical. Hmm, i think this may just be the only machine i will ever take to. I dunno why, but i never liked them before, seemed kinda like moon-walk, mais une version plus drôle! Ah who i am kidding, it still super funny lookwise, but it's kinda fun! Fun that i can partake in for one non-stop hour.

Okay, who wants to hear a passionate discussion on ellipticals? Ah, not me!

Where does the name Amory come from? Amour? Hmm. If Amory is really Scott F, then i wonder why he labels himself as a mediocre poet and an inadequate sensualist. I mean his ideas maybe underwhelming (Of course there are exceptions, such as O Russett Witch!) but man, what lines! Words playing against words in effortless harmony creating beautiful music that can only be read. I am still stuck in Spires and Gargoyles where a decadent Amory is trying to decide what his projected personality should be. I left him as he began contemplating being a Cynical Idealist.

I wonder if FSF had a restless mind. Mais oui! I hear he stilled it with gin primarily. Alors, ce n'est pas une bonne solution pour moi!

Cela dit, j'admets que j'ai sommeil enfin! Mais j'ai faim aussi. Quelle situation difficile!

Au revoir, tout le monde!

Ne lisez pas

Don't go too deep into the flood
Don't wade too long
You'll poison my love
Don't shut me out
Don't hold it all in
Don't let my venom get under your skin
Cause every word and every turn
Every sign points to your hurt
With every hour you're drifting farther away...

Darn this song... il a plu ce soir quand la chanson a joué, et il a plu tellement...

By the way

A quick note before i head out...

This year's Oscar emcee is Hugh Jackman!

Three hours of Wolverine! Yeah baby!

p.s. Last night's Top Chef merits an entry. Perhaps tonight.

Bienvenu!

Wow, i dunno if it's all the excitement for tomorrow or that 7:00pm tea, but as you can see, i am not in bed! Hey, given a choice, i would be in DC right now! :) I watched people gathering up by the throngs huddled en mass and excited, unfazed by the cold weather, cheering and waving their signs. Newscasters interviewing historians, contemplating if the speech will fall in line with Lincoln's second inaugural address or be a mélange of MLK and Lincoln etc etc...

Hmm...i wonder if he can sleep tonight...

It's been a year since i came to know him. I mean i have heard his name and saw him on TV, but with my usual apathy for ambitious politicians, brushed him aside as a rookie wannabe. Until that day when i was driving back home and switched the station to NPR. On came this voice, halfway through an interview, joking about how he did not prep for THE question (What's your biggest weakness?) and offered his cluttered desk as his answer. As i kept on listening, without any clue as to the owner of the voice, i knew i was going to like this man. When the interview ended and the interviewer thanked senator Obama, i was hooked for the very first time in my life, by a politician. I knew then and there that this was the man who will draw me out to that voting booth for my maiden vote, and thousand others who thus far refused to participate in the farce that signifies power changing hands, one corrupt owner to the next.

And oh yes, how he proved me right!

Merci! May you now go on to bring that change in the world. Steady the gait with wisdom, ride fierce with your energy, rapture through barriers with your passion. Look after the weak, seek help from the strong. Free the tortured, bring the oppressors to justice, humans and nature alike.

Safeguard my faith.

Welcome home, Mister President.

The present is but a buffer

I am taking a break from conjuring up a rebuttal. Aren't they always fun to write? Just the right blend of logic and knowledge of your opponent and you hit a home run. :-P Suffices to say that yours truly has never fired a blank! The moral here is Butting heads is never any fun for either head, but butt heads with me at your own risk dear, hehe, this reminds me of the angry math prof and the infamous exponential series check written to Verizon Wireless. Check it out here http://www.runryder.com/helicopter/t424824p1/ for a math laugh.

Man, i spent 5 hours on the phone yesterday, well, in my defense only one call originated from my phone! And that it was Sunday, and that us girls gab! Hmph, not all callers were girls but ...LOL. Then on my way back from my walk, i stopped by the park again and watched children playing. If anyone is looking for purpose in their lives i suggest drawing in from these innocent faces, hope and audacity alike. Sure, go ahead and learn from history, but have the balls to be a teacher to your future.

I will be visiting two bays in Feb and March. E-bay and M-bay. hahahahaha. Sorry, sounds weird! A bunch of us from work are going together to the second venue. Although i have been to M-bay many times, i never took a trip with this group of mine, petite moi and all married men :-P. (Yeah, i got groups, and i don't like to mix them!) Should be fun. We might go for wine-testing en route, ah, but the proposer didn't know que je n'aime pas de vin!

As for the first one, i have never been there, but there is always that first time, no?

And when i asked R,

Here's what she said to me...

Ce qui sera, sera, whatever will be, will be.

Joie de vivre

Truth be told, it was not all that bad. Pas vraiment. Le premier part du dernier jour.

I hung out with mini me mostly. Among other things, i took her out for a long walk in the sun which turned out to be a semi-run on my part, while all she wanted was a leisurely walk. As a compensation, we took a break on the park bench, rather a stony ledge, and perused babies.

Babbling, cooing, conferring children of all ages. An old man playing with a bunch of kids sporting weapons ranging from wood sticks to plastic swords, unperturbed by the fact that his sword was an empty plastic water bottle, making him lose left and right. Dads and moms tending to the littlest ones while the older ones tended to the younger brothers or sisters. Toddlers with earnest faces discussing the next life-altering adventures. Ah man, i could watch them endlessly! The weird things they do, how they all get entirely focused on things in their own little worlds. Worlds where imaginations run wild, mischiefs twinkle and every unexpected fall comes paired with an innate ability to rise.

Hmph! Reminds me of the golden days of my childhood. In hindsight, i should have just refused to grow up!

I won't deny that there exist some uber yumm adult perks though. Eh monsieur j? Vous êtes d'accord? :-P...souvent, j'ai ce rêve de nous, where you stand still ...quand je m'enroule autour de vous, lentement mais sûrement je tombe sur vous, comme la nuit tombe sur son jour...

Oops, no time to be naughty now... mais je vous y dirai un autre temps!

C'est toi

Don’t know what transpired between now and then, but i feel calm. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and something told me that it will be all right.

Oh, it will be all right!

sit down then kitty cat, curl up
hold me tight?
yes
i can even fall asleep?
yes
what will you do then?

i will stroke your hair, endless
rest my hand on you
watch it rise and fall as you breathe
nudge you up to my chest
and fall asleep with you

Pillow talk

Last quarter moon is 50% lit. Et moi?

C's dad passed away this week. I didn't know. She left in a hurry. Now i know he was terminally ill and that's why she went home in December. We hung out for hours and hours, laughed and joked, talked men and stuff, and i didn't know. I wish she had told me, but then i understand why she didn't. You don't want anyone to know that you are not emotionally solvent. Audible laughter quietens silent sighs, witty jokes hasten to clothe naked emptiness, you surround yourself with multitude of people just so you don't bare the solitary you.

Only the pillow knows, and the night stars.

Sigh.

I have been quiet myself. Here at least. I came here a few times, but i couldn't write. I would tell you why if i knew it myself. Maybe i should stop right here, my mood is off tonight.

I wish mr jones was here, he always knows how to put a smile on my sad face.

Fortunately!

Brace yourself, you're in for some math!

There are three theorems you cannot escape if you were a math major. Those are the three fundamental theorems; the fundamental theorem of arithmetic, the fundamental theorem of algebra, and the fundamental theorems of calculus.

For public consumption i will take some liberty and smooth out the mathematical complexity. :-P. So in very simple terms, the first implies that every composite integer (>1) can be factored into primes uniquely (e.g. 12=2^2*3^1) where the second merely states that a polynomial of nth degree with complex coefficients has exactly n complex roots e.g., the cubic p(x) = x^3+8 has three roots -2, 1+sqrt(-3), 1-sqrt(-3). The third i will spare you, but it suffices to say the twin theorems make explicit the inverse nature of the connection between the concepts of differentiation and integration. So, if you derived the constant function 1 from the function x, then you need to integrate 1 to get back to x, will be an example, crudely presented.

Hidden within each theorem are some cautionary details. The first lets you switch the order of the said unique factorisation, the second lets you accept multiplicity of a root to fulfill the count of n, while the third admits that the crucial inverse link is, um, one injection short of an isomorphism.

No matter how fundamental the premise of a structure appears, it is no more fundamental than the axioms it is built on. Axioms proposed and accepted by human beings. Sans preuve.

Sometimes life's like math. Much as you like to deny it. We see it all the time. Human beings adhering to structures pre-defined for them by someone else long long time back. Simply because it makes them feel defined and thereby, safe.

Then again, not all of us are in need of a definition. Some of us just know better.

Just passing by

Glad that Boss won the GG for original song. Just when i think you can't get any better, you prove me wrong. Je t'applaudis!

Mickey Rourke made me sad with one comment that Kate's thousand tears couldn't. Sigh. Men are such adorable creatures. Unfortunately only understood by their dogs and if really really lucky, by their women.

Kudos to SM. To me it's still a bit Bollywood-y, but then that's me! Hmph. I wish the GG had brought in little Jamal as a presenter instead of The King Khan. Ooh! Could that boy be any cuter? And what performance!

Yay for Madmen.

David Duchovny and Colin Farrell appeared to be high. What's your reason, David?

Seth Rogen appeared on stage all cleaned up! Oops! Wonder if he heard my comment from the other night...lol.

p.s. Kate, you are a great actress, but let's leave some composure for the stage too, eh? That is if you would like to belong to the class of Judy Denches and Emma Thompsons. Or Sally Hawkins for that matter.