Fermez mes yeux

For the last couple of hours i have been trying to study for the french final, with no luck. Bad bad hang-over from the last night. I swear on Samantha's integrity, all i had was one cosmopolitan with the girls! Well, either my drink was spiked or i must be coming down with something, haha most likely the latter. Stop laughing silly girl, i gotta recover by tomorrow as i need to be grading those comps and definitely not UI. Ah, i guess the year's winding down and so am i.

One thing that the sleep-doc had said kinda stuck with me. Nights have a tendency to unmask what the days might mask. Well, not in those words, obviously, lol...but it got me thinking. What are my days masking up? Je me demande...

Tell me mr jones, for you know me better than i would ever know myself. Come in my dreams and tell me. Avec tes yeux. Look at me, yeux émeraudes, permettez-moi de le trouver dans vos yeux. Heal me. Only you can. C'est seulement dans vos yeux que je vois ma mort.

Dans la mort je serai le vôtre pour toujours. Fermez mes yeux, mon amour, s'il vous plaît, et je vous ferai le même. Tenez-moi loin de moi, tenez-moi dans vous, dans vous toujours. Et je vous rendrai le même.

A "big" night

Wow...i am kinda drunk from all the babbling that i did today and all the sleep i didn't get last night...

But, time to get dressed up, and go pay my homage to 4 NY women...there you have it, the jig's up! SATC used to be my secret indulgence...

Un film bien recommandé

Today was the last day of class pour petite moi, work-wise. Ah, i could almost smell the summer, man...time to break out that new maillot de bain, et c'est de la couleur rouge si je peux dévoiler...(:

Ah, i can't wait!

I will be like mr. dude the whole summer, um, the clean version of course, both dirt and drug wise. hahahahaha. By the way, I love that one, Big Lebowski. Now that's a film i can recommend. If you wanna learn something about how to use your camera brilliantly, it's a must-see. Ditto for dream sequences, humor and kick-ass casting. You go, Coen bros!

My fav lines (um, supposedly the F count of the movie is 281, so pardon my french, lol):

"All the dude ever wanted... was his rug back."

"Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fuckin' sympathy, man, I need my fucking johnson!"

"The dude abides"

The last line is in complete conflict with my own philosophy, but i get it nonetheless. And i neither bowl, nor drive around without purpose, nor do i do acid...lol, but je le comprends et je l'aime (mr. dude) any-fuckin-way!

That's the beauty of a film well done.

To the next one

Sleepy. Very. Too many meetings in the span of the last 10 hours. The last one was productive and i was looking forward to it, but altogether they were just too many for one day. Brain-freeze!

I swear, come summer you will only find me in one place. In the pool. I cut my hair, sorry mr. jones, they were getting to be too long for le sport de natation.

I got tired of my face, so the fireflies are back. Yay! And i missed my Möbius strip. Lol, if i didn't know myself better i would perhaps identify the above as some sort of anti narcissistic gestures. Now that ain't an accusation a Leo would ever have to confront! Phew!

Having hard time deciding on my next profession, criminal law or criminal psychology. Eh, i am interested in studying the deviant minds, just cause! (haha, i am not crazy though, trust me, very very sane i am). But criminal law is equally attractive. Hmm! Well, whatever i choose i figure 8 years should be enough to complete that education on the side.

My mind's going blank, post is my witness. I gotta get meself some shut eyes. Perhaps some ice-cream will help. Que dites-vous?

Mes amis silencieux

"Serene, I fold my hands and wait..."

Thus starts the profound verse written by J. Burroughs. One of my favorites as you can tell from the title of this blog. The ones i turn to for hope, solace and wisdom. At broken roads.

My silent friends.

Yesterday i visited a dainty city at a mountainside. It was my maiden visit. I had forgotten that mr. jones and tonu were once gonna take their respective trains there - la ville à près de mer entre leurs deux villes. But they got too busy trying to protect each other. From one another.

Pity.

Then it just may be that they are the wise ones. A touched love is but an oasis turned mirage. N'est-ce pas?

O, tell me not...!

Did i get a glimpse of those two as i drove along the long winding road past the ocean? Through the dusky mist of a cold afternoon did i see mr. jones and his tonu walking hand in hand, barefoot ...on the virgin sand... of a shore untouched...her long hair flying in the salty wind, his tall frame at a slight bent to merge with the slight frame of hers...

I did not know if anyone could see them. But i think i did.

Et peut-être mes amis silencieux.

Let go

Man! Mother Nature does get away with terrible mood swings! Yesterday she pulled off a couple of tornadoes, a dash of flash flood, and three inches of hail, all in a day's work here in S C. But all I got was rain. For days it was scorching hot, then it was terribly windy, and yesterday as i was driving to school, it finally turned into rain. Anger, frustration, and finally pain.

In steps. Almost reluctantly she gave it up. First it was two drops on my windshield. Then a few more. By the time i was walking to my class, it was a full-blown tear-work. Everyone got drenched. Ah, sweet Murphy's law.

I think jacaranda trees are sad too. First wind, then rain. Beautiful violet crowns crushed and scattered. Hopefully they will bloom again.

I got the result of my sleep-study today. Wait till you hear this. All they found was...that I demonstrated an increased level of delta-sleep!! Translated, i proved that i was sleep-deprived. Um, ok, i actually knew that already! Ah, sometimes i think doctors are just so bloody tunnel-visioned and analytically challenged. They should take at least a year of problem solving courses teaching them how to diagnose and treat people, taking into consideration the whole picture that each person depicts. So whatever! I was prescribed some sleep med. Another whatever.

Commencement is upon us in two weeks. I wasn't gonna go, but i have been asked to hood students. Hmm...tiny problem with that. Those of you who don't know me, je suis petite. Oh well, they just have to bow down i guess. lol, a dry lol.

I am writing a damn proposal. I will go back to it now.

Something is bothering me and it's not work.

Sigh. Let go. Like mother Nature. Just let go.

Teach me how.

Shame on you, Jon!

It's a windy windy day here. Leaves are blowing all over the place, endless rows of jacaranda trees are unwillingly layering the streets with violet velvet, Marilyn Monroe incidents are occurring left and right.

I wanted to sleep in. Sadly i had to drag my half-asleep self to school for meetings and such. I can't wait for this A-year to be over so i can finally sleep. While the meetings were productive, my video-camera misbehaved again and i was not sure if i got all the footage from my class. I suppose it is time to say goodbye to him, and invest in a younger and sleeker one.

Three new things over the weekend:

1) My sleep-study: The less one knows about it, the better it is for them. I was turned into a walking talking surge protector, except that you need to multiply the typical number of wires by 10. The accommodation looked and felt like a 5-star hotel, the technician was very attentive, so yeah i guess they did their best to balance it out. It did give me some pause as I thought about the people that pass their lives stuck to a machine and the mental strength it takes. It also kept me up for better part of the night. At 5:30 am I was woken up and sent home. Boo-hoo. But on the plus side, i saw mr. sun come up and realized that i liked the dawn just as well as i did the dusk. Just needed a reminder.

2) Playing beer pong: I went to a graduation party. I disgraced myself by not placing the ball in the cup but fortunately was not forced to drink the terrible thing called diluted beer. Instead i indulged in a tequila shot contest and stood my ground with the best of the shot-takers. Pat, pat.

3) Male classical dancers: I went to a see the performance of a dance troupe that came all the way from India. I am not new to Indian classical music or dance, but i have never witnessed such thunderous performance by jewelry-clad heavily made up men. Huh! Exquisite is the word i am looking for. Also, there was a piece on ah, how shall i say, ahem, lovers' coitus? lol. A very unabashed - almost objective portrayal of acts a to z; which distinctly had some o's in the middle, from what i could tell. And tell I could. For i am well-versed in the ancient Indian language of Sanskrit in which the songs were written. haha, Même si je pensais qu'elle ne s'en servirait pas, la langue s'avéra utile en fin de compte.

I ended my week with some delicious sea-food, pinkberry yogurt and Iron Man. What a bloody waste of Downey's epic talent and those lips and eyes that can wield a consummation with a mere expression. To put that face in a mask is a bloody shame. I'll say! And oh yeah, putting Gwenth Paltrow opposite Downey is like...is like, see what it does to me, i am lost for word! There was better chemistry between Terrance Howard and Downey even. That reminds me of my old beef, I simply couldn't fathom how GP managed an academy award for SIL, while Joseph Fiennes' poignant portrayal of the bard's misery got zilch. Unfair, unfair.

Primitive

My brain has shut off from over-work. Blah-blah-blah-blank. Nothing comes to mind but hunger and sleep.

French test. Was good. I think.

Time to let go of the reign.

Eeeek!

Crazy busy.

Stuff like new RFPs, comps, organizational and planning meetings have sneaked up on me in the remaining two weeks of the A-year. Ah, just when i was about to exhale.

Lots have happened in this past weekend but no time to Babble-LOG, damnit!

p.s.: Studying for the french test. In the battle between various nuances of reflexive verbs and me, i must win. So far i am going strong at 99% and i gotta keep it that way or better. Cause we are expecting some home-baked madeleines from the prof., if and only if, the class average remains above 85%. (hehe, he made sure to emphasize the and only if part knowing this tricky tricky math dudette's presence in his class)

Blah, blah, blah

This afternoon i got the final recommendation letter from the president. I am now officially TP-ed. I should be celebrating. But i don't feel a thing. That's just me i guess. All over the campus people are arranging for celebratory parties and heaving sighs of relief or just freaking out (the other end). Well, congratulations to all my colleagues who made it. And those who didn't, my message for them is - This is not the end of you. So say "whatever!" and move on.

Whatever. I picked up that word from mr jones. In my opinion it hides age-old wisdom of detachment, you just have to know how to say it.

Tonight is girls' night out and also D's lunar b'day. That calls for un bon gâteau.

Ok, time to fill out the 6-page sleep questionnaire. C'est dommage! I wanted to work on creating my comprehensive reflexive verbs table, which could have been very useful for all my fellow students as well, but not enough time. Perhaps tomorrow.

'tis a consummation

Mockingbird is not letting me sleep. Now that i know that it's just that one bird, it does feel like it's mocking me. My sleeplessness. A student in french class suggested that i should probably shoot it. How terrible - to kill a mockingbird? ok, now that was terrible! Goes to show what lack of sleep can do to your wit.

Tomorrow i go in for a sleep-study. Not looking forward to it. But curious nonetheless.

Bored to the brink of my nocturnal existence.

The silent noise

Sometimes i feel detached from everything. Everything but things pure, such as nature, truth or knowledge. And children.

I could be at a gathering, a conference, you'd see me smiling, perhaps chatting up a storm, or taking over the room, but i am not there in the consciousness of my soul, i am but floating mindlessly across the sea of noise.

The debris of human noise.

The frivolous me, the rambunctious me, the pensive me, the officious me ...i look at those reflections, but from afar. Lest i be maligned by my own cacophony.

In the sea of noise mine is the silent one. It has always been that way.

Imagine

Salut, tout le monde! I put my :-P (sticking my tongue out at mr. jones) picture as a reward to all my devoted readers LOL ...although i had to shield it somewhat to protect my colleagues/students from a lifetime of scarring should they ever chance upon my blog!

Ahhh, reflexive verbs are bugging me, i better study, man. Test number 3 coming up. Ooh, today i spoke french with super-yummy french dude from my building. Finally! He is impressed with my progress from the last time we spoke (duh! last time we conversed in English). He asked me to knock on his door at any time and said "N'hestitez pas, d'accord?" as he left. Sûrement pas! Damnit, he is just too bloody cute! The kind that makes you giggle like a schoolgirl for no good reason! LOL

Remember all the chirping birds from last night? Today i was told by one of my colleagues that it might be just one bird. A mocking-bird. They can mimic the songs of all other birds and do so to protect their nest... and they are nocturnal. Say what! My only knowledge of mockingbird was via Gregory Peck...so i looked 'em up, and here is the link for you.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mockingbird

I am deeply perturbed by the earthquake in China, it's horrendous the way so many children died. Ah, nothing i can do but exert some shallow gesture of sending money. Well, some day i am gonna do something real to pitch in, and mr jones, when that day comes, i am gonna hold you to your promise. Yes, that one.

WUI

Bad wild fire near Mount Baldy and birds are still chirping at 12:30 am. Poor things are afraid and damn, i can't sleep either. I should be hitting the sack like a load of, well a load of something, cause i was bloody wiped out after that terrific step/sculpt class, but, no! i had to go and do yoga and now i can't sleep with all the new burst of energy!

Boo-hoo.

After some unnecessary surfing (lol, i amaze myself with the stuff i look up! hello mr jones, love ya babe!) and looking askew at david spade on jimmy kimmel, my eyes are hurting just from sheer boredom and i am trying my best to channel it into slumber.

I am thinking of pulling a surprize for prof, and i am sure mr. french would love it! :) It's his b'day this Thursday...so i'm thinkin, y'know fishnet stalkings, short short skirts and 6 gorgeous girls (hehe, including me) from six different countries wearing make-up that screams, y'know, well -you know!! haha, oopsy, hmm, what about the lone boy in the class? Ah, just pimp him up...6:1 ratio sounds just about perfect, lol, trust me, i am not drunk, just high on yoga.

I should probably bow down and say a prayer, for Jason and Christian were saved today. But i am sore. Instead i will stand up and say this. Ta-ta, Mari-baby!

ok, birds have stopped chirping, so should i! A demain!

Len is my man

Ok, i have got to say something. I completely agree with Len. Jason and Christian get my vote with the first round tonight. Jason is so bloody elegant, like an endless black mamba, and what a lovely choreography, hats off to Edyta! And Christian, now he just makes me blush with his sudden flash of a vulnerable smile and that one-arm strong-handling of the two-time winner Cheryl.

Things i look for are simple. Technique, content/choreography, chemistry, sensuality, elegance and that certain je ne sais quoi that ties all these in. The last one, you just have to be born with. Sorry Kristy and Marissa. It just ain't there, my dears.

ok, back to DWTS.

Waitin

I was supposed to spend my Sunday night writing letters of kinds different. A trial by declaration to contest my traffic ticket, a recommendation letter or two and some official shit I have been putting on the back burner. Instead i spent those 5 hours with mr. jones. Our usual dances, jive, foxtrot, waltz, samba, a bit of this, a bit of that but always always ending with an unpredictable Paso Doble. Needless to say i thoroughly enjoyed our encounter, bruises and all. Followed by two posts to declare and decipher the thoughts of my confused mind. LOL. But i love him so! Oh i so do! (Agh, gush much, R? Oh f**kin shut up, L)

Anyway, this morning took care of all that. Surprisingly the TBD letter took me 15 min, whereas trying to print a damn satellite map took me like an hour. I am excited and will let you know how my trial turns out. Almost got a chill when i saw people v "my name" on that form! Ah, i must take that LSAT even if for once.

So nice to see Obama's face (last time it was a weird half Obama-half Hillary face that scared me!) on Time's cover. Not because of my April 22 prediction on face of his loss (although no harm in boasting eh? :-P). But because of all the things that he can be and do for people. In him i trust. Don't get me wrong, i have nothing against McCain, just that he is kinda old and oh yeah, Republican!

Three more weeks until this academic year ends! Wheeee!

Rising to fall

Just don't know what happened last night. Confused. But if i have realized one thing it is that we can't say goodbye. If that means saying goodbye to me as i know, i will. Pour toi mon amour, je serai n'importe quoi. Wow! Didn't see that coming!

C'est pas parc'que tu es moi, mais parc'que je suis toi.

Is this what it is? Love? Lines blurred, arms down, surrender myself, for my defeat is my victory? Question no more, for i understand? Fight no more, for he is i? Search no more, for i am home?

Hmm.

Je pense que le match est bien fini, mon roi. Car la reine, elle est à toi.

Adieu

Some times it's holding on that makes you strong. Some times it's letting go.

Adieu... mon petit roi. Je désire bonheur et la paix de l'âme pour toi.

Touchdown!

The moment a child is born marks the birth of a mother as well.

The woman emerging as a mother. Man, what a pleasure it is to watch 'em grow! The baby and the mother - enriching each other in ways insurmountable. Nothing you can ever do or accomplish to replicate that feeling of re-birth and what comes after. It's an honor to be a mom and a recognition in itself.

So for me today is not really about the mothers and all that they do.

This day is rather about the footprints on the sand. The chances unspoken. The voices unheard. I acknowledge that life is uncertain. And it ain't a piece of cake. It is what it is. C'est la vie! But life is all we got. If nature gave you that power, don't abuse it for the selfish trinkets and kudos inorganic. With power comes responsibility. Tough it up and rise up to it.

Truth is, la vie, c'est belle. Vraiment! Tough, unpredictable, brutal, but magnificent nonetheless. Help life find a way. You will be better for it.

Il fait froid aujourd'hui

Ok, i admit. This shocking orange/lime green template is a bit too much for me, but damnit, somehow i think it would do me good. I just have a good feeling about it.

Three interesting happenings, some are just silly. I had a really early morning meeting, so i headed off to school after i grudgingly woke myself up (this verb by the way is always reflexive en français, and i completely get that!). As i was driving, i saw this grey/black dog on a leash, just that it was not a dog, but a tiny bear! Seriously! And i live very close to downtown of a very big city, so the chances of a roaming rural bear is slim to none. I am pretty sure of it although i confess i was kinda half-asleep.

And then coming back home, i saw a datsun fairlady! Whoa? I thought they were extinct! Those of you who don't know me, i have a thing for cars. What can i say, i have to turn my head when i see a beautiful form, car-wise. But fortunately for me it doesn't go any deeper than the form, much like an artist's appreciation for a beautiful woman. Meaning, i don't feel a need to experience them. Hehe, like i can even if i wanted to!

And then i met someone who might one day end up being related to me. Lots to take in. Unsettling, in a way. All in all, i liked him. He is one of those genuine ones. That's good news.

With the conference behind me, i can devote more time to other stuff, like french. So i went to the french lab today and listened to the tapes. Although, a particular voice on the tape :-P always makes me not pay attention to les tâches. Hmm. I wonder if one can make themselves fall in love? Wish one could. Then i would make myself fall in love with my prof. That relationship has great potential for success. He is a mature guy for one, although he drives a motorcycle and wears leather pants at times. Can anyone say Ross? haha, hopefully he never lands on this blog or i may just lose my status of l'étudiante favori. Nah! Anyway, he has a child's smile and i can see his soul, which is the important thing. Perhaps some day?

The conference was a great success. The attendees want more of these, the grantor wants to raise our funding and use our work as a system-wide model. I always think it's funny how the attendees always dote on me, men and women alike, and why not, I can chat with equal ease with a little baby or a vice-chancellor of an educational system and make them feel equally at ease. It helps that i am equally adept at singing a lullaby or delivering a speech, and that i am great at bringing diverse people together and making them listen to each other. Huh, I guess j'ai de la chance en général. Except when it comes to picking the right men. Am i right, mr. jones?

LOL.

Bricoler

Yay, conference day.

I am freaking myself out cause I have never been ready so much before the actual event. lol...i have like 6 more hours left to do whatever...and usually i don't even have 6 minutes!

So i am here posting nonsense instead. Perhaps i will do some yoga.

French prof is at a conference too so i have the perfect excuse (that convinces me) to skip french class today. Hmm...i am gonna miss french in summer, maybe i shall do some independent studies...wonder if prof is up for that...lol

Yesterday i touched a gun for the first time. My, didn't know those little things can be so heavy! Oh, freak not, people, my landlords are undercover cops and they were in my apartment doing some home improvement. Wow, that sounded like a sentence i just made up! And using two TV serials at that!

Au revoir, tout le monde, j'ai faim, je vais manger mon petit déjeuner.

When

Mindless toil bold and bright
Wraps my days
Hollow and slight

Unbeknownst
Thoughts will rain
And will rain
And rain until
Droplets of pain
Surround me
Take me hostage
Take me home and
Around and around

Nights tiptoe
Tiptoe around
And nights tiptoe
Tiptoe around

Ventilation

Pre-conference venting...

But really it has nothing to do with the conference and has everything to do with mr. jones. How can i like someone so much who doesn't like himself a bit? A puzzle, indeed.

Darn it! I distinctly see a resemblance between my relationship with Mr. God (he oughtta be a man, no woman will run the universe this haphazardly or not pick up after themselves!) and my relationship with mr. jones (aka r..., not to be confused with R, lol, sorry i come from math, we use same symbols for things different, and vice-versa).

Much as i would like to believe in god, i can't. He hasn't proven himself to me. Indeed he failed me over and over, especially, when i needed to believe in him the most. So guess what, i have forsaken him. But i didn't forget.

Man, that was some confession!

Hmm.

That hmm needed a whole line and then some. Ah, feeling pensive and lost.

But tomorrow i shall rise again. I will go about my work just as usual, greet my conference guests and deliver my speech just as perfect. The usual roar. And no, you won't ever see me retreat. We don't lick our wounds my dear and we don't retreat. We are proud ones, us Leos, we stand up and fight till our last breath.

So, wound me up, mr jones, and watch me fight!

You too, God.

Twist it like that

Have been super busy ): hosting the conference on Thursday...damnit!

But learned some cool bad words in french class today (a nickname for speedo among others), hehe finally prof caved! Well, i taught him (and my classmates, boy am i surprised that they didn't know it either!) the corresponding phrase in English! I sure like how the french are so open, we discuss everything in class from french cuisine to linguistics to how to differentiate between eroticism and pornography!

Also learned a French tongue-twister..."Les chasussette de l'archi-duchesse, sonte-elle sèches? Ou archi-sèches?"

I reciprocated with "Betty Botter bought some butter"... i can say that one super-fast, then tongue-twisters come easy to me!

Watching DWS 100th episode...ah Helio!

My wishbucket list

My, what a beautiful afternoon we are having! My green wall of leaves swaying ever so slightly, tall maple trees standing regal at guard, and a distant sound of my neighbour playing Moonlight Sonata...now that's a composition that always lifts me up...thanks, neighbour, and Mr. Beethoven of course...

Ah, i wish i could play the piano! Fingers on the keys, now stroking ever so gently, exploring, learning, like a lover's gentle touch, now unleashing a thunder of wrath, the tune of a jilted heart; a love story but unspoken, creating beautiful beautiful music.

Then there are so many other things i want to learn too! Boy, am i glad i started taking french, so that's one dream closer to my list (wish list? bucket list? hehe, who knows). Here is my wish-bucket list of things i want to learn, just to keep me on track:

1. Horseback riding
(Me, my horse, wind in the hair, lost in the endless meadows, ah, this is what dreams are made of)

2. Fencing
(Just so i can hear the word touché being uttered, hopefully by my opponent, haha)

3. Play piano
(A really long shot, really. Eh, how do i know? I do own a baby grand that sits untouched, well, what can i say, i don't feel worthy enough to approach her yet)

4. Shooting/Archery
(Oh, don't be scared, just as a recreational and competitive sport)

5. Ballroom dancing
(Hmm, we will see about this one, i have a tendency to lead which might be a problem)

6. B & W Photography
(Having my own dark room is a serious incentive)

7. Bungy-jumping
(NOT! I've got serious vertigo issues!)

Ok, i guess that's it for now. I am going out (to watch 21). A demain!

The empty set

The empty set is a proper subset of any set. It makes perfect sense to me, but then i am trained in the language of maths.

But how about you guys out there, does it make sense to you? How about the set of women who won Academy awards in both Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress categories? It's a five member set {Helen Hayes, Ingrid Bergman, Maggie Smith, Meryl Streep, Jessica Lange}. You are fine with {Meryl Streep} being a subset, or {Jessica Lange, Maggie Smith} for that matter. But are you completely ok with letting an empty set { } be a subset of this prestigious set? Are you really?

The other day we found that most undergraduates (non-math majors) have difficulty with the mathematical notion of nothing being a part of a something. Our class wondered, would it make sense outside the realm of maths? Later at home i wondered on my own, could i perhaps come up with some sort of plausible example linking the two?

And then came Thursday night. It felt like I was nothing.

In a way, each of us at different times have been proper subsets of our own selves. When some aspects of us manifested, and the others went missing. Us humans are a funny bunch, really. Each a force - moving inexplicably inside the orbit of life. A random pattern of ebbs and flows. And all that are in the middle.

And yes. At one end of that spectrum, there lurks an empty set.

Within each of us.

x-7

Three posts in a day, ah, what's it called again? Sleepless in the big city? What-bloody-ever!

What's the complement of seven weeks? So many more moments left in this sentence.

Love not, for nothing's precious, trust not, for nothing's sacred, be not, for nothing's true, hold not, for nothing's forever.

I hate the world tonight.

Get through the night. Somehow just get through the Thursday nights. One night at a time? Like Lollipop Joe? Try not to merge. For now we run parallel.

For now.

Restless

Quand j'étais une petite fille, je n'ai jamais pensé qu'un jour je vais devenir une professeur de mathématiques, que je vais tenir debout devant un groupe d'étudiants et faire une conférence. Non. J'étais très réservée, oui, on toujours très occupée avec des livres. Effectivement, mon premier livre était un livre de mythologie, si vous pouvez le croire! Parce que il n'y avait pas autres livres intéressants à la maison. Bien sûr, il y avait beaucoup de livres de maths, (mon père était un professeur de maths comme moi) mais ils n'ont pas semblé intéressants pour moi. Non! Pas à ce moment.

Ah, je divague!

Pendant que j'aime maths, je pense que j'ai une vie débordante avec le travail. Hmm. Je pense vraiment que on devrait avoir types différents de travail pendant sa vie, pour enrichir sa compréhension des gens ou de la vie en géneral. C'est pourquoi je souvant pense que je devrais essayer une autre profession, qu'est-ce que c'est? ah, je ne sais pas!

Sigh. Je ne sais quoi. Absolument rien.

Eh, i dunno what i am up to. Feeling restless. Thursdays are hard to deal with.

Les rêves éveilles

The best dreams happen to you when you are awake.

It can be a silly one that makes you walk on the air, cross lines invisible, and transcend reality with a child's open mind. Or a profound one, causing an epiphany, letting you hold, comme on dit, "the infinity in your palms". And if you are lucky, sometimes they would just merge. Even if for a moment.

I wonder if i would dare to dream with such carefree abundance, ever again.

December 2007
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Ah it's a beautiful Friday afternoon, air is crisp with a touch of cold, and i have decided not to think or work for three full days. And if i may confide in you my friend, i am oh so happy and completely drunk on love, doomed crazy norm-defying love, wide-eyed playful bantering love that reminds me of 'golden days of my childhood'. Sigh.

We are rather different, r and i. Hell, he makes me crazy at times as i am sure i do him! Ah, sometimes i wish he would grow up and hold me still, but i bet he wishes i let my hair down and run with him instead. Who, me? The implicit bossy math prof? But you see mr jones, that’s why i dig him so much. He has seen the me that is invisible to my own eyes. Baffling, eh?

I am babbling again, aren't i? I do that a lot when i am happy or lost. Sorry mr. jones, r has a way of doing that to me, playing me in the highest and as effortlessly dropping me down to the lowest of the octaves- leaving me gasping for my breath. You know what i mean? Yet he doubts if he can make me happy. Ah, but you know that he already does, now don't you, mr jones? I wonder though (yeah i do that a lot too!), will his eyes twinkle in a suppressed knowing smile when we first meet, or grow dark in torturous anticipation...and oh the first glance...i think about it all the time. When i wake up, when i walk on the street, when i am holding a yoga posture, when i am falling asleep, the all-consuming thought of my conscious psyche...

I see myself in a faraway land, standing against a door half-open. I hear the door closing behind me as i enter the room, and hushed laughter of women as they push me in. The room is draped with flowers. A veil of flowers hang over the bed-posts, heady smell of jasmine and wood rose fills the air - all dusky in the warm glow of but two earthen lamps.

And then i see him, in the far corner of the room, in white groom's attire. Oh my! I want to say, 'God, r, you take my breath away!' but my tongue's all dry and palm's all sweaty, and i drop my glass of milk. I can see it falling down and down, spiraling in a motion too slow. I am all embarrassed, and from the corner of my eyes i see him rushing to my rescue; but the glass falls, and we break down in laughter as we both remember the significance of the nuptial milk...

And so my conscious dream begins...

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To those of you that dare to dream.