Oueh

Truthfully the only part i am really looking forward to is my 2 months stint at french language school in south of france.

Rest is just fluff.

Haze

Blurs my sight. Comme la verite.

Comme vous l'avez dit. "Dragging feet, limitless leaps of faith".

Toi et moi.

"C'est quoi que nous faisons?" - vous vous demandez.

Aujourd'hui je me le demande. "C'est quoi que je fais avec toi?"

Why do i make the bed? Cause the room is small. Why do i clean the dishes? For the are not as numerous.

Why do i keep taking the leaps of faith?

Because someday i would get a great novel out of it. I am going in to see the end, which if life serves me right should be tragically poetic.

Lol, sure.

Vous dites que vous n'avez pas appris encore. To give you time. Que vous essayez. Oui, c'est quoi que vous dites! Do i trust you?

I wanted to know. Look where it got me.

I don't feel my heart.

Does it beat for you? How am i supposed to know if i don't feel it?

Ouvrez

Je regarde la port. J'entends pour le son familiare...d'une cle entrante le trou de serreur.

Il n'arrive jamais.

Avec le recul

Guess i was wrong. It wasn't that bad at all.

Rien de rien

Learning the song "non, je ne regrette rien"...we all need to perform something en français at our AF graduation.

Hmm. Nice choice of song, chère amie. Perhaps at the same time trying to convince yourself of the same? But what seems to be the problem this fine cloudy morning?

Non, rien de rien. Just a tiny change of plan. Nothing that demands any warrant. But i wonder why does life swerve just when you are carefree and unaware?

But you knew that it would, just the way it did, did you not, my hopeful friend?

Bien sûr, i did anticipate this last minute change, with my usual foresight. But i can be disappointed nevertheless, can't i? Why do some have it easier than the others? Things are always happening for them the way it is supposed to. Why was my first hand nothing but superbly unfair? I could have been a simple happy housewife, I could have been that. I think i would have been a great one too! Mais c’est payé, balayé, oublié...here i am instead, living a life i carved out of many a struggles and challenges... albeit a life many envy, and why not, j’ai allumé le feu, it's a life with accolades, independence and adventures. But did i ask for this?

A life full of questions and not many answers...aujourd'hui je commence avec toi.

Starting over... je repars à zéro...on a ground unfair, a battle unarmed. Mais je me fous de la malchance! I can rise above these petty questions life poses or unfair turns it takes. Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait, ni le mal, tout ça m'est bien égal!

Bonne chance donc, tu auras besoin de ça!

Around the world in 240 days

Working on some french compositions... they are rather overdue!

Also, need to finalize the far-east route of my tour du monde (that includes far-East Asia, Europe and Russia, North Africa and South America), as that's where this Phelias Fogg starts her journey come Jan1, 2011. Although on second thought i would rather be Passepartout, and let mr. jones deal with all the Fogg issues!

So far, it looks like a swirl of here to India-Thailand-Cambodia-Laos-China-Turkey-Greece-Egypt-Spain-Morocco-Italy-France-Belgium-Netherlands-Switzerland-Czech republic-Romania-Russia-London-Ireland-Chile-Peru-Les Antilles and back home completing the loop. Of course France will claim lion's share of this time as we will be stationed in south of France studying french and being like the locals (ooh, j'espere!)

Hey missy, get back to your composition!

Stopping by

My, the year is drawing to a close already! Passed me by so quickly that i barely got a chance at collating the takes here. Oh, well...

It rained today.

Last night it were just drizzles. Mr jones and i went to the aquatic park and looked at boats, ferries and ships, abandoned jailhouses, pretty towers and outnumbered swimmers. Someday i will swim there, i promise, with or without a wetsuit! That reminds me, that mischevious brat mr. jones tricked me into going into the store Patagonia en route to the park, hmph! But it was almost a perfect evening, i shall say! Intermixed with some killer chicken that i made and the film "requiem for a dream", and then something something! Oops, my lips are sealed...:-p

But i digress.

It was a hectic year. So i am proud to say that i did find time to do quite a bit of reading, starting with "The glass palace" (Informative), followed by "The picture of Dorian Gray" (Loved it!), "The fountainhead" (hmm! the hmm prolongs, i will let you know when it ends), "Sea of poppies" (Intriguing), "The metamorphosis" (Though-provoking), "Freedom at midnight" (Informative and an interesting take), "Sons and lovers" (#rated 1 so far just cause!), along with some other short stories by DHL. Currently it is "The brothers Karamazov" that i am on...recommended by mr. jones. Hmm, i realize that we do it a lot, read books suggested/read by the other, perhaps just so we can have a tumultuous debate, hehe.

Oh darn, look how long this post took me away from my first first draft (of my sabbatical research paper)! Off i go then, au revoir, sois-sage!

Comme il a dit

Patience, my dear Watson.

Un souffle en l'air

I have a favourite painting. A reprint of Claude Monet's "Les meules a Giverny". It used to sit on my mantel quietly reminding me the unpredictabilities of life.

It sits in the storage now with all my other stuff, veiled to tackle dust. And here i sit in my own storage listening to the sombre tick-tock of clocks and pronounced click-clack of spiderman's solar dance, as i gather my fallen leaves forgetting that i am in the path of the mighty wind...

puff and i am gone!

Yesterday, i was happy in my own skin. Did you not see? Then came the gusty wind as it always does i don't know from where, tearing through my being.

Rain washes me out, but there are always debris. So i gather myself again and go about my task...

To all non-believers

they say, 'ah, you met online?'
i say, 'aye, we met online.'

inside a box on an lcd screen
yes, it was a friday night.
but nay, there was no sight

no sight, no sound, no touch
no taste no smell, nay, no such
but two minds stripped off of all senses

they say, 'my, what a quandary!'
i say, 'ah, 'twas but a rendezvous without a boundary.'

La magie, c'est seulement la leur, qui croient en lui.

Adding on

All you need to cancel a plus is an equal minus.

Whoa!

That was a goal, a mon avis!

I am quite liking this Valdez...

If anyone can score for Paraguay, it would be him.

And oh, shame on you, Spain rank2.

Deutschland! :-*

Watched the game avec ma mere while having breakfast. A rare happening. I daresay it was the best mother-daughter bonding we ever had. She even made various funny comments including the one when she winced at the 4-0 scoreboard saying it looked oddly unbalanced.

:-p

Off to a nap before the next game.

I would like Paraguay to beat Spain.

After all, it's the WORLD cup!

Sigh

Loitering...

On the last surfing spree i found that i scored 95% in the french course a la ordinatoire that i abhorred.

Now that should make me happy. I beat the godforsaken computer. yay. pat-pat. Whatever!

I need to be sleepy. Perhaps a glass of milk?

Get off of my mind, you who has been ruining my nights, stop torturing me!!!

Please.

Donc

Everyone's asleep. Pas moi. Twoface stole my sleep. Three nights in a row.

Ce n'est pas juste. Tonight was clearly out of line. Et quelle facon lache! (ah fuck this stupid keyboard, les accents ne marchent pas ici!)

Say, why take it then?

"Don't let me give you any less than you give me"...une parole vide, non?

Running out of iterations. Just when i am near convergence there is noise.

I am angry. I wish the noise would drown, convergence or not.

Good, old buddy, you said it at last! Mieux tard que jamais!

Truncate?

Yes. Truncate, truncate, truncate! Not worth your time.

No, not worth my time. Not the noise.

But what about the music? It is beautiful.

Yes, i admit. Well, while it lasts.

What then? Tell me which way to go.

(half-smile, half-snicker) Drop it, old gal. Il n'apprendra jamais. But i wonder, will you either?

Le cerf-volant

I would like to say a few words. But what can i really say in the next five minutes that i have?

Sometimes i see no point in prolonging life. Like yesterday. I wanted to be done with this life.

I now have almost all i could have asked for. Nevertheless, i am restless again. That makes me question the worth of it all.

Hold me down, thread, only if you can. For the wind is strong.

1 Mai

Malheureuse.

Je me suis perdue et fatiguee. En outre, les accents ne marche pas sur mon ordinatoire. Je me sens sans pouvoir. Et toute vide.

Pourquoi?

A wise friend once said..."we live in a state of confusion...it's a guy thing...we tend to think on a level plane (point a -point b - point c) and when we have to think laterally it has the same effect as dropping a toaster in a bathtub..."

Well said my friend, what would i know, when it comes to reading the minds of the opposite gender, i am about as clueless as us gals come!

Crazy heart

Three weeks ago...

One afternoon i was taking a leisurely stroll and happily discovering the quaint and tres cher shops in my neighborhood (including a William and Sonoma, ok that's not quaint but i was happy to find it!) when i started feeling pretty winded. This lasted the whole next day so i reluctantly called my medical provider for an appointment. As i explained my symptoms on the phone they asked me to call an ambulance promptly ...to which i said, excuse me, but why on earth? All i wanted was a general assurance that i was good to go on my upcoming 10 day vacation avec mon petit ami, :-D, er, not a visit to a blasted hospital! My ticket was all booked, calendar cleared, clothes packed, ok, maybe not the last one, lol who am i kidding...but you get the idea!

Anywho, to cut the story shorter, i spent the next one and a half day in the hospital despite my wish, where i was poked and probed, kept up all night by multiple people checking on vitals at every hours, lost 15 tiny bottles of blood (well, it matters to me! i am very partcular about my blood!) and was handed the conclusion that i have a rather naughty heart that was sending out all kind of crazy signals on the EKG and stress test. "Oh well", said i, "when can i go home, i have a flight to catch". This statement of mine upset mini me very much (on top of the positive results of the tests) and the doc and her conspired to keep me until they exhausted all tests. So i missed my flight, pretty much starved the whole next day, went in many scanning machines and out, but finally proved my heart clear of imminent danger.

The next day i got on a plane.

Mmm...the next week was beautiful...

I can describe, but i would rather smile...and hum a tune...

...i know it's whimsical on my part
but this is how i feel sometimes
as if you were created just for me
my darling love...

So what if my heart is beating odd, i have beaten odds before...

:-p

That reminds me, guess which professor was awarded a full year of sabbatical leave (in a dry year like this at that!)? C'est moi! hehe, soon i will be taking off to mr. jones' city and then... France...

And then, oh i dunno...

:-)

Wish me luck.

Le mien

It was the day before yesterday.

Standing behind him, she was observing his hands.

Held in front of him was her airless bike, upside down, as he was trying to find the right location in the spoke to reset the air valve. But all she could see were those hands, going in circles along the flat tire...once, twice, thrice...searching, moving its airless body to adapt to the right position...the musty smell of the bike garage, the sound of the elevators, now clunking up, then down and then clunking up again...the blue-steel watch snug against his busy wrist, the creases in her favorite shirt, created by his slightly bent posture...

Click. Why, he found it.

Air being pumped in ...rhythm in motion, changing, adapting to the space within...finding, filling, to the point when it can fill no more...

...she couldn't see his face.

Just the motion of his hands.

And then with one strong and swift jolt he turns the bike up on its stand. It stands proudly, chained to its slot, its round rubber legs now alive with air.

But hers have turned limp.

What can i say, sure as hell i still am, drunk on you, mon petit roi.

Two years...

...and counting.

Oh how shamelessly life goes on!

Choreiboiti

The only way to get through life is to keep moving.

Don't let it keep you down. Laugh in the face of fate, at bad hands dealt and all predictable unpredictabilites.

But just for a moment, let me stand still, allow me a moment to collect myself.

Not today

There will come a day when the splinters will be a part of her unconscious existence. We shall call them memories.

Until then, there will be work, students, her origin and axes. Her escape. Blue mountains and tall trees. Look up, see how dwarfed your pain feels?

She had a bright scarf around her neck. What was she hiding? Who could she fool?

"Are you ok, professor?"
"Sure, why do you ask, Alex?"

Run you stupid fool! Run for cover, for rain is on its way.

She'll be safe once she enters the car...take the long crowded route home, there is no hurry, just be one with the car, following along in a dazed stupor. No mind, no thought, no thought, no pain.

Last night

I finished the book i was reading.

Now i would just like to be left alone.

Turning point?

Gloomy day, no sun in sight.

Wasted one hour researching replacement grant laptop since school's authorized reseller doesn't keep the thinner than air sony i chose (:-) and might i say got approved!). The reseller's database was huge but devoid of any sense of style. Come on, just cause i am a university faculty doesn't mean that i'd have to buy into your taste. Seriously, the guy tried to sell this new brillo-proof HPs to me, like when will i ever have the time to do that kind of damage to my laptop?!! So yeah, in the end i have decided to argue my case and buy the one i chose in the first place and get reimbursed, i am certain that i shall win. Trust you me!

Have quite a few recos to write, in addition have evaluaions to do. Damn, and mountains of grant-related shit (i dunno why co-PIs exist cause they really do nothing in my experience so far). Not looking forward to the first batch of task, hmm...suffices to say these are not my star students. Although i try to accentuate the positive qualities in each one, it is not in my hand to turn the day into night.

Sigh.

L: Hey there girl-friend, a penny for your thought? Qu'en pensez-vous?
R: De rien.

L: Aww, you could tell me.
R: Je demande la vérité, even if it's not what i want it to be.

L: That's a fair expectation, so go ahead, figure it out, what's stopping you?
R: Il m'a dit que j'ai eu tort.

L: And do you believe him?
R: Non, la raison, il ne l'a pas.

L: I see. And you want me to be the judge?
R: Quel autre?

L: Alright. I suppose it's still about the p-trip. Or is it the cruise now?
R: Oui, principalement c'est le voyage, il m'a dit que c'était seulement pour les hommes, et les filles, c'était comme si elles n'etaient pas existées là. Mais je ne suis pas d'accord. Of course they were there. Je les ai vues avec mes yeux et en plus je les ai vues avec ses yeux. Il s'est amusé bien avec elles, bien sûr, quelle audace pour me dire autrement! Ben, je vous offre une petite exemple. Il m'a dit lui-même qu'une fille, elle était ses orielles pour la traduction, en ajoutant, that they "made a good team" And he dare tell me it was as if they were not there!

L: Mais oui, vous avez raison. One cannot enjoy something unless it exists for them. Eating a fruit from a tree is your admission that the tree bears fruit. Alors, il est encore jeune, mon amie, il ne comprend pas telle chose.
R: Help me then? Tell me what i should do.

L: Je suis désolée, i can only dispense judgement. La décision, c'est toute la vôtre!

Mute

Moon is like a tiny little sliver tonight. At least this week it's back in my sky.

My weekend started early and ended late. Mr. jones and i spent two of the four days in the beautiful beach town, a town where we were going to meet for the first time. Mieux tard que jamais, oui mon amie?

Tell me why then am i pensive tonight?

Ah, the cruise.

It was a cruise that followed the setting sun, led by its funny old captain - a veteran of sailing many a seas. As his voice got drowned in laughter and oohs and aahs, at sea lions passing by on a floating buoy or dolphins diving in and out of ocean water, champagne was poured into the glasses to reach the celebrating lips. Of groups - each a set sporting the exact same cardinality. The first prime number.

There were nothing but couples everywhere. If one came in matching tee-shirts complete with customized phrases, another were all dressed up as if they were on their way to some prom. Young, old, buoyant, shy, there were all kinds, celebrating the romantic notion, the fragile feeling of momentary oneness.

When the sun was about to set, and everyone was scurrying down to the bow to capture the golden beams of twilight as fragile as their togetherness, there appeared a boat at the horizon. Right by the setting sun. Three sails up. Picturesque.

Reminding me of the forgotten sail on ours.

Wrapped and tied around the boom there it remained, waiting patiently to let the wind free it of its fabric existence. Standing by the port side, i waited for the same freedom. It never came.

Then it was dark. The sail went to sleep in its anchored boat, tied to the boom, just like before. Nothing could touch it. Neither the waves, nor the wind, not even the collective exuberance of semi-drunk couples finding their steps in the moonless night.

I was quiet for the better part of the evening. I couldn't help it.

What was it that i wanted to paint?

There was no canvas.

For now

Guess who will be in town tomorrow, c'est mon petit ami!

I suppose we are still batting strong, en face des distances, oh yeah, we got distances of all kind, :-p, but geographical distance, yep, that's the killer one.

I wonder though what card will the age distance play. Eventually.

Mr jones. seems to think it's the one of the littlest importance, whereas mini me thinks the opposite. I don't know what i think, as i said when i am with him i am someone else. I feel like this little girl running after a butterfly, happy and carefree. Given my super young looks, we appear to be pretty much of the same age, lol ...actually sometime i come off as the younger of the two! Once i was trying to buy some little alcohol bottles from this downtown liquor shop, on our way to the movie theater, and the grumpy old man at the counter asked me my age. Handing him the money i said, "Don't worry i am old enough". His reply was, "I wouldn't worry if he was buying it instead of you, but i'd like to see your ID!" Mr. jones and i exchanged glances and broke down in laughter as soon as we left the shop.

Yep, i got angel face, and angels don't age, do they?

By the way, that reminds me of "The picture of Dorian Gray", a book i just finished. It deserves a post, definitely!

Now i do need to give my place some TLC, as well as feed me some lunch, so au revoir, mes amis, soyez-sages!

Read my lips

Would have been a super gloomy day what with pouring rain, freezing wind and mid-quarter blues, but i guess it was all worth it given what came next.

A beautiful rainbow that lit up the rain-kissed sky just before the sun went down.

An old student dropped by to pay respect to the old professorette (i have been teaching for almost 9 years now!!!) and brought me yummy goodies...mmm ...it was all good, but i liked the card better. It was a long letter of a card but the part i liked most was where he mentioned how my class gave him a solid prep for his MS studies, MMM...mais oui! C'est moi. I don't care if the majority flunk or cry murder on evaluations (some of them are downright funny though, e.g., a MS student complaining about having to study theories and proofs), i would never be the one to apologize for my standards. Math is an elite subject, and so it shall be treated. Make it work, or avidazen!

A PT faculty confided in me today that only 2 people in her 30+ class passed the mid-term which by the way she thought was ridiculously easy. Sigh, i wonder how many she will pass eventually, she has to get good evals to get her contract renewed. Ah, bloated grades, here we come! tsk-tsk, if this is not blackmail then what is?

Hmm, guess i am just irked by some students' low expectations of themselves, er, not to mention low abilities combined with consumer mentality toward knowledge. Keep it up and the next century will be in the hands of the up and coming non-US countries.

C'est quoi que je dit, ah oui, lisez-vous ma bouche!

Count 'em not

A year ago, on a rainy february friday i met mr. jones for the first time.

Le soir, c'etait tout magique...

If one is lucky, somewhere inside the adult self they retain the little boy or the girl they once used to be.

If one is really lucky, they chance upon the ones who can bring out that little boy or girl in them.

But if one is shamelessly lucky, they would also be the ones to return that favour to their person.

Nous avons toute de la chance...

De-funked

Another week of january is coming to an end.

I suppose i can say lots have happened during the span of these few weeks. The two almost broke up, but, surprise, surprise...only to find themselves back in each other's arms. Tsk-tsk, children! And then there was the whole facebook fiasco that i don't think merits a narration here, nope! But i won't deny that these two incidents along with the much debated P-trip were enough to send me spiraling into a state of deep despair and denial.

Although i went about doing my job by the weekdays, duly filed my sabbatical application, taught my class, never failed to attend or chair any of my numerous committees, cracked jokes with colleagues in the department hallways, worked on my grants and guided my advisees, i failed to guide myself out of that funk.

Come friday i would take to the bed and just stay there, feeling quite like the big blond, disenchanted, vacant and often in a mood to falter.

I fancied taking up drinking, but luckily or unluckily my lack of the alcohol breaking enzyme made this a rather bitter and short experiment. I even took a longing look at the unused bottle of sleeping pills and toyed with the idea of testing their might. But the uncertainty of me being able to see the results of the said test stopped my curiosity on its track. I started going to the gym with a vengeance only to come back with more energy to fuel my funk. I tried to get together with my friends, but the moment they left i was back in my funk.

I was still in there, as late as of yesterday.

Now i am not.

Wish i knew the reason but i think i have a pretty good idea.

Oh well!

Last friday i decided to drop my french course.

I had to go see about a boy. Yes, i am impulsive like that. I can get a last-moment ticket and hop on a plane and even leave my future behind. C'est moi, for better or for worse.

LOL, in college i changed my minor from physics to econ, all because of a boy. Man, i hated econ, there's no freaking comparison between that and physics, also it messed up my gpa cause i hated it so and could never bring myself to open a book.

Well, to my credit, at least i have been consistent over the years!

But this friday i am regretting that decision. I miss the challenge and the savory taste of new knowledge.

Savez-vous?

I made one resolution in December 2009.

Can it be called a resolution if it's something constantly on your mind but you can't bring yourself to do it?

D'oh!

Oh well. I will think about that one later. Instead let's mull over my last night's dream.

It was a dream without a break until dawn. There were many a social gatherings with known and unknown faces. But there was no mr. jones. Instead there was a young tall guy, classically handsome, apparently some big-shot who had my attention. And judging by comments of other people, he was quite the ladies' man, reserved and focused though he appeared.

I never heard his voice, but i remember talking to him. Walking hand in hand, at times stopping to say hello to people, running around in the rain and hiding behind a pillar to steal a kiss.

As my dream progressed he started to age. And i started to lose clothes.

By the end of my dream i had not a stitch on me. Yes, yes, i know the interpretation, vulnerability and all.

But what do i make of his transition?

There was something temporal about it. Then again, what is more temporal than a dream?