Tall order

"Knowledge is two-fold, and consists not only in the affirmation of what is true, but in the negation of that which is false."- CCC

Happy B'day, Sis...

I admit that i hid it. I hid it well and deep. So no, you won't find it if you came looking for it. I wish i could share it with you. I know how you hurt, how much you miss him. Especially today of all days, and i wish i could lend you a shoulder. But they are still stiff in resignation, and my posture aloof. I don't know how to let you in. I am alone in my grief.

If only i could breathe
Maybe you can see me cry
If only i could drown
Perhaps i can let out that sigh

But i cannot move. I can't breathe, i can't drown. For i am still standing here. So i cower. An awkward silence, a quick change of the subject, a desparate grasp at my funny joking self. In my feeble attempt to cheer you up. That's all i can offer you.

Ah, forgive me! That i cannot be there for you.

I am not there yet.

Essayez

Here i wrote something in invisible ink for you to read with mind's eyes.

Hot Toddy

Someone caught a cold last night, so she is thinking of mixing herself a hot toddy.

Hot Toddy: Whiskey+Orange/Lemon juice+Honey+Hot water

It's best to sweat out a cold, as the saying goes, mais je me sens paresseuse! Instead, i am sweating it out with some french grammar. So far so good.

I do know of another method of sweating it out :-P, que dites vous, monsieur jones? Vous avez envie de venir?

Hmm, i am not shy to admit that today i spent a lot of time staring at his pictures. You know, like just putting my hand on my chin, and kinda staring away. And thinking to myself, wonder what his thoughts were at that moment. Which i am sure i would not have the courage to do in person.

Oh! Or, would i?

It remains to be seen, i guess. I am saving myself a front-row seat.

How the shy Virgo takes over the bold Leo. Oh, i am quite positive of that outcome, just wondering about the how part.

:-P

By the way, the little yellow chicky disclaims any responsibility for the said cold.

Le jugement

Something came in the mail. I knew what it was, even before i opened the envelope. The address in my own handwriting spoke back with the lasting certainty of an unabashed stare. "Here you go, here's that thing you worked so hard to get."

A few pieces of papers stapled together. Legal mumbo-jumbo.

An inevitable sigh. Eh, i dunno what it signifies. A half-smile. En raillant de l'audace de la cour, ou bien des humains, en général .

Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mockingbird won't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass...

Bon aniversaire!

I woke up to a dark and cold day facilitated by sounds of raindrops. Then i thought, "Wait a minute, symptoms are entirely too familiar, wonder what it is... oh right, it's gotta be my blog's birthday!".

:-D

Today i got the mammoth relationship book that i was asking for. With baited breath i turned the pages to find the precise Leo-Virgo permutation that defines us. Okay, we are marked as doomed. LOL. Now see, i knew that! It just makes us all that more alluring, don't you think? :-* pour mon chéri condamné... Baby, i love being doomed with you!

Too bad i have no time to be prolific about it, or many other things that are bubbling in my mind, i am entertaining house guests.

Une promenade

Yesterday...

Sun hid himself as soon as i landed on the pavement, leaving me in the melancholic company of cloud subdued sky. But i wasn't about to fold. I turned my coat collar up, (er, wasn't a fashion statement, but i sure looked goooood :-P) slid my hands into my pockets and off i went.

I walked for an hour, zig-zagging through quaint main streets and pretty cottage neighborhoods. I was surprised to see maple trees that were still green, standing right beside trees that were basking in fall colors. I discovered many a trees whose names i knew not, trees with unusual leaves and funny branches; odd-looking tiny cottages built at the turn of last last century, many cute cats, but only a handful of humans.

At times it was quite solitary. Nothing but the sound of my boots against the concrete of the street, with every intruding step the desolate streets falling even quieter, autumn leaves being crunched underneath providing relief from time to time.

I felt sequestered in that boundlessness. I know it sounds almost paradoxical. But that's how it felt.

Il fait soleil

Beautiful, beautiful day.

Someone decided to ditch the gym and go for a long walk instead.

Curiosity lost

The moon is in full view and 99% lit. Sun on the other hand is playing hide and seek since he got up. Brrrrrrr, it's so cold!

I am nicely wrapped up in a jacket and heat-waves, but i feel sad for the maple trees. They look magnificent though, a row on either side of the street, standing tall and erect, proud that leaves are sporting oh so many colors, ready to brave the bare branches that will follow.

Ah, nature! Je t'applaudis! Your strokes are breathtaking, your simplicity divine.

Sometimes a simple original idea is hands-down the best. I do not understand why us humans strive to make things complex and inorganic. Take "The curious case..." for example. What's the point in dramatising the original story to the extent of losing its essence, i know not.

The brilliant premise of FSF's short story is all but lost under the loud brushstrokes of unnecessary and predictable dramatization. Raising old master Button in an old home? Hmm, cheap plot, ineffective. Creating the usual mystery father figure to be divulged at death bed (er, twice!!)? Ah, cliché. No grandpa-father-son-grandson interludes? Fundamental loss.

Gone are the poignant moments shared between the four generations. Senior Button's reaction and his funny yet pathetic visit to the clothing store to buy clothes for his old infant. Old and newborn master Benjamin reluctantly brought home by his shame-stricken father and forced to behave his not so apparent age. The grandfather's refusal to accept the little old man as his grandson. Later, Benjamin's own son begging him to stop aging backward. When that didn't work, his asking Benjamin to call him "uncle" when company was present. In the end, Benjamin growing younger in the company of his grandson, and waiting to die at the same time.

In all the refusals and failures in fitting in, Benjamin's unusual journey experienced time like no other. In his old form he has been the rocking chair buddy to his grandpa, in his prime, a grey and dignified companion to his father, in his youth, a friend to his son, and in his childhood, a play-mate to his grandson. An insider by look, outsider by disposition, holding an aging mind in his inverse-aging body. A vicious circle of time chasing visible age chasing time. Ingenious!

So that's what i want to say. Take a cue from nature. Un-clutter your canvas. Keep your strokes simple but brilliant. And oh yeah. Leave something to imagination and fantasy. Not everything has or could benefit from an explanation. Lose that clockmaker. Please.

Objection!

I am hereby registering my objection re: choice of winner of last night's Top Chef Elimination Challenge.

"Something borrowed" was the rightful winner, but the hat should have gone to all three, and not just Ariane. I mean, come on, Tom/Padma/Gail/F&W Lady, who amongst us doesn't know that meat is as good as its marinade (Radhika) or the sauce that accompanies it (Jamie). Besides, Ariane's miscalculation of baking time almost killed the dish. Without everyone pitching in with the plating, it didn't stand a chance of ever seeing the table.

So yeah.

And aww...sweet Fabio was mad. Nice to see he has anger.

Heaven, Hell or...

I am feeling that after-final pre-Christmas lull. Ah, it's a childhood thing. I always felt a void about this time of the year. The year's done, nothing to do (Yes! no tenure file to turn in!) but to wait for the next year to roll in. Now that nothing to do part may not be entirely true, i mean i spent the whole morning doing advisement and prepping for a new BS program that should be ready to submit come Winter, but a little pretense never hurt anyone, right? :-D

Today i made two decisions. The first was that i want go for that MA in french. So i talked to the chair and mapped out a path. I need 36 more undergraduate credits before i even apply. So yeah, like in two years. C'est une bonne idée, n'est-ce pas? The second is that i am going to Las Vegas for new year. I am. Are we? Oui, mon chéri. Don't ask me how the two are related. Hmm, perhaps i am feeling lucky?

Yesterday i saw an interview of Mr. Pitt on CNN. I think i am beginning to like him as a person. Never as an actor though. Well, unless he is in something like Seven or Fight Club, providing a fitting backdrop so i can concentrate on Kevin Spacey or Edward Norton. LOL, no offense. By the way, i heard from some reliable source that they completely changed the story on The curious case .... except that age going backward factor. Darn it, just as i feared they would! In any case, i doubt that anyone can portray FSF's lyricism in a film anyway. Wow, so many anys!

I have mr jones to thank for ...getting me to read FSF. That, and then some. Ah, so many things in you i admire, my dear. But no time to gush. Maybe later.

Aujourd'hui

Truth be told, yesterday sucked. I ended up brooding and as a result, by the end of the day, grading was still 7/8th undone. I finally went to sleep, aided by some motrin and hope for tomorrow, feeling quite like Scarlett O'Hara upon Rhett's departure.

Today was decidedly more productive. In addition, certain myths were broken. Myths that i created to justify my procrastination

1) No, you don't need a red pen to grade, let go of that safety blanket
2) No need to be surrounded by people buried in books so you can feel justified to be grading
3) No visit to coffee shop needed, that 4 bucks latte only helps the economy
4) No break is really required between grading two papers; it's painful, just get it done, kinda like waxing, yikes, but yeah.

Took me 1.5 hours to do the 7/8th, whereas the first 1/8th took 2 hours. You see what i mean? Mind over matter, baby, that's what i am talking about. Doesn't hurt that i can speed-read.

I am very happy to report that an unlikely contender came from behind and beat all the veteran front-runners. Yes! I was secretly hoping for something like this. Only goes to show that age is but a number when it comes to brain-power. The boy happens to be seventeen, but i knew he had it in him from the very first day, even though he did not display any such performance beforehand. Oh, we always know. A novel and brilliant response here, the usual rote steps missing there, you know, the tell-tale signs of higher order thinking.

All well that ends well. So good luck young mister CG, here's hoping a brilliant future to you!

I shall treat myself to some scotch now, which i had some trouble getting. I got carded and had no id with age on it. It went like this:

Me: Um, oops, sorry mister, here's my other id (university pic id, says faculty in big letters)
Manager: Hmm, it seems that you may be over 21 but i still need to see some proof of age.
Me: Oh come on, i am a professor at a university, do you really think i am below 21?
(and if such is the case, shouldn't i just get the scotch as a reward of some sort?)
Manager: No, the law says if you appear to be below 21, you have to produce a state id showing proof of age.
Me: I promise i will have it next time (making sad eyes)
Manager: Ok. Please remember to have it on you as you do have that youthful look.
Me: Yes! Thank you!

Soon i will be under the happy influence of mister JW, so it is time that i bid you good-bye. And just so there is no confusion, i want to go on record with the statement "No, i am not drinking to drown my sorrow". Eh, i got no proof, so you just have to take my word for it i guess.

:-P

You don't say!

C had to pack, she is catching an early plane tomorrow. Now that made me homesick. :(

Free fall from there. No gf safety net.

Take-outs: check!
Bath robe: check!
Sappy movie: check!

And they had to be playing 'You got mail'! LOL. The irony!

Ah, non!

Ick, who let that R out?

In any case, she can't be farther from the truth. I am too busy to have a field day with break-up fun. You know, like take-outs in bathrobes and sappy movies. Let's see. Thursday i spent balancing grant budget and editing some shit. Spent couple of hours in gym, made a friend, whose name i can't recall. Friday i ran errands, and finished tons of advising shit. This morning i hit the gym, saw my friend whose name i still can't recall. Chatted an hour on the phone, toyed with the idea of a walk, but it was too bloody cold, so checked out some shit on the net instead. Currently i am partaking in the end of quarter grading marathon. 1/8th done, 7/8th to go. Might go out with C later to catch a movie. You do the math.

So yeah, no blues here my dears.

La boussole

Comme j'ai dit, je suis au courant.

So when the Leo and the Virgo went about their usual break-up rituals, i took a pondering break. Conversing with either of them would have invited an energy i was not ready to absorb. Let's see. Virgo will retreat to his dark mood, beginning to feel the pain that he didn't know existed, Leo will hide her true feelings under dual pretense. Bury herself under work or go out and make meaningless friends.

Mais oui! How else can it be?

Ils pourront faire la paix. When not vehemently trying to deny the other. Perhaps he will go for his solitary runs, and she her walks. Les deux vont se rencontrer, peut-être, on the path visible only to mind's eyes. Like a warm breeze on a cold winter day, his smile will linger on her lips. 'hey kiddo, how are you?' His eyes will light up with the sparkle in hers, 'ça va, monsieur jones, êtes vous bien?' Neither will let the other see the hurt.

Oh, no, it was not my desire to be caught in that force-field. You understand of course. Yup, ask any compass placed in between two magnets separated and you will know.

I will just be here, and keep an eye on them. Ah, ces enfants mignons peu mûrs! Playing in life's sandbox the game that has no end.

Virgin Heart

That was not a complete disclosure. A better one would have been,

"Papa, help me be strong, i am falling apart"...but hey, Leos don't cry. No, we don't, for that would be a bloody shame. Mais oui, mon amie! How about, "Papa, help me be strong, he is tearing me apart"?...No, no complaints, 'hows could you?'s are for losers! I see. Tell me then my dear, who cried herself to sleep last night? Wasn't me. No? Who woke up shivering, knocking at the door of dazed reality, 'was it a dream, or did we break up?'? Nope, wasn't me!

Wasn't me wasn't me wasn't me! Shut up and let me be.

shut up autumn leaves
shut up raindrops
shut up blue mountains

you deafen me.

Ah, poor Leos. They are the ones holding their tears in the shell of mustered strength hoping that someday they would emerge anew.

Pure, full, lustrous, comme une perle.

Alors, moi, je suis au courant.

Papa

Help me be strong.

Battle ahead

Plaintiff: The freshmen students who unknowingly signed up for teaching done by minimally credentialed exhausted temps (typically commuting between 4 campuses teaching 7-8 courses )

Prosecutors: Four very pumped-up profs all ready to argue their case.

Defendant: The University.

Defense lawyers : The administrators some of whom are torn by dual loyalties.

Judge & jury: Common Sense & Foresight (Not sure if the judge will preside or the jury will get the time off for this duty)

Verdict: Will be posted.

Hush my darling

{1,-1,+1,-1,+1,-1...}

I should know where this goes. Ah, of all people, i should know.
Too close to see anything, don't you know? No, you have no right to look at me like that.

Moonlight and broken rays
Whispering willows bend my way
Hush hush hush she went to sleep...

Sans doute

Ah, the exam day!

Two hours until i write the french exam. Five hours until i give the math one. So what am i doing here, you wonder. I am letting my mind float before the flight, of course. Indeed i studied nothing all of yesterday. My last encounter with french was that 3-hr tryst on saturday.

Ah, that reminds me of my saturday encounter with mr jones! :-P So, here's a shout out to mr mcstudly, :-P hey love, can't wait until we go there again! World may combust, but we just have to risk it, je devine.

Hmm, i got four good luck wishes for my final, a text, an email, a call, and you know, the other kind. 'kick ass on both sides of the lectern' was the last wish. Can you tell who the wisher was? Someone who knows me better than me, mais oui! Cause that's just about what i will be doing!

Je pense.