Whatever!

J'ai un examen aujourd'hui.

Tuesday sucked up all my energy... woke myself up quite late, still feeling sooooo tired and now i only have one hour to study...sigh.

Whatever, i plan to nail it anyway!

Butterflies are free

Today i would tell you about a student of mine.

I have a very packed schedule to adhere to, but i have noticed that sometimes getting stuff off my head helps me process other things faster. Besides, it will be one half hour well spent.

Like yesterday. She came to see me, as she always does, springing into my office, almost prancing, rushed toward me and exclaimed the way only she can,"Give me some love, it's my birthday today!" Those of you who know me also know that i don't do hugs, no sir-ee bob! Hey, what can i say, i don't even hug my own sis who i am very close with! But this girl is something else, she will make you do stuff you would not normally do. Like Jill Baker in Butterflies are free.

She turned 32 yesterday. My Jill. She has been struggling with the upper level math classes, but that's just not it. She has been struggling with keeping her head above the water that's life. With financial aid and sporadic work she is fighting it out.

She is also raising her eight year old daughter. On her own. I have seen this child. Once or twice she sat in my class with her mom and painted away. An active, engaged and happy child. I have bought girl scout cookies from her, as did many members of the department.

So yesterday after i advised Jill for about 15 minutes about how she could optimally map out her next year, she enlightened me about goldfishes for the next 15 minutes. It so seems that she has found the golden rule of teaching a child about life, science and the responsibilities of caring for beings other than one's own self.

Every time her daughter rises up to a challenge she gets a goldfish, and the custom was established early on for the very essential p-training. So by now Jill has about 16 different goldfishes and from what i could tell she can write a short paper on how to raise cold water goldfishes! I learned many a things, among which are the little known facts that the fish can live as long as 25 years, they do need medical care (on top of all the other cares), and that they cannot procreate unless the environment is conducive.

I also was reminded why i liked my Jill so much. She has not given up. Neither on her child, nor on herself. The more the life tries to pull her down, up she rises ever so buoyant and joyous.

Now, that Jill, she has my respect.

Quel dommage!

Just came back from school event. Say, isn't it nice when men dress up? :-P Found most of my male colleagues in suits and it was a nice surprise. Doesn't hurt that all are tall and more or less in shape, hehe, you would rarely find a math faculty out of shape, i tell you! I don't know why, must be all that thinking! Now if only one can hold on to that hair as thought progresses...but can't have the cake and eat it too, eh?

All in all, it was a nice event, although i failed to recognize half of the student body, my colleagues felt the same way, hmm, what's up with that? But between the ten of us, i think we managed to place all faces, i think.

Omg! I almost forgot! Saw shop dude waiting by the elevator and it was 8 pm! What the hell? For one moment i froze with paranoia thinking somehow he chanced upon my last post, and then took an objective step forward. Thankfully he only said hi and asked if i was off to a party (i did dress rather emphatically, meaning i ditched my usual professional attire)...phew...

Eeek, i just ate the most horrendous cupcake of all! Okay, chill, just balance it out with something yumm...je me demande ce que sera...qu'est-ce que ce je mangerai...hmmm

To skirt or not to skirt

Seven years into my teaching career, i decided to wear a skirt to work today. For the first time. A short one.

As a result i received many a compliments, verbal and not so verbal ones. The verbal ones were mostly from people who knew me, colleagues and graduate students, all females. Men, i just got looks, ah those shy creatures! As i was making my way to the parking lot, in the elevator i got the penultimate compliment, by its last entrant, another female grad student. As she was expressing her appreciation, 'oh, that looks so good on you etc. etc.', out speaks the other occupant of the elevator, an unknown man. 'You know i was thinking the same, but didn't know if it was an appropriate thing for me to say'.

Now this prompts me to tell you a favorite story of mine, written by Guy de Maupassant. But as a prelude to that let me narrate two more episodes from my university life.

It starts like this. Six years ago, quand j'étais un jeune professeur...

Scene 1: ...this student of mine asks me out (by this time he graduated and found a job), first verbally, then by email. At first, i keep pretending not to have understood his advances, and then one day he shows up in my office and asks me out again in front of my colleague, i suppose to make it legit? Given the fact that he was the best student in my class (and a literature major at that!), i wanted to let him down easy. So i take him out for coffee and let him see that there is nothing in common between us, and that his attraction was probably a mélange of adulation and my hotness factor (lol, sorry but c'est vrai!). Anyway, it was what i call, a very nicely done 'Thanks, but no thanks' (if i may say so myself!).

Then there was the other one.

Scene 2: A rookie prof meets a rookie electrician by the said elevator. Think Ricky Martin minus the gay vibe. He introduces himself, and asks for my name. Pretty bold, huh, i think, who dare hits on a prof, soon realizing, he probably took me for a student. I mutter a short form of my name, and make a quick exit in my elevator (i tell you, if only that elevator could talk!). I see him a few other times on my way to the elevator, with him trying to strike up a convo and me trying to leave the scene, lest i start liking him.

Then one day, i realize i did start liking him. Alas, the next day, he makes his boldest move and follows me to my building, only to find out who i was. From then on, he kept his distance, just nodded like all the other guys that just look and nod as i pass by their shop every day on my way to the elevator.

Now comes the final story. Once upon a time in the great land of french countryside there was a couple (X & Y) and their bachelor friend Z. Z had a huge crush on X but thought he would never measure up to be someone who can be with her. The story opens with an old Z running to an old X (Y is dead by now and everyone is real old) to find out once and for all, if she would have said yes to him, had he asked for her hand. Okay, so i completely killed the poetic aura, but in a nutshell that's just about it!

Her answer, 'yes, dummy, i would have said yes.'

Ditto for me. To the shop dude.

So this is what i say to all you guys out there. Don't skirt around the wish. Be bold. Go after the one you want. So what if you get rejected? Get back up and dust yourselves off. You are men, aren't you?

Take a chance. You will never know what's in store for you unless you try.

Yep!

La nuit

It was a long summer night that almost didn't end. The more i tried to fight it, the longer it became. With its cold shoulders and stiff posture, it just sat there, wrapped in conjured apathy that mimicked my own.

Daring me to brave the feelings.

Get it?

Il fait très chaud aujourd'hui.

85 degrees Fahrenheit was what i saw on my car's temp screen, as i was driving myself back from the gym. These days i look forward to my trysts with the cross-trainers, cause that's the only time i feel i could read without a guilty conscience chasing after me. My, see what academia does to you?

It's a bloody sunday, but i have been answering emails and working on something that needs to be submitted tomorrow, at the same time getting ready for some unforeseen meetings, the list goes on. Not that i am complaining too much, cause i love some of these things, although the rest drives me crazy! I am an academic, damnit, don't ask me to fill out forms or chase after broken systems!

And oh, here's to all who think us profs have it easy, that we just come and go, and have our summers off! Let me set that one straight, folks. Yes, you probably see us work 5 hours a day (that is when you really see us, teaching or holding office hours), but we generally work 8-10 hours a day, and most of the week-ends. Those of us wearing more hats than one, regularly pull 60-70 hours per week. Yes, we may have our summers off, but 1) we don't get paid for that time, and 2) it doesn't mean we are freaking sitting on our asses the whole summer, that's when we pursue our research interests, as you might know without publications we're toast! It's a tough balancing act, but most of us do it (despite the ludicrous compensation/time ratio and the more ludicrous demand/time ratio), is, cause we dig it; our students, our books, and just the whole idea of knowledge.

So consider yourselves lucky, dears!

Wow, i dunno what set that off! Probably the heat, or the expectation to answer work emails on a sunday. Anyway, i am reading Tony Morrison's Beloved on the cross-trainers these days. It's downright raw. I would like to cite a passage i like, but, i gotta go feed myself.

Later, all.

Les enfants

This afternoon i made a cognizant effort to be sans thoughts, thoughts that can earn me the brand silly. I took a really long walk wanting to get lost in the summer breeze, tall trees and the smell of cut grass. And happy kids. So i ended my walk with a sit-out at my beautiful neighborhood park that always sparkles with picnics and all sort of celebrations during the weekend.

I sat on a bench and watched children play. Joggers ran by and cyclists circled around, afternoon sun mellowed over the tall maple trees, bees hummed in one last recognition of the day, but they kept on playing.

I couldn't help but think. Did i ever play like that, quand j'étais une petite fille? But i already knew the answer. Non. I was the quiet wondering one, happy to be left in the corner by herself with her books, and she didn't care what book she found, she just read. I suppose i was an odd child. I remember reading big books of religion (written in poems) to our helping hands. As the evening would fall they will gather by the kitchen and i would recite the words from god's own mouth. I was told the said act earned you points with god. Yeah, i did believe in god back then, so i tried to be on his good side. Ha! I remember one night i put my book down and ran crying while reading the part where the demon king stole the princess and the noble bird died protecting her.

How silly of me!

Yes, as a child i lived within myself, often coming alive in the characters of the books. They made me laugh, cry, dream, but most importantly they always let me be myself. Mes amis silencieux. They let me wonder.

Even if i try very hard and go as far in the past as possible, i can't see that girl running around, jumping over fences or rolling in the grass in careless abundance. Granted, i come a long way from then and i have become quite an extrovert. In parties or while giving a talk, or teaching even, i am all outspoken, intense and unabashed. In a nutshell, when i open my mouth, people listen. So no, you won't see even a glimpse of that shy little girl who would like nothing better than to be left alone with her books.

But even though she was not quite like the playful kids that bring me such joy, she was nevertheless the same, eyes full of wonders, mind full of hopes and beliefs that anything is possible. And she is still somewhere in me, manifesting in my silly acts or trusting heart. But i don't let her out often, for this world is a bad bad place for girls like that.

You might have seen her once or twice. Here. Si tu as vu avec les yeux d'un enfant.

Of doubts and thoughts

This morning i woke up with the unusual sound of two male voices conversing inside my apartment. As my dream daze wore off, i realized what it was. My two bros having an intercontinental convo on my answering machine. Pas juste! Waking me up from my beautiful dream! Can't tell you what my dream was about though, lest i be judged for having them.

Ah, judgement!

Those of you who read (and understood) last night's post know already that mr jones and i had a fight hier soir. I have to admit that i was being a brat, and he was being the adult. Then that's us. When one throws a tantrum the other remains calm, well, 9 out of 10 times. That one time is the real test of us.

Even though i have been asked not to wonder and ponder (comme mon prefesseur m'a dit, 'tu penses trop, d') i can't help it. I want to understand why things are the way they are. Perhaps if i stop thinking i will be bursting with happiness, happiness unpolluted by thoughts. Thoughts are perhaps the bane of my existence, but they are also me, and how can i separate the one from the other?

Let us not mistake the thoughts for doubts. There is a distinct delineation. Thoughts are like flakes of clouds, be it the one adorning a sunny sky or ushering rain for that matter. Your mind is clear afterwards. Doubts on the other hand are like cancer cells, multiplying irrationally ultimately causing the demise of the host.

As i am saying this i am thinking of Descartes in the back of my mind, Dubito ergo cogito. Hmm. Am i being truthful then? Then again, can that statement be universally true? Must a doubt precede every thought? Now i quite doubt that, LOL. Sorry, that was lame! Coming back to my point, i still maintain that the thoughts are not necessarily generated from doubts. It's all just a continuum of consciousness, and that debunks the mandate of there being such an order.

Yikes, i think i floated too far away from where i was. Man, i do the same in my classes, i could just run with it, leaving my students with the not so envious task of running with my mind! Anyway, sigh, where was i? Forget all this, let me just hum you a few lines from a song instead, with an apology for inadequate translation...

ce qui je peux dire

ce n'est pas la colère, ou le doute, mon chéri,

c'est juste une autre façon de moi

de vous attirer plus près

Si oui

je souhaite que tu aies un bon jour et tu trouves quelqu'un

quelqu'un qui est très pratique et raisonnable comme toi

si tu ne me comprends pas encore

mais ne moi demandes pas d'être quelqu'un d'autre

s'il te plaît

Score!

Ooh...i just got intimation from NSF that my million $ baby is thiiiiis close to being funded but i need to provide a suitable abstract in present progressive tense for public/congressional queires...hmm...say what tense again, see, i learn new things every day!

Anywho, guess who is back from his trip!

C'est mon chéri et mon meilleur ami...c'est quelq'un qui fait me sourir toujours ...

:)

god, i missed that man!

Eeek!

Tax day.

Mieux vaut tard que jamais!

If you are wondering what the last post was about, it was a demonstration of a word with a scene or sentence. Je pratique pour mon examen de français (à demain). Although we are allowed to just use the definition for that purpose, me, i prefer this mode, hehe, shows my french prowess too!

We are also keeping a journal where you just write whatever comes to your mind, grammatically correct or not, only requirement is that it be in french. I must say that it is proving to be quite beneficial. I already have four long pages of whatever. No one will be reading it, so you can really, i mean really write whatever. Catch my drift? Wait, i am feeling a bit paranoid now, cause tomorrow, when we write the exam, what if prof gets bored and starts to read them (which are always put on the table à lundi)? Perhaps i should sober down the topics some, eh? (i know, i know, it's sober up and tone down, but i like 'em mixed up, so sue me!)

So yeah, comme j'ai dit, this course is a bit different than the ones before. I like it like this.

Okay, back to books.

By the way, my last few posts might have given you the impression of me being a spoiled brat who does nothing but studies french while enjoying the sun, but ce n'est pas tout, trust me, je suis plus que cela! Although now that i have said it, it doesn't sound half bad either!

:-P

Comme une femme

My most favourite scene from SATC is when Richard the dick was rushing after Samantha who ran out of his office to the elevator, after he told her she couldn't have the job, cause, she was after all, a woman. Tears were about to stream down her cheeks and she prayed like she never prayed before, for the elevator door to close before he could see her like that. Like a woman.

Vulnerability.

When the armour falls off and you see a glimpse of the person underneath.

Sometimes it's just for a moment, but the moment suffices.

Il faut que vous ne soyez pas sans méfiance quand vous baissez votre garde.

Comment cela

It's very green all around, everyone's happy to get their leaves back. That and the fact that it's a languid yet crisp saturday does put somewhat of a festive touch in the air; to that add the sound of the concert coming from the park, and the chatter of happy kids, and you have un jour d'or.

Almost.

Mister sun has decided to play hide and seek avec des nuages, so i am taking a blog-break from sun bathing/studying french outside. It is getting a little bit demanding, french, but that only makes this soon to be third year french student happy. Fiez-vous à moi! In fact i am dreaming of the day when i will begin working on my master's thesis, and :-P i already have my topic picked out! I plan to analyse these two books written by two lovers who were first brought together by quirk of fate, then separated for life, finally to be brought together by their books, where one book was written as a rebuttal to the other. My goal is simple. I will be looking to separate relative truth from absolute truth. And the fact that they were written in two different languages (spanning two continents), will instigate if not satiate the linguist in me. Qu'en pensez vous? C'est une bonne idée, n'est-ce pas?

Oh, that reminds me, this math prof went to a 3 hour session of right-brain thesis defences last week. My, what interesting topics! Just to give you a flavour, it ranged from "The sexual desire (in particular Asian men wanting to bed white women...um, at first i thought they had the genders transposed, but i guess c'est vrai aussi!)", to "The power of media (words versus photographs, truth be told, this one wasn't as appealing)", to "Fiction embedded in non-fiction proposed as fiction (There is no fiction or non-fiction, there are just narratives!)", to "Sexuality (homosexuality in American literature or rather lack thereof)" to "Class passing (think working girl, Melanie Griffth as Sigourney Weaver)" to finally the topic that interested me the most, "Masculinity (as perceived in Hardy's Novels)".

It's a comparison of the ideal man (Gabriel Oak in Far from the Madding Crowd, one of Hardy's earlier novels), and that of a failed man (Jude Fawley from Jude The Obscure, Hardy's more mature (then uber-infamous) novel). Freud was brought in to triangulate; with his view that manhood is asserted by prowess in the following fields (sex and ambition).

Hardy's unsaid premise is, there is no ideal man, or so was professed by the presenter. This sure is food for thought pour petite moi, as y'all know i am very interested in the mankind. LOL. So i guess i will have to read the second book and decide it for myself some time soon!

For now, i just let out a very pronounced hmm!

It's a girl!

Yay! I am a new aunt today! And with that the subset generation is now back to 1:1.

Ecoutes moi papa, tu es grand-père encore!

Le crescendo

what tune you play tonight?

sound upon sound
strikes the joyous beat
falls off my veil in one stolen glance

oh how you make me dance!

in whispered notes
and hushed rhythm
rising high and falling low

i lose myself.

bells strewn everywhere
tinkling rolling pealing
until the last sound is hushed

silence

in zephyr boundless
in dew drops on leaves
in earthy scent of flower unknown

Fairy dust

Ooh...i am watching The Simpsons rerun (Bart in France) lots of french pour petite moi...hopefully one day i will just wake up and start to speak comme lui!

Some recaps:

AI: Adam Lambert is a hottie, gay or not, but i am still rooting for Gokey. That 2-2 divide of judges' save was so revealing that it was almost crass. Paula all but made me cry with her final ode to sweet McIntyre.

And what the hell was that Flo Rida lyrics again? "You spin my head right around when you go down down?" My, nothing is sacred any more! LOL, Hopefully people of impressionable age had their ears covered. Sheesh! And Rescue Me gets three-pronged warning with every single segment! C'est ne pas juste!

DWTS: Hmm. It was a tad disappointing this monday, Gilles and Ty delivered quasi-anaemic renditions of my all time fav dance form Paso Doble, c'est dommage (shaking my head in disbelief)! Well, at least there was no Lindy Hop! But cool bare chested dancers on tuesday, the ones clad in interesting red silk skirts (?), black tattoos and shaved heads.

Steve-O was such a sad clown. :( Makes me want to touch him with my magic wand and transform him into the dancer that he wants to be!

Oh la la!

Wheeee...my program just got approved! A victory dance is in order, mais je suis un peu malade, so it will have to wait. But i can sing...tra la la...

Okay, the rush is over, time to get to work! Since it is a multi-disciplinary program you know what that means...diplomacy and whatnot, mais tu me sais...whatever Lola wants...Lola gets...hehe. Anyway, i have already embarked upon designing program brochures and sample pathways to make the little ones' lives easier. That reminds me, today one of my students from NA1 found me in the dept. kitchen en préparant mon thé d'après-midi and said that they felt betrayed not to see me in the NA2 class. Especially after i already told them how much fun NA2 was going to be. She actually used the word "betrayed"! Oh, it almost broke my heart! Now i feel really sad, and i vow to never do this again, Sorry mr. jones, it appears that i can't afford to put myself before my students. And that's just that.

Weird thing happened in french class, which i dunno if i can divulge here. But if my prof needs me as a student witness, i am on her side 100%. Now i have been on student grievance committees and i will tell you one thing, more often than not, it's a simple misunderstanding gone too far. We shall see how this one shakes up. Ooh, by the by, i forgot to mention il y a un étudiant dans ma classe who speaks french like a native speaker, and c'est très sexy! I believe he is either from a french speaking country or has lived in France, i forget which one. But anywho, that makes me feel très lucky and i am trying to mimic his mouth movements jusqu'à i get that accent down!

:)

I have been feeling quite fortunate about my job of late, primarily à cause de mes étudiants et mes conseillés, who never fail to let me know how they feel about me. Ah, j'ai de la chance vraiment! Although sometimes their comments are just plain funny or absurd, :-P, in a good way. Today i met with an advisee, about to graduate, who joined the dept. in the same year comme moi (ah, undecided majors!). After the usual Q&A session he confessed that one of the biggest surprises of his young life was when he found out i was a professor. To this i took a bit of an offense (Do i not give out the aura of knowledge or am i missing the halo of wisdom?) and asked him for the reason. Cause he thought i was nineteen!! Say what? hahahaha... this reminds me of mr jones checking my driver's license before he actually believed my number... aww!

Sigh, two more days, hold it together my dear...

Two good things happened this week, Rescue Me is back (yeah baby! you funny funny sons of bs you make my night like no other show!) and that i might have finally solved my sleep problem!

And that i might be falling in love with Steve-O from Jackass! ..oops mr jones is so gonna pin me down for that one!

Je ne peux pas attendre mon chéri, et sans c aussi!

:-P

Double take

I forgot to make my usual monday night DWTS post, but better late than never!

Now i don't usually do this, cause i am always right (yep!) but i have to go with judges on the 3 tens for the french dude. Spectacular is all i can say about that Argentine Tango number, seriously i couldn't stop smiling throughout the whole performance! So my loyalty is kind of divided à ce moment, between Ty and Gilles. I am waiting to see Gilles' Lindy Hop coming Monday, now if he can pull that one, i am his! Seriously, i do not like Lindy Hop, it's super silly and just plain acrobatic and too free-wheeling as far as the form goes! I am okay with the East Coast Swing though, or Jive, somehow those two extra step or maybe it's the lack of a structure makes the Lindy go haywire à mon avis...and i don't care if it's the original form, who doesn't know the shine of a diamond lies in its cuts, hmm...i would go as far as to suggest that DWTS should lose the hop!

Sorry Lindy lovers, i admit it's a damn good form of entertainment for the ones dancing, but i don't wanna see frantic stuff-strutting on a chandelier-clad, orchestra-accompanied gorgeous ballroom floor!

Blah

Just another manic friday. Divergent issues, emails and phone-calls, in other words what i call bona fide non-work. Drives me crazy, really. Suffices to say my lunch was a quick strawberry-banana smoothie... oh, flashback from round 3...yumm!

So i decided to take a blog-break, it increases my productivity, i tell you!

By the way, i admit, :( i have been secretly moping around a little, which was picked up on by my sis and then i was duely chided. Well, in my defense, can i help it if i miss him so? Hmph! I have been feeling really tired too since last week, hey i wonder si je suis enciente?! Um, i guess we shall soon find out about that one, as Malcolm's dad says, :-P Cute, huh? That mr jones has picked out a name already? Sadly i am only allowed the naming right if it's a girl! Well boo-hoo! I do want a boy though, :) je pense, comme monsieur j, so no disagreement there.

Oh, look at me meandering! And being so agreeable! Eh, whatever happened to the bossy, opinionated, head-butting Leo who wouldn't give up a logical inch sans battre? Seriously, since we met, our only fights have been over kinda one single thing, oh oops, that's something i cannot divulge here, hehe, rating problem. He is winning so far, although i put up a great fight, but soon it will be mine! Je dis! Actually it's a win-win situation, if you think about it, lol...i am so sorry for being cryptic!

:)

Before i go back to work though, i want to officially announce that i, the logical procrastinator, am trying to get my life in order. By that i mean to have an organized system to logically sequence paperwork and get the most benefit out of a slow procrastination and a fast brain. Yep, procrastination can be beneficial too, as anyone who ever brewed an idea to perfection knows, but i don't have time to do justice to that delicate topic. Coming back to my point, i am somewhat miffed that i haven't paid my yearly tribute to Uncle Sam yet, that instead i just dumped all my stuff into a pile and patiently waiting for April 15 to approach nearer. I suppose i could hire an accountant, as most of my colleagues do, but the sheer agony of answering tax questions and hearing them being sounded is twice the pain of seeing them on paper, er...screen. So yeah.

That goes for exercise too. Oh, that reminds me, i wonder if anyone gave up exercise for lent comme le comique Jimmy Kimmel...haha, that was a funny one! Seriously, i have devised the perfect 7 hr/week: yoga+ (step combo+cross trainers)+yoga+(Latin dance+cross trainers)+(step)+yoga+(swimming). You dig? I really have to control my listless mind to get the yoga doses in, cause i am doing it all by myself, chez moi. But then that's what yoga is all about, using your body to control your mind, so that your mind can control your body the best possible way, i mean beside the auxiliary benefits of flexibility, :-P and strength training of course.

Oh man, look at the time, i gotta get back to my non-work.

A bientôt!